11 Signs You're 'Roommate Parenting' and How To Stop It, According to Psychologists ...Saudi Arabia

There have been many parenting styles to make waves on the internet. But take a seat, gentle parenting. See ya never again, FAFO. Remember authoritarian parenting? Well, it's a thing of the past. And "hybrid parenting"? We hardly knew you (sorry, Gen-Z). The internet has a new parenting style to critique: Roommate parenting. Even if you've never heard this term before, you might know someone living like this with their own kids. It might be your best friend or your kid's BFF's parents. Maybe it was even your own parents—and now it's you. It's also not hard to deduce where this term got its name."'Roommate parenting' is the phrase given to a parenting style in which there is limited interaction and oversight of the children by the parents," says Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks.The term was popularized on Reddit in 2024, and it's grown in popularity on TikTok. But even though the name is newer, this type of parenting has always existed. And psychologists say we still need to talk about it. They share more about what roommate parenting is. Also, they discuss the signs you're a roommate parent, and how to stop it.Related: People Who Were Raised by ‘Lighthouse Parents’ Often Develop These 9 Traits as Adults, a Psychologist Says

What Is Roommate Parenting, Exactly?

"Roommate parenting is a style of disengaged or 'hands-off' parenting in which the parent treats the child more like a housemate than a dependent in need of nurturance, guidance and intervention," says Dr. Deborah Vinall, Psy.D., LMFT, the Chief Psychological Officer with Recovered.org.The term "roommate parenting" went mainstream in 2024 when a teacher posted in the Teacher subreddit."This is my 11th year teaching, and I cannot believe the decline in quality, involved parents," the teacher wrote online. "This year, my team and I have coined the term 'Roommate Parenting' to describe this new wave of parents. It actually explains a lot."By "a lot," Dr. Vinall says this teacher means the numerous risks of roommate parenting."It leads to children becoming more independent at an earlier age," she states. "However, it comes at the cost of greater anxiety and depression, lower self-esteem, decreased academic performance and difficulty developing healthy, interdependent intimate relationships later in life."That may not be a trade-off you're willing to make. Read on for signs of roommate parenting, and tips for reversing course if many of them hit close to home.Related: People Who Were Raised by ‘Authoritative Parents’ Often Develop These 5 Traits as Adults, a Psychologist Says

Don't shame spiral just yet. Dr. Smith is a realist: She knows youth sports and work can get in the way of dinners together from time to time. That's not her beef. "Not all meals need to be shared as a family," she states. "However, consistently eating separately, especially if there is not a scheduling reason that warrants it, can be an indicator of living more like roommates than family."

2. You're unaware of your child's activities

Roommate parents may have no idea why a child is missing dinner or coming home late."While a parent will never know every detail of their child's life, an involved parent will know what clubs or hobbies their child is involved in," Dr. Vinall says.

If you and your child spend most of your time at home in separate rooms, it's a sign that you may be roommate parenting. Again, regularity is key here."It is important, particularly for teens, to have private space to retreat," Dr. Vinall says. "Still, healthy parent-child dynamics are also characterized by comfort and desire to spend time working or relaxing in one another's company."She shares that proximity opens the door for casual conversations.Related: This Common Habit Can ‘Backfire’ in Families, Parenting Expert Warns

4. Sharing space but not interacting

Sometimes, people who are "roommate parenting" sit in the same room as their children. However, those casual conversations don't flow or follow. Instead, Dr. Smith notes that parents and children often engage in activities such as scrolling on devices."There is nothing wrong with doing this sometimes, but if it is the norm rather than the exception, it’s worth taking a look at," she notes.Another psychologist agrees, noting that parent-child relationships can start to feel empty and disconnected."Even when you're physically together, you're lonely," states Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, a psychologist and founder of Phoenix Health.

Count this roommate-parenting flag among the many gripes teachers have with the style."When a parent is involved and observant of study patterns or engaged in conversations about their child's school struggles or successes, what is reflected on the report card won't come as too much of a surprise," Dr. Vinall notes.

