Gen Z is breaking up with conventional dating. Hinge, Bumble and Tinder have all seen their numbers of UK users reduce – while the sex-positive (and mostly non-monogamous) app Feeld has seen its users grow 30 per cent, year-on-year, since 2022.
Behind the data, the concept of “heterofatalism” is increasingly widespread among my peers – I’ve even had friends opt out entirely and go “boy sober”. I know I’ve hovered over the button to redownload Hinge after a recent breakup, but have been stopped by past memories of terrible dates with people who don’t ask you any questions about yourself or who don’t know what they’re actually looking for.
I’ve read countless columns – and discussed extensively with friends over glasses of wine – as to why this is. Some blame apps that turn dating into a game, others changing gender roles and the “male loneliness epidemic”. Instead, I’d suggest a different cause and parallel crisis: housing.
As someone who has lived in flatshares continually since the age of 18, it is – practically speaking – a bit awkward. When you come home from a long day of work, the last thing you want to do is make painful small talk with your flatmate’s boyfriend in the kitchen while cooking stir-fry. And conversely, I’ve worried that I’ve been the annoying girlfriend that spends ages in the shower or forces an entire house of boys to watch Married at First Sight on their communal TV.
But at least that’s better than living at home. Data published in July showed that a third of British men between the ages of 20 and 34 still live with their parents (compared to just over a fifth of their female peers). And look, I get it. Renting is eyewateringly expensive – the average cost of a room in London, for instance, is now £995. Saving up for a deposit to buy somewhere now takes the average first-time buyer 11 years. However, that doesn’t mean it isn’t a huge ick to date someone whose mother wants to know if they’ll be home for tea or not.
You might think my superficial aversion to mummy’s boys and having my housemate’s Hinge dates in my space are just parts of dating in early adulthood. But it’s no longer a temporary stage of life.
Wages haven’t remotely kept pace with housing costs – be that renting or buying – and as such, my generation will be stuck in flatshares or living at home for longer. In her book Inheritocracy, Dr Eliza Filby calls this new life stage “kidulthood”, referring to how Gen Z and millennials’ traditional “grown-up” life markers – like moving in with a partner, buying a house and marriage – are happening much later than they did for older generations.
Without help from family or an inheritance, buying property in particular feels like such a pipe dream that many of my peers question if they ever will. Even renting solo is prohibitively expensive, with there being a £20,000 gap between the average salary and what you need to earn to afford even a one bed flat in London. And so, if you question if you’ll ever have a secure future of your own making, it is nearly impossible to date with the intention of building that future with another person.
Another great social theorist of our time makes a similar point. Sex and the City’s Miranda Hobbs introduced “Taxi Cab Theory” to the world: which is, in summary, the idea that men won’t commit until they’re ready – even if they meet plenty of suitable women along the way, including ones they may click with better or love more.
As a Gen Z-er who is currently watching this Gen X classic for the first time, this maxim has aged better than much of the rest of the show – and explains the anxieties of modern dating. The housing crisis means people are driving round with their lights off for longer because they don’t feel financially secure enough to turn it off and get into a committed relationship.
Trying to explain the link between being part of Generation Rent and why I find dating to be such a frustrating experience may seem frivolous – but don’t underestimate the knock-on effects. Being stuck flatsharing or living at home longer and later also affects our next steps: such as having children.
The birth rate is already falling, with the cost of living – especially housing – directly to blame. Leaving it later to date (and form serious romantic relationships) will only go on to compound this more.
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