According to licensed psychologist Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, gaslighting is most common in the context of relationships, but it can just as easily happen at work or in a friendship situation. You'll want to be on high alert if you suspect someone is gaslighting you because it can have lasting effects—even if you decide to part ways with that person. It can even lead to resentment or residual emotional trauma so you should definitely take it seriously if you feel like someone's behavior fits this bill. Luckily, Dr. Bobby shares how to deal with a gaslighter—including little-known ways to outsmart them.While you might think that you need to play the game with a manipulator, many of these techniques actually involve simple self-reflection and self-care exercises that make you less vulnerable to the influence of a gaslighter. If you aren't sure about what exactly a gaslighter is or how to identify this kind of behavior, don't worry, Dr. Bobby breaks it all down below. Ahead, you'll find out how to spot a gaslighter a mile away, what to do when dealing with a gaslighter, and, most importantly, how to stay mentally unscathed through it all.Related: 14 Genius Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting, According to Psychologists
Dr. Bobby says there are a few different ways to define a gaslighter, depending on the context of the situation, but she gives a general overview, explaining, "A gaslighter is someone who's attempting to destabilize your trust in your own perceptions, your judgment, and your point of view." Over time, dealing with a gaslighter can erode your ability to trust yourself.She also thinks it's important to note that the term "gaslighting" has become really popular in our culture and we should understand that not everyone who disagrees with you is actively gaslighting you. "Not everyone who has a different perspective is trying to manipulate you," she adds. "In every conflict, people have different points of view. Just because someone doesn't share your perspective doesn’t mean you’re being gaslit. And if you label someone's communication style as 'gaslighting' when it isn't, that can actually damage your relationship. Ironically, they might feel like they are being gaslit by you. It’s a really interesting dynamic."Related: 11 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting To Look for in Your Relationship
Why It's Hard To Communicate With a Gaslighter
When speaking to a gaslighter, there's always the possibility of being manipulated and your own self trust can erode. Dr. Bobby says that true gaslighting is, unfortunately, most common in abusive relationships. "It's hard to communicate in those situations because the other person isn't really interested in your needs, rights or feelings," she explains. "They have an agenda, and that agenda doesn't make space for you."She also says that communicating with true gaslighters might not even be a good idea. They don't have your best interest at heart and it often makes more sense to exercise your boundaries and exit the conversation if you can, especially if you're in an abusive relationship.Related: 8 Phrases High-Level Gaslighters Often Use, According to Psychologists
This may sound overly simple, but Dr. Bobby says you'd be surprised how good true gaslighters are at being subtle. It may take you a while to pick up on the nuances of their behavior, but once you learn to recognize patterns of manipulation, you can immediately shift gears and reinforce healthy boundaries.
2. Refuse to participate
One of the most effective ways to outsmart a gaslighter is to decide you won't participate in their game of manipulation. Dr. Bobby says that this is powerful, but requires mental strength. Removing yourself from the conversation or simply ignoring their attempt to gaslight you means that they immediately lose any power in the situation.Related: What Happens When You Ignore a Gaslighter? Psychologists Break It All Down
Once you start to recognize gaslighting for what it is, Dr. Bobby says it's important to speak up for yourself and call this behavior out. She shares a polite way to do this without escalating the situation: "You might say something like: 'I understand that you're trying to make me question my own judgment. I know what happened. You may have a different perspective, but please do not invalidate mine. If there's no room for my point of view in this conversation, then this isn't a conversation I’m willing to keep having.'"
4. Set strong boundaries
Refusing to participate in a conversation with a gaslighter is the perfect example of exercising strong boundaries, but Dr. Bobby says that when dealing with a true gaslighter, you should always be on your guard. You can set other boundaries before a conversation to make sure your perspective is heard. She suggests saying something like, "If you want to talk with me, it's going to require being open to my perspective, just as I try to be open to yours. Your opinions aren't more important or valid than mine."
The most important relationship you'll ever have is with yourself. If you truly want to learn to outsmart a gaslighter, Dr. Bobby says you need to create a strong relationship with yourself. Knowing your values, sense of self-worth and self-respect are all key elements in having a good relationship with yourself. When you know who you are and treat yourself with respect, you're less likely to fall prey to gaslighting.Related: 4 Common Habits of High-Level Gaslighters, According to Psychologists
6. Surround yourself with rational-minded people
If you're having trouble deciphering someone's behavior and whether or not it's gaslighting, it's helpful to have rationally-minded, down-to-earth people around you to help. Dr. Bobby explains, "When you run your thoughts and feelings past trusted, rational-thinking partners, it strengthens your trust in yourself. That helps you become less vulnerable to confusion or self-doubt when someone is actively trying to manipulate your perception of reality."
7. Seek out the help of a professional
Dr. Bobby stresses that gaslighting is extremely dangerous in the context of relationships. While it's great to build a set of skills and tools that you can use against a gaslighter, it's also important to prioritize yourself and your happiness by looking for ways to get out of the relationship. Gaslighting can leave a lot of emotional damage in its wake—you can seek the help of a therapist to help you work through any residual trauma. A therapist can also help you to heal and give you the tools to avoid a relationship with a gaslighter in the future.
How To Stay Mentally Strong When Dealing With Gaslighting
Gaslighting is never easy to deal with, but if you know someone who is a gaslighter in the work place or in a relationship, it's important to have connections with people outside of that environment if you want to stay mentally strong. Like Dr. Bobby mentioned above, surrounding yourself with healthy relationships is the key and she recommends taking it a step further. "[You need] people who can help you think through your own experiences, reflect on your point of view, and provide trustworthy feedback," she says. The more you're able to discern between healthy and unhealthy behavior, the easier it will be for you to put up your boundaries against it.When dealing with a gaslighter, it's also important to communicate openly about your needs when interacting with them. Set the precedent that you won't be disrespected or treated like your perspective isn't valid. Remember that you're worthy of feeling understood. Like Dr. Bobby mentioned, you should always build a strong relationship with yourself and your mental health to be able to easily deflect gaslighting behavior.
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Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby is a licensed psychologist, founder, and CEO of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching.Hence then, the article about how to deal with a gaslighter according to a psychologist was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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