Imagine you are a single woman on a date. It’s going relatively well – until, that is, you realise a few dismaying things about the man sitting opposite you. He couldn’t decide what to order and let you take charge. He hasn’t asked you a single question about yourself, so you asked about his favourite musician and he didn’t name a single woman. When the bill came, he offered to split it rather than pay for you.
If you’re un-partnered and spend any time on social media, you will have seen content advising you to dump this man. “A walking red flag”, as some dating content creators will describe him. He’s a “narcissistic man-baby”. Delete his number. Block him, even. Consider warning others on a Facebook group like “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” or the Tea app – both platforms that allow women to sense check prospective dates or partners.
But perhaps you’re right – and he is a red flag made flesh. Maybe he’s listened to a few too many podcast bros and worries you’ll dump him as soon as a richer, handsomer prospect (a “high value man”) comes along – because that’s what all women want, right? God forbid he ever messages you with anything too awkward or earnest, because there are plenty of Instagram accounts devoted to publishing message screenshots from hapless men – so maybe he won’t end up texting at all.
Sound exhausting? Welcome to the world of heterosexual dating, in which men and women immediately assume the worst of each other. This widespread cynicism – towards the opposite gender and around straight relationships in general – is so pervasive that there’s even a name for it: heterofatalism.
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It’s easy to blame dating apps for this malaise – according to Forbes, 78 per cent of all users report swipe-related fatigue with these platforms. But social media surely has a part to play: there are legions of content creators who thrive off posting the most extreme takes on dating behaviour. Take one viral trend in which people secretly record a first date, usually with a view to shame or judge the person in question. In the words of one 22-year-old single girl in The Guardian recently: “Social media makes me scared shitless to date.”
As someone who recently made the mistake of liking one too many Esther Perel clips on TikTok after a break-up, I know this better than most. The algorithm now diverts a never-ending stream of hyper-pessimistic dating content into my newsfeed. Being hypnotised by the dulcet tones and matter-of-fact counsel of an accredited Belgian psychotherapist and couples therapist was one thing; but I knew I was in trouble when I, a 37-year-old woman, found myself nodding sagely along to relationship advice from a so-called “relationship coach” fresh out of college with absolutely zero professional credentials. If I believed everything these videos told me, I’d swear off love, don a nun’s habit and marry myself to Jesus.
Obviously, whisper networks warning of dangerous men to avoid have always existed among women. Social media now forces the manipulative, entitled and downright abusive to face some measure of accountability, no matter how bluntly the online mob wields the pitchfork. But there are other forces at play online, like how these algorithms amplify and reward the most polarising and sensationalised content. Combine that with the deeply human urge to understand why a prospective love interest has gone quiet or left us cold and you have a powder keg combination. Behaviour that might be otherwise explicable if we had only been more curious or understanding becomes a damning indictment of everything wrong with the date – or of men or women, as a whole.
As someone who has been on her fair share of bad dates with people of all genders, I can see the appeal of this content: Dating is expensive! It’s tough to put yourself out there! Who doesn’t want a shortcut to deciding who’s eligible and who isn’t?
But adopting a preemptively defensive position – where you are hypersensitive to any perceived flaws or wrongdoing – is surely antithetical to romance. Some form of mutual vulnerability and empathy must be necessary for love. Unfortunately, this isn’t easily quantifiable through a checklist – though you’d be hard-pressed to find that sentiment online, where viral tests and challenges like the orange peel theory claim to distinguish if he loves you based on whether he peels a piece of fruit on request.
If you want to find love, you won’t find it by mainlining dating content that encourages you to regard prospective dates as time wasters, at best – and monstrous villains, at worst. Perhaps your date didn’t want to come off as overbearing and order for you at dinner. Or, if you’re a man, perhaps she genuinely prefers going halves on the bill. And if they both ghosted you afterwards? They probably aren’t a toxic arch-manipulator hellbent on destroying every single person in their path. Maybe, in the words of one early 2000s dating advice book, they’re just not that into you.
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