When you've been with someone for a long time, you may feel like you know everything—including whether they cover the toothpaste or insist on handwashing dishes when you have a dishwasher. Yet, it's actually easy to overlook certain small habits that could be harming your relationship—until you come to a realization and feel super resentful. And even if something is overlooked doesn't mean it's insignificant. In fact, one "often invisible" behavior can be detrimental to relationships in the long term."Small habits add up and shape how safe and valued a partner feels," says Dr. Stefanie Mazer, Psy.D, a psychologist in Palm Beach, Florida. "Skipped thank-yous, late replies or scrolling through dinner quietly tell a story about priorities."If you ever see someone complaining that they got broken up with because they didn't put the toilet seat down or always left the milk on the counter after using it, you can be sure that that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Little issues build up as Dr. Mazer says. That's why she shares that noticing these habits over time helps you and your main squeeze make small changes before they turn into lasting damage. But again, one behavior that has to do with deflection could be wreaking havoc on your relationship and you didn't even realize you or your partner were doing it. Our psychologist expert reveals what it is, the signs it's happening to you and what to do about it.Related: 11 Subtle Signs You’re ‘Monkey Branching’ in Your Relationship, Psychologists Warn
The "often invisible" relationship behavior we're referring to is blame-shifting. And Dr. Mazer warns that even though blame-shifting often goes unnoticed, it is still detrimental to relationships long-term."Blame-shifting is when someone avoids taking responsibility by placing the fault on another person," she explains. "Blame-shifting rewrites the story of each conflict, so partners end up with two different 'truths' and no shared ground to fix things."This behavior can create a breeding ground for negative emotions and erode trust, which is a critical foundation of authentic relationships."It drains the blamed partner, who spends energy defending their reaction instead of addressing the original problem, which breeds fatigue and quiet anger," she says. "Safety erodes because the blamed partner can’t trust that concerns will be heard without being flipped back on them, and they start to speak less or shut down."Related: 10 Manipulative Tactics Straight Out of a Gaslighter’s Playbook, According to Psychologists
Common Signs of Blame-Shifting
Now that you have a name to something you might not have known previously, how do you spot it? The signs of blame-shifting are noticable once you know where to look. "A good sign it’s happening is when every conversation ends with you apologizing for their mistake," Dr. Mazer says. She adds that people who blame-shift might ignore their role in the conflict, change the story or focus on your reaction instead of what happened."Focusing on your reaction flips the spotlight from their behavior to your tone or emotions," she shares. "You hear lines like, 'Calm down,' or 'See, this is why we can’t talk,' which dodges the original issue."The goal of the blame-shifter is to make you play defense rather than take accountability for their actions."It creates confusion, damages trust and stops real problem-solving," she explains.Related: 'I’m a Psychologist—Here’s the #1 Reason You Might Need Marriage Counseling'
Blame-shifting can come in a handful of forms, Dr. Mazer says. The five most common types of blame-shifting are below.
Dr. Mazer warns that focusing on your tone—which may be angry or devastated—pivots the conversation from their behavior to your reaction. The goal? "Their action goes unaddressed," Dr. Mazer points out.
2. Whataboutism
Dr. Mazer shares that this is a complex-sounding term for instances when someone consistently blame-shifts by bringing up your past mistakes to dodge an issue. They'll often engage in this behavior with phrases that start with, "What about when you..." Even if they bring up something that really did happen and you were in the wrong, this is a way to, again, deflect from the topic at hand.
When people engage in this form of blame-shifting, their aim is to erase the problem instead of owning it. Dr. Mazer reveals that phrases like "I didn't do that," or "It wasn't a big deal," are common when people try to skirt accountability.
4. Victim reversal
Think lines like "You made me do it," which Dr. Mazer explains flips roles and makes you incorrectly responsible for their choice.
5. Scapegoating
In this form of blame-shifting, Dr. Mazer says the person will blame a third party, like coworkers, stress or traffic, so accountability never lands where it belongs (on them).Related: 9 Ways Dating a Narcissist Changes You and How To Heal, According to Therapists
How To Respond to Blame-Shifting
When figuring out how to deal with blame-shifting, it's good to start off by owning your share (even if it's small), Dr. Mazer says. Now, this one can be challenging, especially if the blame-shifter is putting outsized responsibility on you. However, she says it's a critical step."This lowers defensiveness and keeps the focus on solutions instead of a tug-of-war," she explains. "I recommend it because accountability kills the urge to deflect and builds trust fast."To take ownership of your part, Dr. Mazer advises stating what you did, the effect it had and what you'll do differently next time. Try something like, "I yelled, and it made you upset and escalated the situation. Next time, I'll take a breath before responding."
If you know that you do this, or now realize you do, you can work on stopping the behavior. To start, in the heat of the moment, Dr. Mazer suggests stating what happened. Then, you can get into feelings and ask for a solution."This structure keeps the conversation grounded so it doesn’t slide into blaming each other’s reactions," she explains. "I recommend it because clear framing leaves less room to twist the story."So, if you missed a deadline because of stress, you might say:
"The deadline was Friday." (What happened.)"I felt stressed." (How it landed.)"Let's set midweek check-ins." (What you want.)Also, it can help to learn to pause before saying anything at all. "A short break gives you space to think clearly instead of shifting blame," Dr. Mazer says.Up Next:
Related: People Who Constantly Interrupt Others Usually Struggle With These 9 Deeper Issues, Psychologists Say
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Dr. Stefanie Mazer, Psy.D, is a psychologist in Wellington, FL.Hence then, the article about this often invisible behavior is detrimental to relationships long term was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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