DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex and I broke up a few months ago after dating for nearly two years. It was a mutual decision, and while it was sad, we both agreed it was for the best.
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She’ll send messages asking how I’m doing, complimenting things she’s seen on my social media or saying she misses having me around. Sometimes she even brings up her son and how she wishes we’d worked things out.
I genuinely like her; she was always so kind to me, and I know her heart is in the right place, but it’s starting to feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but every time my phone buzzes with a text from her, it pulls me back into a relationship I’ve been trying to move on from. I also don’t want to make things awkward for my ex if he finds out we’re still in touch.
How can I politely set boundaries with his mom without seeming cold or disrespectful? Is there a way to end the contact gracefully, or should I just stop replying and hope she gets the hint?
— Releasing Mom
DEAR RELEASING MOM: The thing about relationships is that they involve more than just two people — especially if they lasted a long time. A few months after a two-year relationship ended may feel fresh for his mom.
Speak to her and tell her how much you appreciate her, but admit that it’s hard for you to move on when she is continuing to try to keep you in the fold. Thank her for her loving support and ask her to release you. Tell her you and her son have moved on, and she must, too.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been dating for eight years. We started a bit young, and I feel concerned that maybe he does not see himself marrying me anymore.
We used to talk about marriage, especially because all his older siblings had partners and at family gatherings we’d talk about their timelines, and we’ve seen two of them get married in the past few years. I wonder if he’s changed his mind.
I fear that these past years didn’t mean as much to him as they have to me.
My fears and worries about this are creeping into my relationship, and sometimes I feel awkward and nervous around my partner, despite how comfortable we’ve always been.
Honestly, though, I am afraid to know the truth. What if he has changed his mind? How will I feel if I ask and he admits that? How will I move on?
— End of the Road
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Dear Abby: She doesn’t deserve the perks of a grandmother Asking Eric: My son has video of me in a drunken rage, but he won’t show it to me Harriette Cole: My friend changes her story so often and I don’t know what’s true Miss Manners: Her peevish behavior in restaurants upsets me every time Dear Abby: My dad wants to take this teen in. It’s going to be a disaster.DEAR END OF THE ROAD: Now is not the time to be silent. Drum up the courage to have a heart-to-heart talk with your boyfriend. If you want to get married, be prepared to tell him.
Point out how long you two have been together and all that you have lived through. Put your stake in the ground. Tell him you are ready for the next step: making your bond official. Ask if he wants that as well.
Be direct. This is your life you are talking about. You have every right to want to be clear about whether your partner wants the same thing as you. If he does not, it is better to know now so that you can move on.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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