For years, I’d felt uncomfortable making phone calls – a mix of social anxiety, fear of awkward silences, and a sense that no one really wanted to hear from me unless it was for a specific purpose.
I’m not alone: a 2024 survey by Uswitch found that nearly a quarter of 18- to 34-year-olds never answer their phones, often opting to ignore the call, respond via text, or search the number online if they don’t recognise it. Additionally, more than half of this age group associate unexpected calls with bad news, contributing to heightened anxiety around phone conversations.
I’m the founder of The Lonely Club, a community for people in their twenties and thirties who feel disconnected, so I know the value of what I’d been missing out on. I’ve hosted walks, brunches, and virtual check-ins to bring people together. But when it came to one-on-one calls? I avoided them. Even if I saw my mum ringing, I’d avoid it and make up an excuse as to why I couldn’t answer.
So, I set myself a challenge to do something about it: call 30 different people in 30 days.
I knew I needed to hold myself accountable, so I shared my plan on social media. I was stunned to find people I hadn’t spoken to in years reaching out offering to catch up. Within 24 hours, my calendar full.
Lara says her eyes were opened to how powerful it is to speak in real timeThe first few calls felt clumsy. I rehearsed scripts in my head, terrified I’d run out of things to say. But something unexpected happened – within minutes of each call, I relaxed.
One of my arranged calls was with someone I met through an online autism support group. By the end I felt like I’d known her for years. She was willing to be vulnerable and, as someone who usually communicates through texts (or voice notes, at a push) my eyes were opened to how powerful it is to speak in real time.
After calls like this, I felt a lightness. Instead of feeling drained as I usually do after socialising, I felt more energised. It was such a contrast to the dread I’d felt for so long, but psychologist Nadia DiLuzio says that my reaction makes more sense than I realised.
“When we step outside our comfort zone in a safe, structured way, our brain learns there’s nothing dangerous about the situation,” she explains. “By repeatedly practising, you build evidence for yourself that you can handle it, which increases confidence.”
She also notes that phone calls can feel safer for socially anxious people than in-person meetups because you can control the environment – you’re in your own space, with the ability to end the call politely if you need to.
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That “controlled discomfort” was exactly what I experienced. The more calls I made, the less scary it felt. I began to notice that the dread I had attached to picking up the phone wasn’t the reality – it was anticipation, a fear of a scenario that almost never came to pass.
A couple of weeks into the challenge, I discovered I’d been living inside what psychologists call the “liking gap” – the tendency to underestimate how much other people enjoy our company.
Before starting, I assumed people would see my name pop up on their phone and think, “Ugh, I don’t have time for this,” but the overwhelming majority seemed genuinely pleased to hear from me.
Every time someone said, “I’m so glad we arranged this call” or “This has made my day,” my internal narrative shifted. It made me wonder how many connections I’d let fade because I assumed the other person wasn’t interested. The challenge wasn’t just about reaching out – it was about retraining my brain to trust that connection is reciprocal, not one-sided.
Dr Taylor West, a social psychologist, explains that there’s good evidence for this. “We know from research that reconnecting with dormant ties – people you’ve lost touch with – can be surprisingly positive,” she said. “People often think the other person won’t care, but in reality they tend to be flattered and delighted.”
She also says that while passive social media use (scrolling) can increase loneliness, active communication – like phone calls – has the opposite effect. “Hearing someone’s voice triggers physiological synchronisation,” she said. “You start to match tone and pace, which fosters closeness and can be energising.”
Of course, every call wasn’t easy. There was someone from school who reached out because they wanted to “help with the experiment”. I expected to have a rich conversation as, from what I’d seen on social media, we had a lot in common, but it felt like she couldn’t let her guard down. Admittedly, I was thinking “I can’t wait for this to be over” when conversation wasn’t flowing.
Equally surprising was a call with someone from university who I didn’t know anything about. When I rang him, he was mid-hanging a photo frame on the wall which sparked a conversation about how he’s just moved into a house and what he did for work (a primary school teacher). We spoke for an hour and a half and I felt so connected to him after – someone I hadn’t seen or spoken to in 10 years.
The best way I can describe it is a caller’s high – the equivalent of a runner’s high. At first, picking up the phone feels uncomfortable, like the painful first few minutes of a run. There’s the anxiety beforehand, the pressure to “perform.” But once the conversation starts, I fall into a flow. The fear fades, the words come easily, and by the time I hang up I feel an adrenaline rush that’s both energising and calming – almost like medicine for my social health.
“The challenge wasn’t just about reaching out – it was retraining my brain to trust that connection is reciprocal, not one-sided”By week three, I no longer hovered over my phone, rehearsing my opening line. I stopped worrying about awkwardness and started looking forward to conversations.
One call led to an arranged brunch date. Another sparked plans for a weekend trip. Some calls even re-opened friendships I thought had run their course. My social circle grew by around 50 per cent in a month – not by meeting strangers, but by nurturing the connections I already had.
For many in my generation, phone calls feel outdated or even invasive. We’re used to the safety of typing a message and editing before hitting send. But that comes at a cost: the absence of tone, rhythm, and spontaneous laughter. Calls also cut through the performative element of social media. And unlike group chats or Instagram DMs, calls feel like dedicated, intentional use of time. That, I realise, is rare.
As Dr West puts it: “You can’t multitask in the same way during a phone call. The very act of giving someone your full attention is a gift – and it’s reciprocated.”
Since completing the challenge, I’ve kept the habit alive – not daily, but weekly. I’ll see someone’s name and think, I should just call them.
My self-esteem has grown, not because I became more “social” in the traditional sense, but because I proved to myself that I can take the first step. I’ve also noticed my tolerance for vulnerability increase – something Nadia DiLuzio says is key for deeper connection.
“Connection requires risk,” she tells me. “The risk of rejection, the risk of awkwardness. But most of the time, those risks don’t play out – and the reward is worth it.”
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