As a parent or grandparent, it's inevitable that you'll make mistakes when raising a kid or grandkid—especially when they're in the teenage years. But psychologists say there's a handful of things you can do with teens to help build a stronger relationship with them, like breaking certain habits and behaviors of your own, or prioritizing the right things, such as validating your teen's feelings and giving them a safe space to share their thoughts.That being said, Dr. Francheska Perepletchikova, PhD, explains that the dynamic between the teen and the adult will be slightly different depending on whether you're a parent or grandparent."Parents, for example, are viewed as an unquestionable authority through childhood and have the most direct influence on how their child develops based on their parenting style," she states. "Grandparents, meanwhile, often represent a less authoritative figure, whose priority is to support and spoil their grandkid no matter their age." Either way, she reveals the most important thing to remember when raising a teen—as either the grandparent or parent. Plus, she and licensed child psychologist Dr. Victoria Sheppard, PhD, share eight things you can do right now to improve your relationship with the teenager in your family.Related: 7 ‘Often Overlooked’ Life Skills That Parents and Grandparents Should Teach Kids, a Child Psychologist Warns
What Is the Most Important Thing To Remember When Raising a Teen?
While it sometimes seems there's an overwhelming amount of things to remember when raising a teen, Dr. Perepletchikova sums up the most important one of all. "Adolescence is a time in life where exploration, boundary-pushing and questioning authority lead to growth and self-discovery," she states. "What parents might see as a reckless inconvenience and lamentable loss of their once-pleasant kid is, in fact, both a natural and necessary personal evolution where abstract and critical thinking are fostered through newfound individuality."Basically, no matter how much you try to exert your control in certain situations, your child is ultimately their own person. This newfound sense of identity may come as a shock to some parents, but Dr. Perepletchikova says it's something to be embraced. "They will have their own wants, needs, interests, priorities, distastes and hopes," she further explains. "While they may not be fully developed or completely grasp the reality of the world around them, they are in no way lesser and deserve respect as separate individuals."
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"Caregivers are not entrusted to shape that individual in their own understanding of what this child 'should' be, but to learn about their child’s inborn capacities and challenges, love their child as they are and help that child self-actualize," she continues, adding that this is the time to help your child unpack their evolving emotions, understand who they are and support their dreams. "They may not know everything, and act as if they do, but they are by no means incapable of standing on their own two feet," she says. This is a time for caregivers to listen to what their children have to say and keep an open mind to follow the child's interests, as well as empathize with their child and think about their own teenage years.
She shares questions to ponder over:
"Did you fear your family or find comfort in their presence and have freedom to vent?" "Did you feel stifled in your hobbies, veered towards a path you never wanted for the sake of stability, based on your family’s declarations?" "Were you constantly unhappy and never given the privacy you deserved?""Be their guiding light," she continues. "Your teen does not want to be seen as a child; they want to be seen as a person with their own worthwhile opinions."Related: The Surprising Phrase You Should Stop Saying to Your Child or Grandchild—and What To Say Instead
Dr. Perepletchikova explains that you can think of a "relationship bank" as an equal exchange of healthy behavior when it comes to your relationship with your child. "Parents and grandparents can only expect to get a consistent positive responding from their teens if they have built enough 'cash' in their child-parent relationship bank," she explains. "Screaming, blaming, shaming, criticizing, judging, forcing, lecturing and using downward comparisons are examples of harmful invalidation that drains the relationship bank into [a] negative balance."Instead, to build up the "cash" in your relationship bank, she suggests acceptance, validation, modeling positive behaviors, demonstrating unconditional love and spending time with children on their terms (i.e., doing things that children prefer). These are "deposits" that build a positive balance in the relationship bank. This will help you navigate future conflict in a healthier way, and your child is more likely to communicate more positively if you've built a strong "relationship bank."
