Dear Eric: Why should I go to my 50th high school reunion? I received a phone call from a former classmate who wouldn’t give me the time of day when we were in school together. “You need to go!” No, thank you.
The cost is outrageous. Plus, most of the people I would like to see are either not going or are deceased.
During my high school years, I was not treated well by some of the students. I definitely did not like my high school years. If I wasn’t bullied, I definitely wouldn’t have been absent so many days. I would have had better grades and maybe a six-figure income.
So, once again, is there a reason to go?
— No Way to a Reunion
Dear Reunion: Nope!
There are some things that are unresolved from your time in high school years. But it’s unlikely that you’ll find the resolution you seek at a reunion because that’s not what reunions are for, generally. Moreover, you don’t want to go. In the grand scheme of things, not wanting to do something is a perfectly fine reason not to do it. Yes, your 50th high school reunion only happens once. But if it’s going to do you more harm than good, emotionally or economically, once is one time too many.
Dear Eric: I recently learned that I have a fatal disease, although there may be some treatments to lessen my symptoms for a while.
I don’t want to tell my family anything about my plight until January, so as not to spoil their holidays.
I want to tell my two adult children but allow them to decide when to tell their children (my grandchildren). Or is it better for me to tell them all together?
What is the best thing to do?
— Family News
Dear News: The simple (perhaps too simple) answer is to do whatever you need to feel cared for and supported. It’s very thoughtful of you to think of how this news will impact your loved ones, but you don’t have to carry this weight for a second longer than you want to. Your loved ones would surely do anything in their power to make this moment easier for you, so hold that idea in your mind as you decide when and how to deliver the news.
A less simple but more practical answer is that you should consider telling your children first. They’re going to have different questions than their children will and the conversation you have with them will work differently than a group conversation. You may find that you’ll need to manage the grandchildren’s feelings and responses more, as might your children. Whereas in a conversation with just the adults, you may find you all have capacity to feel however you feel and hold each other. This also allows your children time to process first, which then better prepares them to talk with their kids.
No matter what you decide, please remember that this diagnosis isn’t your plight alone. This is something that is happening to you, but it’s also happening to your family. In moments when it feels too complicated, scary, or overwhelming, know that you’re not alone and you don’t have to hold back what you’re feeling.
Dear Eric: How does a person respond when invited for dinner at someone’s home who has cats and dogs?
I am not a person who hates them. I get offended and heartbroken when they are mistreated. But I do take offense when people have them in the kitchen jumping and walking on tables where people are preparing and eating.
My closest friends do not have pets, but I have others who do, and I would love to share a meal with them but not at their home.
How should I respond to this? I don’t want to offend them or ruin a relationship. I just prefer not to have animal hair in my food.
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Dear Party: You may be making too broad a generalization about pet owners. There are plenty of people who have pets that don’t get on the counter (I hope those St. Bernard owners are discouraging it, if for no other reasons than structural integrity). And there are others who keep their pet-friendly home so spotless you could eat off said counter and never find a hair. Every home is different.
If you’ve had personal experience with someone whose home didn’t make you comfortable, it’s fine to decline by telling them you’re not a pet person and you’d prefer that they come to you or that you eat out together. This allows you to bow out without obfuscating the truth. Frankly, you can decline joining someone for dinner for no reason at all.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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