How we reclaimed our bed after eight years sharing with the kids ...Middle East

Last week, for five days in a row, I woke up in bed lying next to my husband Mark. In many homes, this would be utterly unremarkable, but for us it’s the first time in two years. I’m more used to waking up with either one, two or three children snuggled next to me.

Regular readers will know that Astrid, eight, Xavi, six and Juno, three, have slept in bed with me for most of their lives. This wasn’t out of design but a pragmatic drift to co-sleeping, because ultimately, we all need sleep.

While in Norway, co-sleeping is widespread, here in the UK it’s rarely spoken about, though far more children than we imagine are still sleeping with parents long into primary school. More than a third of anxious school-aged children co-sleep with their parents between two and four times a week, a 2021 study showed.

My children have never been “good sleepers”. So, while we’ve had periods where they’ve been in their own beds – most notably when I first met Mark when Astrid was four and Xavi, two – there have been many nightly wake-ups for comforting and soothing.

There’s only so much time, perhaps a month or two, that I can sustain very little sleep and still make any reasonable attempt at functioning in the day. We’ve also had times when Mark has been ill with pneumonia and long Covid, and being away for work. Eventually, when faced with multiple wake-ups, I scooch the children into bed with me for a snuggle. We all get a lot more sleep. 

The downside, of course, is that Mark and I miss out on time together in bed. His complaints about “hot desking” the bed or not having a charger where he ended up sleeping felt like mild inconveniences compared with surviving on three hours of sleep a night, which was something that happened all too frequently when we tried getting everyone into their own beds. 

But, then he explained to me that it was about connection. “I feel like we are much closer when we’re sharing a bed,” he told me. This felt important. So, we made a concerted effort to reclaim our bed.

We made sure the children’s rooms were set up with nightlights. I made six-year-old Xavi’s bottom bunk into a sheltered den by hanging a duvet over the side and he immediately wanted to sleep in his room. We also had a fair wind behind us: Astrid, eight, is at an age where she often wants space to listen to an audiostory as well as reassurance. Juno is now three and her fierce independence spills over into nighttime.

The first few nights I was getting up multiple times – each child would wake at least once and take around an hour to settle – but I resisted the temptation of bringing them into bed with me and instead gave them a cuddle in their beds. I wasn’t getting much sleep but by the fourth night, the wake-ups were less frequent. 

I think both Mark and I were surprised by just how lovely it feels to wake up next to each other – it’s been so long that we’d forgotten. We wake up slowly with a quiet few minutes together before the children bowl in to join the cuddles.

I suspect Gina Ford, the routine-led parenting author followed by millions, who slept in her own mum’s bed between the ages of three and 11, would think it’s long overdue. She warned last week that child-centred behaviour is putting marriages at risk and says her own mum, who was the “best mum anyone could have wanted”, didn’t always get things right.

“She should have been a bit tougher with me and got me into bed earlier,” she says. “So many parents, because they’re trying so hard to bend over backwards to make everything perfect for their children, they forget about themselves,” she told The Sunday Times. 

I wonder if I’ve been putting the children first to the detriment of my marriage? I’m certainly not trying to make everything perfect for my children, but I’m never going to ignore crying in the night and nightmares, nor huge struggles going to sleep.

I feel like I signed up to be responsive to my children’s needs when I chose to become a parent, and both Mark and I are very conscious that the years when a child would want to be in bed with their parents are short. If a marriage can’t weather not making your partner the top priority at all times, is it even a good relationship? 

We’re agreed that we don’t want the children to feel scared at night, and also that it’s important for us to share a bed. It’s not a linear process and we’re comfortable with that: the children’s dear great granddad died this week, aged 100, and we’ve found the children are in want of more reassurance. Two migrated back into our bed last night.

Sarah Carpenter, an excellent sleep consultant whose number I’ve kept close “just in case” for over a year, tells me: “Be realistic: you’re not going to get your bed back 365 days a year, just as you don’t expect to sleep well every night of the year. Me and my youngest, Emily, who’s nine, have a deal where she gets to sleep in bed with me one night a week. She needs that for safety and security. So [reclaiming your bed] doesn’t mean you can’t meet your children’s needs.”

Sarah, who has over 25 years of experience and is a qualified Norland sleep consultant, says that clients generally come to her for two reasons. “Often, the parents would like more children and having sex is difficult. This is most common when children are aged three to five, so are no longer in a cot and will drift into their parents bedroom unannounced.

“When children are below the age of three, it’s more because the parents realise the baby isn’t getting deep sleep, and nor are the parents,” she explains.

She says the cost of living crisis is also having an impact: “More than ever, people are returning to work earlier, at six months rather than 12 months because they can’t justify staying off on maternity leave. So, those clients who would previously have co-slept for a year are coming to me at six months because they need the sleep to be able to work.”  

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Sarah recommends that when transitioning from co-sleeping with older children, from the age of four upwards, it’s worth “taking things slowly or it may become a negative experience” and says “neurodivergent children need more support in going to bed.” She recommends that regardless of age, “It’s worth remembering that we all want things to be the same when we wake up as when we go to sleep. So, for example, if you let a young baby fall asleep on you in the lounge and then they wake up in a cot in their bedroom, they’ll start feeling unsafe. You’re much better off putting them into their bed to fall asleep.”

My children sometimes wake with nightmares: Xavi is very scared of Mr and Mrs Twit at the moment and wishes I hadn’t let him watch the film. “In the middle of night, give them comfort but don’t talk about the things that scared them,” Sarah recommends. “Reassure them that you’re going to talk about this at breakfast time, and that you’re taking their fears seriously. Seeing you take note of their worries is really important. A comforter, or a t-shirt that smells of you, can be really helpful, too.”

We’re both very aware that we’re unlikely to wake up together every morning, but right now we’re happy to know that we’ve reclaimed it as the norm. “You can make that change back to independence again and again,” Sarah reassures me.

Hence then, the article about how we reclaimed our bed after eight years sharing with the kids was published today ( Thursday 20/11/2025 - 01:11 PM ) and is available on inews ( Middle East ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.

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