I remember the moment I truly understood what men opening up could look like. After our disastrous exit from the 2015 World Cup – playing at home, expectations sky high – I walked back into the changing room feeling empty. I stumbled in, intent on collapsing into silence, but instead I broke down.
And something unexpected happened: the lads came to me. They saw me in my most vulnerable state and instead of retreating from me, they shared their own truths. It was real. It was human.
It made me think, in a weird way, that the locker room was more Ted Lasso, and less banter brigade.
In the Apple TV series Ted Lasso, which centres around the eponymous American football coach coming to work at fictional Premier League team AFC Richmond, the power of vulnerability is central. You see it when Ted himself cries, or when Nate (the kitman turned assistant coach) admits fear and loneliness. Only through that honesty do the men around him stop pretending and start supporting one another.
Looking back, rugby has always been more than a sport to me – it was for a long time my emotional outlet.
As a kid, grief was always there. When my dad died suddenly when I was five, I bottled up my emotions – I didn’t know how to manage my feelings. I am dyslexic too, and didn’t want to be in a classroom.
Rugby wasn’t just something I loved to play, it was also a form of grief management. Sport gave me a way to channel aggression, frustration and anger, into physical contact, in a controlled, purposeful way. Contact sport made things bearable. Rugby was both my therapy and my safe space.
After the World Cup collapse, the depression hit harder than any tackle I’d ever felt. The press interviews laid bare my feelings of failure – words like “you let the country down” echoed everywhere in my head. I didn’t want to leave the house and felt like the whole country hated me.
It was months later, during a Six Nations match against Wales at Twickenham, when everything I had been bottling up came out. We won. But the score meant so much more to me than just a number.
The victory was validation for me when I was in the depths of depression. It wasn’t just a number to me, it stood for so much more. I still felt like I had failed the country, but in that moment this win gave me a little bit of joy. All the feelings I had been bottling up, were no longer bottled and they spilled over. The tears just started to fall.
I remember running into the changing room, trying my best to hide from the reality of what I was feeling. I didn’t want anybody to see me in the state that I was in, I was a mess.
But the lads found me there, and they admitted their own battles. The moment was something you’d see on Ted Lasso: men finally naming what they felt, refusing to hide behind the bravado. Afterwards, one teammate said: “We didn’t realise how much this has really affected you.” But I had been doing everything I could to hide my reality from them.
In Ted Lasso, Roy Kent’s evolution shows that emotional strength takes courage, and in turn, that it takes strength to be honest and vulnerable. Roy grows from being a gruff player who rarely shows any emotion save anger, to seeking therapy and being vulnerable with his girlfriend Keeley and the other characters.
It takes bravery to stay human in front of your teammates, your friends. The boys were family to me, and I should have been able to have those conversations with them. It shouldn’t have gotten as bad as it did without me opening up. The boys had always supported me on the pitch, and I was silly to think they wouldn’t do the same off the pitch.
In Ted Lasso they all lean into the vulnerability of each other’s heartbreaks, and suddenly there’s trust. That’s what happened in my changing rooms: we realised we had each other’s backs, we were family, we won and lost together, we were each other’s support systems in the game, and in life. I should have opened up to them before, but I didn’t want to burden them, or for them to think I was too weak to lead them into the rugby trenches.
Funnily enough, rugby was also the path back for me. That controlled aggression – the rush of contact, the discipline of training – gave me structure. It also acted as a distraction sometimes. When everything fell apart inside, the rugby pitch was a place I could get angry and feel the full force of emotion, but make it into something constructive. It gave me a sense of control when everything else seemed to be a mess.
Even in retirement, I’m learning to use my voice more, and talk about things. As a dad now, I have a responsibility to my sons to teach them that being strong doesn’t mean they can’t express their emotions. And I’m showing that through the way I parent and talk about mental health and feelings. I think Ted Lasso would be proud.
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Today, I look back at my career, and whilst I still live with those moments where I felt I let people down, I am trying to turn the pain of those memories into pride. I’m beyond grateful for my career, and how rugby changed my life.
Sport was a best mate in the moments that I needed it the most. I dread to think what would have happened if it wasn’t for Harlequins, and how I would have navigated my teenage years without the game.
The locker room isn’t just a space for friendship, testosterone, and banter – it’s about companionship. In that locker room, we saw our most vulnerable selves, at our best and our worst. It was a pantomime when we were hiding how we really felt; in the times we couldn’t hide our emotions, it was a safe space to share.
So, here’s what I’d say: let’s keep opening up to each other. Channel your inner Ted Lasso.
This week I have been…
Watching… This week I have been watching previous Strictly episodes, so I can do some extra homework before I dance for the first time and to try and get some tips ahead of the series.
But I don’t know if watching them has made me feel better or worse, because I can’t help but compare myself to everybody else! I don’t think my feet move in the same way as some of the other contestants.
Obviously, the kids have been helping me to rehearse, but even my four-year-old son Wilding keeps telling me they dance better than I do! He’s most excited about my outfit choices! I try to watch the episodes when everybody has gone to bed in the hope of no jokes being made at my expense.
Listening… Our favourite thing to do is listen to the soundtrack from the film KPop Demon Hunters. As a family, we are obsessed. We sing along at the top of our lungs, so our neighbours must love us!
Sometimes I’ll be listening to K-pop in the gym. I’ve even asked Strictly if I can dance to any K-pop tracks. I am also a bit of a country music fan, and I’ve been putting together my music playlist to listen to when I am working out or having some down time to myself.
Celebrating… my brother’s wedding which was lovely. The weather was perfect in Mallorca. Great company, and beautiful scenery. It was such good fun, and my brother and my sister-in-law are so loved up.
Camilla and I let down our hair, and we really enjoyed the food, probably a little too much, not to mention the local wine. It was just a chance to switch off before Strictly, and to enjoy some much-needed downtime with the family.
I am so happy for my brother, and his wife. They are a perfect match, and Camilla and I are big fans.
Chris Robshaw is the co-founder of The Kerslake Robshaw Foundation. He will compete in the new series of Strictly Come Dancing, on BBC One and BBC iPlayer from Saturday 20 September.
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