Knowing how to parent the "right" way—whatever that means to you—can be tough. Besides the usual challenging things—like not causing harm when you mean well, dealing with tantrums and creating "house rules"—there are also many controversial parenting trends to navigate. Parents are constantly making decisions, and “decision fatigue” is a real phenomenon that can lead to mental, physical and emotional depletion.With that said, some parenting advice is fairly straightforward and widely accepted by both experts and parents. For example, child psychologists are fans of authoritative parenting, and you probably won’t find them turning a blind eye to certain behaviors, like name-calling and extreme clinginess.While people in the mental health field aren’t perfect or always practicing what they preach (I know this firsthand, as a clinical mental health counseling intern), they may have a better understanding of what actually benefits and harms children. Parents, then, have the final say on what they think is okay for their child.Insight from those who have both knowledge as psychologists and experience as parents can be uniquely valuable. Parade spoke to two experts in that position to see what they—as child psychologists who are parents—would never do with their own kids and what they prioritize doing with them instead.Related: Psychologists Say These 9 Habits Make Parents Seem Controlling—Even When They Don’t Mean To Be
Children are children, not mini-adults. It’s essential to remember that and treat them accordingly—especially regarding emotions and behavior. “They are allowed to have bad moods, complain and [throw] tantrums,” says Dr. Carrie Anne Dittner, PhD, a pediatric psychologist for 25 years who founded Peak City Psychology and is a mom of three boys. “It is not always disrespect; it is human. Adults have these same kinds of days!”Along those lines, she would never tell her children more than they need to know. She considers their developmental stage and what they need to hear about a situation.Related: People Who Were Parentified as Children Often Develop These 13 Traits as Adults
2. Choose their friends
While wanting to protect your children and ensuring their friends won’t peer-pressure them into harmful acts is understandable, it can come across as controlling and may not even benefit them.“If you raise them with your family values and to make responsible decisions, trust them,” Dr. Dittner encourages. “They will probably make mistakes, and that is valuable experience in relationships and conflict resolution for life.”
Kids are seemingly getting smartphones at earlier and earlier ages. Despite that being the norm, it’s important to wait until your child is ready. “While phones become necessary for communication and safety as children reach a certain age, limiting access to phones with internet until they're necessary, having conversations around appropriate use and what behaviors might get their access taken away (e.g., if phone use is getting in the way of sleep) and restricting access during certain hours, like at night, can help prevent online bullying, unsafe activity like sharing location or pictures with strangers, and phone use that is excessive or interfering with schoolwork or other priorities,” says Dr. Francesca Penner Lord, PhD, a licensed psychologist at the Coping Resource Center who works with youth and young adults and has two young children.On that note, she encourages parents to avoid giving their kids too much screentime, especially when they're little. It can distract from what’s more important, like being outside and family time.Related: Parenting Expert Warns: Avoid Making This 1 Screen Time Mistake With Toddlers
4. Ignore their good behaviors and accomplishments
It can be easy to focus on correcting “bad” behavior and forget to praise kids when they do something “good.” Yet, the latter is important.“Praising children and teens of all ages when they listen, follow through, work hard, succeed at something or do any ‘good’ behavior that you want them to keep doing is incredibly important and can also bring more positivity into parent-child relationships,” Dr. Lord says.Related: People Who Were Rarely Complimented as Children Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Have you ever said, "Because I said so” or “Because I'm the parent”? That’s understandable: Parents know better than children do in many situations, and you may just want them to listen without questioning. However, not explaining the “why” is something Dr. Lord avoids with her kids.“Part of authoritative parenting, which we know is an effective parenting style, is implementing rules and boundaries but explaining why the rules are in place (to keep them safe, for example),” she says. “As my children get older, I plan to keep doing this even as rules change based on their developmental stage.”Related: 2 ‘Gentle Parenting’ Traps a Developmental Psychologist Is Calling Out
6. Protect them from feelings
As much as parents may wish their child would never feel a negative emotion, it’s an inescapable reality—and can be a good thing. The same goes for losing: It’s okay (and good!) for children to experience losing a game now and then.“They are going to feel hurt, angry and sad,” Dr. Dittner says. “Managing emotions in childhood is essential for managing emotions as an adult.”Related: 9 Ways To Begin Your Emotion Regulation Journey as an Adult, According to a Licensed Therapist
7. Punish them
Dr. Dittner knows this one isn’t popular, but she believes it anyway. She suggests helping kids learn differently.“I believe in natural consequences and discipline and teaching,” she says. “There is a difference.” Haven’t heard of “natural consequences”? Here’s an example: Your child leaves their homework at home. Rather than taking away their phone or grounding them, you allow the natural consequence of a lower grade.Related: A Clinical Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Making This Punishment Mistake
What Child Psychologists Prioritize Doing With Their Kids
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On the other hand, what do child psychologists think is important for kids? For Dr. Dittner, the answer is simple: prioritizing the relationship. “I parent and teach parenting in my sessions with an emphasis on connection first,” she says. “This is essential for a secure and successful parent-child relationship at any age.”Dr. Lord is also all about quality time. “We prioritize quality time together as much as we can, especially reading, playing (following their lead with games, toys of choice or imaginative play when they want) and getting out of the house for new-to-them activities and faces on the weekends,” she says.Ultimately, when considering what to do and not do with your kids, think about their age and how the action could affect them. Having conversations with your kid about how those things make them feel can help, too. As always, communication provides the best answers.Up Next:
Related: Psychologists Say Parents Who Raise Kind Kids Share These 9 Unexpected Habits
Sources:
Dr. Carrie Anne Dittner, PhD, is a pediatric psychologist with 25 years of experience, the founder of Peak City Psychology and a mom of three boys.Dr. Francesca Penner Lord, PhD, is a licensed psychologist at the Coping Resource Center who works with youth and young adults and has two young children.Hence then, the article about child psychologists warn against these 7 things they never do with their own kids was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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