6. You've missed more parent-teacher conferences than you've attended

We're not out of school-related roommate signs just yet."Roommate parents see school as a dynamic to be handled between student and teacher and undervalue personal participation," Dr. Vinall explains.Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents to Never Turn a Blind Eye to These 10 Habits

Teachers aren't the only ones who bear the brunt of roommate parenting. Dr. Smith says siblings do, too (We see you, eldest daughters and other parentified children)."In this situation, the parent is putting off parenting responsibilities to the older child that fall within the bounds of a parent," she shares.To be clear, she isn't suggesting that an older sibling wouldn't have more responsibilities—like chores—than a younger sibling. Often, this "imbalance" is actually developmentally appropriate."However, some parents treat that child as a mini-adult instead of maintaining their own appropriate roles as parents," Dr. Smith clarifies.

8. Disinterest in the child and their interests

Children feel seen when their parents take an interest in what they like, such as rolling up their sleeves to play a beloved video game or singing along to their favorite artist's hit single. Roommate parents can't go there for a critical reason."The parent has no idea what their child is actually like as a person or their interests," Dr. Smith shares.It can lead to unhappiness and disconnection all the way around."There's little shared joy or laughter," Dr. Guarnotta explains. "You rarely joke or do fun things together."

Psychologists aren't asking parents to go Olivia Benson on their kids. But there's a happy medium."A parent does not need to be an interrogator, but some questions need to be asked to foster connection," Dr. Smith explains. "Questions show interest, especially when they can be tailored to the person and what is happening within their life."Related: 5 Phrases a Child Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying

10. Letting kids fend for themselves too often

Dr. Smith defines "too often" as "chronological age and developmental expectations that may be within bounds."This one can be something of an overcorrection to "helicopter" parenting (hovering and over-involvement), but it's not exactly "better.""Supporting independence is part of parenting, but too often expecting the child to 'figure it out' on their own is not parenting," she explains.

This one comes as a direct result of #10 above. Dr. Vinall shares that the life skills a child of a roommate parent has before their peers may include doing laundry, preparing meals or using public transportation.Okay, wait—what's the problem, here, again?"While these skills are valuable, if they are far ahead of their peers, it's worth considering how many other signs of roommate parenting are present," Dr. Vinall says.If a child is doing these tasks because their roommate parent just doesn't—and perhaps never or rarely did—it's an issue.Related: If You Heard These 9 Phrases as a Kid, Your Parent May Have Been Emotionally Unavailable

3 Tips To Stop Roommate Parenting

1. Address it directly

This one will take humility, vulnerability and guts, but it can validate the child or children's lived experiences."You might have a conversation with your child(ren) explaining that you notice you've drifted apart," Dr. Vinall notes. "[Explain that], because you value them and your relationship, you'd like to carve out more time to connect. Problem-solve together ways to prioritize family times that feel satisfying."Related: How To Validate Someone’s Feelings, According to a Clinical Psychologist

Roommate-parent-child relationships won't be fixed in one conversation. Instead, it's going to take consistent intention. Dr. Smith suggests carving out time together when you might:

Ask the child questionsShare about yourselfWork on puzzles togetherDanceCraftWalkHave meals together without devicesPlay together Read a younger child a story

If all this sounds overwhelming, she suggests gradually working up to these activities. A good start? Combine an old habit with a new one."Read your own thing or watch your own video on a device in a shared space, then each talk about highlights," she shares.

3. Make it clear that you're a resource

Dr. Smith suggests parents make sure the child knows that they can come to them."Whether it be with homework or life experiences, it is important for a child to know their parent will be there," she says. " You do not have to problem-solve all the time, either. Sometimes just having a space to talk and to know someone is there for whatever may be needed is helpful."Up Next:

Related: These 11 Phrases Can Help You Raise Emotionally Resilient Kids, Psychologists Say

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