These days, it's normal to scroll through social media and see psychologists warning about certain negative behaviors like gaslighting and manipulation. But lately (and perhaps surprisingly), "people-pleasing" has also been getting more attention. Merriam-Webster defines a "people-pleaser" as "someone or something that pleases or wants to please people" or "a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires." And in this age of burnout, overcommitment and validation-seeking, it's more important than ever to dig deeper into the impact of, and the why behind people-pleasing.Meg Josephson, LCSW, psychotherapist and author of Are You Mad at Me? How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You (released August 5), is passionate about keeping the spotlight on this behavior—but making sure we're all focusing on the right things. She's begging individuals (and society, as a whole) to stop believing a few common myths related to the way we think about people-pleasing—including the #1 myth she wants to nix for good.Related: If You’re a People-Pleaser, You’ve Probably Said These 7 Things Before
The #1 Myth About People-Pleasers, According to a Psychotherapist
"The biggest myth is perhaps the language around it, that it’s self-sabotage and something to shame ourselves for," Josephson tells Parade. The way we think about ourselves matters. And for many self-proclaimed "people-pleasers," the negative connotations with this label have greatly outweighed the reality. "For many, people-pleasing is a survival strategy, and it’s a behavior we learned early on as a way to feel safe and accepted," she continues. "Because so many people-pleasers already carry such a deep sense of shame and a feeling that something is 'wrong' with them, adding more shame to this pattern isn’t necessarily helpful or healing."So, what *is* helpful and healing?"Instead, viewing people-pleasing and the fawn response as something that has protected us—this is where the healing can begin," she explains. "This part of us that people-pleases is scared and wants to know it’s safe. And sometimes, we need to fawn. But when it becomes our default way of being, we end up fawning when we’re actually safe. Healing is really about acknowledging the ways in which people-pleasing has unconsciously protected us, and starting to become aware of it without adding a layer of shame to it, so that we can notice when it’s happening and ask ourselves: 'Do I need to be people-pleasing right now?'"Related: 6 Ways Being a People-Pleaser Can Ruin Your Relationships, According to Therapists
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Nope. "It's a pattern, and we can always change!" Josephson explains. "It takes time to heal. Because the fawn response is usually born out of complex relational trauma (AKA trauma that happened over a long period of time, in the 'small' moments of not feeling safe, heard [and] loved in our relationships), it’s going to take time to heal the pattern, and we do so by being in relationships that feel safe. The wound formed in relationships, and the wound will heal in relationships."Related: 8 Phrases To Replace Saying ‘It’s OK’ When It’s Really Not OK, According to Psychologists
Myth: Speaking up means you're not being nice
"People-pleasers may often say, 'But I can’t speak up, I need to be nice!' And of course, this comes from a self-protective place of wanting to be seen as 'good' and 'perfect,'" Josephson shares. "I always like to differentiate nice vs. compassionate. Nice is about being seen as nice, and maybe we’re doing something nice on the outside but on the inside, we’re resentful and angry. Is that being nice? Compassionate, on the other hand, is coming from an authentic place, where how we’re acting aligns with how we’re feeling."Wondering how that looks in the real world?"Sometimes, being compassionate means saying no, or being firm," she continues. "Nice is about reducing short-term discomfort and promoting short-term harmony, whereas compassion may lead to discomfort now, but ultimately has more harmony longterm."
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Related: Individuals Who Grew Up as 'People-Pleasers' Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
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Meg Josephson, LCSW is a full-time psychotherapist with over five hundred thousand followers and millions of likes across social media platforms, and author of Are You Mad at Me? How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You. She holds a Master of Social Work from Columbia University with a concentration in clinical practice and received her meditation teacher certification from the Nalanda Institute in New York City.Hence then, the article about a psychotherapist is begging everyone to stop believing this common myth about people pleasers was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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