DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been talking to a guy for about a year now. It has been casual for two reasons: He is unemployed (for quite some time now) and struggling, and I am in the beginning of a divorce — a messy scenario.
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I am beginning to realize that he does not return the favor in ways he could. If I want to talk about what’s going on with me, he is often unavailable.
I mentioned the other day how frustrating that is for me, and I even said I thought it was unfair: I am there for him when he needs me, but he is not there for me.
He blew up and said he hasn’t asked me for anything. He got offended and accused me of thinking he is taking advantage of me.
I was simply stating that he is often not there for me when I need to talk. He can’t offer much else as he has no money, so a listening ear should be at the ready. Am I wrong here?
— Tit for Tat
DEAR TIT FOR TAT: The two of you are in an impossible situation. You are not free to be in a relationship with him or anyone else until your divorce is fully finished. You seem to be looking for a soft landing space, perhaps because of what wasn’t working in your marriage. He has proven that he cannot be that for you, and that is frustrating.
This man is in a desperate spot. With no job and limited means, he is in no position to offer counsel or attentiveness. You must stop wanting him to be who he is not. Let him go and focus on solving your own issues.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I stopped by to visit an acquaintance earlier this week. A while back, I had heard through mutual friends that she was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. Recently, her older sister — who was her primary caregiver — passed away.
I decided to pay a visit to my friend to say hello and offer my condolences. While I was there, another friend visited her — a doctor who helped her do some mild physical therapy, reminding her it is good to stay in that practice as much as possible.
As I got ready to head out, this doctor suggested that I stop by a few times a week to help with some light exercise, take her for walks, see how she’s doing and more. I hadn’t met this doctor before, and while my friend and I have a long history, we don’t have much of a current relationship. I felt awkward and sort of agreed to take on this role, but this is not something I am comfortable with.
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— Caretaker
DEAR CARETAKER: Contact the doctor and make it clear that you cannot commit to the schedule requested of you. Whatever you can do — once a week, once a month — offer that for now. Find out if there is anyone else, like friends, family or caregivers covered by insurance, who can pitch in.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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