Dear Eric:
I’ve been taking yoga classes for at least eight years from a woman who teaches a small group in her yard. I’m friendly with most of the students in the class, but the instructor apparently doesn’t like “the cut of my jib.”
Example: She singled me out in class one time, saying I looked like “someone’s mom in the ’70s doing yoga.” For the record, she is in her 50s, and I’m 10 years older. Another example was that she said I looked like a Lilly Pulitzer model. I was wearing bright lipstick (never again) and an ordinary top. I innocently asked who Lilly Pulitzer was; turns out she thinks I have a “retro” appearance, but not in a kind way.
A couple of weeks ago, I let her and the people I’m friendly with know that I would no longer be attending the class, which is on Saturdays.
Should I return to the class on occasion so I can visit my friends? I have no intention of “spilling the tea” about this teacher. They may have witnessed it, but it doesn’t matter; I won’t bring it up (even though I’d sort of like to).
– Downward Drama
Dear Downward:
Regardless of the instructor’s intent, this kind of needling is poor form. (Pun only slightly intended.) As a business owner (or community convener, if this is a free class), it’s in her best interest to provide a welcoming environment to her customers. And as a yoga instructor, she should be focused on cultivating a space that helps students to practice in peace. If she’s singling you out in class, I would hope it’s to kindly and constructively give you an adjustment, not mock your appearance.
So, you were right to leave. But it’s not fair that you have to find a new class and new social connections simply because of this person’s inappropriate focus on you. One would think after eight years she’d have gotten it out of her system. If you want to return on occasion, you should.
But to reduce any potential anxiety, perhaps reach out to her first to set a new personal boundary. She may see these comments as just a part of her style. After all, you’re in her yard, so maybe she feels more comfortable shooting from the hip. It’s OK to tell her that comments about your appearance or anything that’s not yoga related doesn’t sit right with you. Ask her to make the adjustment.
The caveat to all of this is that she may not be receptive to your feedback and since this class is in the yard, there’s no way to escalate the request. In that case, consider inviting your friends to drop in on a class with you someplace else. There are other yoga classes and other yards, and I hope you’ll find them welcoming and restoring.
Dear Eric:
I am 71 years old. Our dog, who has been with us for 17 years, has cancer. He has only days to live. For my entire life, I have lived with pets. While I would like to have another dog, for the first time in my life, it is likely that a new pet will outlive me. Would it be thoughtless for me to take on a new pet at this stage of my life?
– Grieving Granddad
Dear Granddad:
I’m so sorry to hear about your beloved pet. I know that there’s a lot of love there and a lot of grief. There are many pets that still need love, so please don’t let your stage of life impede you. Consider adopting a senior pet, as they can sometimes be harder to adopt.
Dear Eric:
Several weeks ago, I asked whether someone’s refusal to use his hearing aids was being disrespectful to me after I had asked him several times. I showed him the letter I wrote, and he took it seriously. He has started wearing them in the venues where it makes a difference to me which is all I wanted in the first place so that has made a big improvement in our relationship.
– Win-Win
Dear Win-Win:
I’m so glad to read this for his sake and for your sake. While I love receiving letters from folks, this update illustrates a great practice that we all can employ. Sometimes it helps to just write out your thoughts or feelings on an issue. Oftentimes, I do it just for myself, so I can be clear-headed in conversation. I like that you took it a step further and used the letter as a jumping off point for a productive conversation with your friend. A lot of us struggle to find the right words to say in the face of a problem, disagreement or conflict. Writing it out and starting from there can really help.
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(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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