“Katie Lister, you are such a gossip. Don’t you know that if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all?” I am six years old, and a burly dinner lady is berating me for telling everyone that Lauren Moorecroft flashed her knickers to everyone on the monkey bars before class. That was one of many key moments in my childhood where I internalised the message that I talk too much and that was a bad thing. I was a “chatterbox”, a “motormouth”, and worst of all, a “gossip”.
Not that any of those names stopped me from endlessly prying into other people’s business and then talking about it. I grew up to be a historian and newspaper columnist, which is just a fancy type of gossiping. But from the day that the dinner lady told me off to now, I have struggled to understand why gossip is regarded so poorly. Even as a small child, I saw that everyone did it, and it seemed like women did it more than men, or at least that was the message I received in films, TV, and endless jokes about women “wittering”. What I couldn’t understand was why I wasn’t allowed to join in?
As I have grown up, I have come to realise that men are every bit as gossipy as women are, but the act itself is perceived to be highly gendered. Never once have I been in possession of some piping hot tea and had a man tell me that he didn’t want to know about it.
Interestingly, there are studies showing key differences between how men and women gossip. In 2019, researchers from the University of California conducted an in-depth study to determine who gossips and why. They found that women engage in “neutral gossip” more than men do, but that men indulge in “negative” and “positive” gossip just as much as women do.
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In a nutshell, women are happy to chinwag for hours on end about the general detritus of everyday life, but it seems men only get interested when the conversation veers into the really juicy stuff. This might explain why all the men I know can give you the gossip headlines but are pretty poor when it comes to context. They weren’t listening to that bit. The study also showed that everyone engages in gossip, which they define as talking about someone who isn’t present. We do it, on average, for up to an hour each day.
What’s more, gossip actually serves an essential evolutionary function. Sharing information bonds large groups of people and fosters cooperation. It allows us to identify who is trustworthy and who should be avoided. How else could such information be gleaned, unless you ask for it? Historically, this has been particularly important for women who have been denied political, economic, and financial power. Swapping information can literally save lives.
Gossiping also plays a role in modifying group behaviour to reflect social norms for the simple reason that we don’t want to be the subject of it. In other words, a big motivator in behaving ourselves is the fear of becoming the subject of gossip.
When you boil it right down, gossiping is an enjoyable pastime that bolsters friendships. I love nothing more than having a proper natter with a mate when there are some juicy nuggets thrown in, and I know you probably do too. Which brings me back to my original question: why do we view those who enjoy a gossip so harshly? Surely, we are all being stonking great hypocrites.
I feel we must make a distinction between gossiping well and gossiping badly, because, as enjoyable as it is to rake over someone else’s private life, gossip is very powerful and can cause a lot of damage. There is a hefty dose of misogyny in the mix because we still regard it as something distinctly feminine, but beyond that, the answer seems to be that we distrust those who are careless with gossip, because there are rules to gossiping well.
Have you ever got mad with someone because they told someone else the thing that you told them that you weren’t supposed to tell them? You see? Rules. Gossip is ubiquitous but selective. We share information with specific groups of people (or persons) and expect that confidence to stay contained within that clique. What we don’t want is someone who just blabs across multiple social groups. People who can’t keep anything to themselves are social menaces and should be avoided.
Betraying a secret of someone close to you is another gossip faux pas. This is a tricky one because a lot of gossip is saying things you probably shouldn’t, but there is a world of difference between telling your workmate that your boss has an OnlyFans subscription and announcing to the office that Shelia from accounting is pregnant again. Disclosing highly sensitive information that you have been asked to keep shtum is poor form because it ruptures trust, and good gossiping requires trust.
Gossiping does all kinds of positive things, but it becomes damaging when the primary intent is to cause harm. We all know someone who never has a good thing to say about anyone and always seems to be stirring the pot. These people are the good gossip’s Achilles’ heel.
You don’t need to look too far to see this kind of nasty gossip in action because it flourishes in online spaces. In the last few months, the owner of the gossip website Tattle Life has been revealed and a plethora of influencers and celebrities have now come forward to talk about the trauma of being the subject of widespread, nasty gossip on the site. Tattle Life chalked up over 12 million users per month at its peak, all gathered to trash various people in the public eye. It would be very hard to make the case that this was all being done as an aid to social bonding. It was being done to tear people down.
The golden rule of gossip is that the content must be true, and it must be done to trade useful information and/or to bond. The silver rule is that the people you tell must keep said gossip within that group. (The bronze rule is to never write it down, ever.)
The swapping of dubious information in order to cause significant damage to a person’s reputation is precisely the kind of tittle-tattle the dinner lady was warning me about all those years ago. (Except I was right. Lauren Moorecroft had been flashing her knickers.)
It all boils down to why you are sharing this juicy little titbit in the first place. When we gossip, we are doing much more than trading information. The act itself is important because when we divulge a bit of gossip, we are saying “I trust you,” “I want your advice,” “I like you”. This sacred act becomes corrupted when the intention is to cause damage either to the subject of the gossip or the recipient of it. This is gossip at its most dangerous and manipulative.
But I like to think this is not done all that often. We all enjoy a good gossip and frankly, I’m not sure I would trust someone who didn’t. As long as we are all following the unwritten rules of a good natter, then I say bring it on. Surely it’s high time we stopped sneering at gossip but instead focus our dislike on those who do it badly.
So, as Alice Roosevelt Longworth said, if you don’t have anything nice to say, then please come and sit next to me.
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