2. Validate more, fix less
Dr. Sheppard says it's extra important to make your child feel seen and heard. Let them know you're here for them and you'll provide a safe space for them to open up about what's going on in their life. Validate their emotions without trying to control their behavior. "Saying [things like], 'That is really frustrating,' goes further than 'Here is what you should do,'" she shares.
Even if your teen doesn't seem like they always want to have quality time together, Dr. Sheppard says it's still one of the best things you can do for your relationship with them. Inviting them to spend time with you in a low-pressure way is the way to go. "Things like taking a walk, going on a drive or making a meal together give space for organic conversation without feeling forced," she explains.
4. Have conversations, not interrogations
Dr. Perepletchikova says this is an important one as teens begin to experiment or engage in what caregivers might think is reckless behavior. "They might become curious about drugs and recreational drinking or begin considering their sexuality and relationships," she explains. "These sensitive topics are typically tiptoed around or actively shut down by caregivers, forcing teens to bottle up curiosities and experiment with them in secret, often with the supervision of their peers rather than you."So instead of that response (which can be typical and might be your knee-jerk reaction), take a step back and "avoid shaming your child and focusing too heavily on mistakes.""[It] will not encourage them to do better, but find new ways to keep you from discovering their imperfections," she stresses. Instead, try to understand where they're having difficulties and ask what will help them move forward. It's much more productive than shaming and invalidating their emotions. "Being willing to openly and maturely speak about these subjects not only shows that you respect your teen as a maturing individual, but that you are a consistent source of genuine help and support in their most vulnerable moments," she adds. "Don't punish honesty."
Although it might seem like teens are always onto something new, Dr. Sheppard says to use this as an opportunity. You can spend extra quality time with your teen by allowing them to teach you about something new that they're interested in. "Whether it's a new app or a trend, letting them be the expert who builds confidence and connection," she shares.Related: 11 Phrases Child Psychologists Say Can Secretly Harm a Child’s Confidence
6. Practice mindfulness together
Practicing mindfulness is an important thing to do individually, but why not make it an activity you share with your teen? "This means participating in the present moment, without distraction," Dr. Sheppard explains. "It doesn't have to look like a mediation. Try a tech-free dinner, singing along to a favorite song or playing a simple A-Z game together (like naming animals, foods or places)." She also says there are many short-term benefits to practicing mindfulness, like more joy and connection in the present moment, but there are long-term benefits too. "Over time, regular practice strengthens the ability to stay grounded when emotions run high," she shares.
As Dr. Perepletchikova mentioned, it's important not to shame or express extreme disappointment, especially if your teen does something like receive a low grade. Dr. Sheppard adds to this, recommending that parents and grandparents celebrate effort and help the teen understand themself better rather than focusing expressly on an outcome. "Whether it's a tough school week or an emotional win, let them know you see how hard they're trying," she adds.
8. Encourage autonomy and decision-making
Dr. Perepletchikova says to beware of "helicopter parenting." While it may serve to keep a teen safe in the short term, it won't help them grow their independence and confidence in decision-making. "Encouraging a teen's autonomy means trusting them with tangible and important responsibilities," she says. "This can range from teaching them previously dealt-for household tasks (such as laundry, cooking or car maintenance) and leaving them to complete their share for their own belongings."Further, it can mean trusting them to go out on their own or with friends, encouraging them to volunteer locally, get a part-time job to have their own extra spending money or teaching them how to file taxes. "Regardless of what this budding independence looks like, a teen should also be made to take responsibility for their own actions," she emphasizes. "It's not enough that they’re trusted with certain decision-making; they should be made to work through the consequences of those decisions rather than being shielded from them. You are their support network, there to help build confidence in their autonomy, not be their fall guy."Up Next:
Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents to Never Turn a Blind Eye to These 10 Responses
Sources:
Dr. Victoria Sheppard, PhD, is a licensed child psychologist who specializes in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).Dr. Francheska Perepletchikova, PhD, is a licensed psychologist and founder of Child DBT.Hence then, the article about psychologists are begging parents and grandparents to do these 8 things with teens was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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