What Is a 'Lavender Marriage,' Exactly? ...Saudi Arabia

It is no secret that members of the LGBTQ+ have historically struggled with marriage equality and acceptance. After all, the queer community did not see the legalization of same-sex marriage in the United States until 2015. But there's a certain term that's been around for a lot longer: lavender marriage.Lavender marriages are one of the many ways that members of the LGBTQ+ community have been able to band together in the face of oppression and other societal dangers. But what does this designation actually mean?Parade spoke with Dr. Justin Bengry, queer historian and founder of the world’s first MA in Queer History at the University of London, and Lillian Faderman, lesbian, LGBTQ+ historian and “the mother of lesbian history," to learn more about the history and prevalence of lavender marriages in the queer community. Related: Get To Know the History Behind 17 LGBTQ+ Pride Flags and What They Each Represent

“Historically, it's a marriage between two people, a man and a woman who identify as gay,” Faderman explains, sharing that, in the 1950s, “gay” was the term that they used to use for both lesbians and gay men. Dr. Bengry, who is also Faculty of History at the University of Oxford and Senior Visting Research Fellow at King’s College London, adds that, while every lavender marriage did include at least one queer partner, it was not always so cut and dry. He explains that lavender marriages could also include one queer person marrying a straight partner.“In each case,” he says, “legal, state-sanctioned marriage protected the queer partner(s) socially and economically.” Related: Lesbian Bars Near Me': Where the 34 Remaining Lesbian Bars Are in America

Why Choose a Lavender Marriage?

The motivation behind entering a lavender marriage ultimately differs for each queer person, but our experts explain that there are two distinct, historical reasons for that choice. 

The first, and perhaps biggest, reason to enter a lavender marriage was the safety that it offered the partner(s). “A lavender marriage provided safety and protection by obscuring the homosexuality of one or both partners who were assumed to be straight if they were legally married,” Dr. Bengry tells Parade. He describes the protection that it offered queer people both from legal persecution as well as societal.“Lavender marriages could also protect people from disapproving families and communities, which could include anything from disappointment and being disowned to danger and outright violence,” he says. Faderman agrees with this sentiment, commenting that it was “dangerous to be gay historically,” and that these lavender marriages—as well as regular relationships, which Faderman calls “lavender tandem” and “front dating”—offered safety, as well as “access to places they could not have gone [as] same-sex couples."

It Offered Friendship and Community  

The other motivating factor for queer people living in a time where the criminalization and intolerance of queerness led to feelings of societal isolation was the sense of community that lavender marriages fostered between lesbians and gay men. “I think friendships were really cherished—particularly in the 1950s—among lesbians and gay men, when the world outside was so hostile, and the community had to band together more than I think it did in later eras,” Faderman explains. Faderman, who was in a lavender marriage of her own when she was 17, attests to the deep friendship and sense of community that the marriage afforded her, personally.“[My ex-husband] wrote me a letter when we decided to get married, and it was really quite lovely,” she says. “He talked about how ours is the kind of relationship where we reach out to each other with one hand and to others with the other hand.” This recognition of the special type of bond that they shared, along with the acknowledgement of the other, different bonds that fulfilled them, is a special image for Faderman, and it illustrates the sense of community that motivated queer people to enter into lavender marriages. 

“The color lavender has had a long association with homosexuality, so the term ‘lavender marriage’ plays with this link,” Dr. Bengry explains. “Lavender, then, references the homosexuality of one or both partners, and the queerness of the marriage.” There is speculation as to the exact origin of the use of the term "lavender" in regards to LGBTQ+ people. As CNN reported, the use of this term dates back as early as the 7th century BC with the lesbian poet, Sappho, who spoke of a former female lover and the “violet tiaras” they shared. Other examples of lavender—or different hues of purple, such as violet—being used in reference to the queer community can be traced to the 1940s through the 1960s, a period of time known as the “Lavender Scare,” where, in conjunction with the government’s Red Scare fight against communism, homosexual workers were targeted by the government for their sexuality. The term “lavender menace” was also coined in 1969 by author and activist Betty Friedan who sought to exclude lesbians from the second-wave feminist movement. This phrase was soon reclaimed by lesbians as an act of resistance, per them. Related: 25 Best Gay and LGBTQ+ Romance Movies of All Time, Ranked

Historical Examples of a Lavender Marriage

Due to the secretive nature of the queer identities they protected, many, if not most, lavender marriages will be lost to the sands of time. There are, however, several historical examples of lavender marriages, and they all point back to the “golden age of Hollywood," according to Dr. Bengry. “Now, many people believe that marriages including those of Rock Hudson and Phyllis Gates, and Cary Grant and several different women were lavender marriages,” he says. The main reason, according to Dr. Bengry, for Hollywood stars such as Rock Hudson to be in a lavender marriage was “to protect their image and reputation—and therefore, also their value, to studios as box office draws.” 

Faderman agrees. “His agent, Henry Wilson, arranged for him to marry the agent’s secretary, Phyllis Gates,” she says. “And the public loved that because Rock Hudson was such a male star, a very sexy icon for straight women. And… his marriage to Phyllis Gates gave them something to fantasize about.” While the most infamous example would be Rock Hudson, Faderman also cites “Alla Nazimova, the very famous vamp on the silent screen,” as being in a lavender marriage as well. Related: Here's How To Be a Straight Ally to the LGBTQ+ Community

While there are no well-known lavender marriages right now (at least when it comes to the public eye), couples might still partake in this type of partnership to protect themselves against dangerous family dynamics or other societal challenges they're facing.“I can imagine,” Faderman speculates, “there are occasional front marriages, but there’s not the same impetus as there was in the 1920s, for instance, with Hollywood stars. Or even in the 1950s when homosexuality was against the law in every state in the union, and there was a real reason to want to pass as heterosexual.” There may not be any famous lavender marriages at the moment, but take to any social media platform, and it is apparent that there is a clear rise in the conversation surrounding them. Dr. Bengry explains that this may not be for the same security reasons, but instead, it could be for economic reasons. “I see it…as a pragmatic or even desperate response to ongoing economic precarity and danger that characterizes late capitalism,” he says. “These threats to people's (including queer people) safety and wellbeing exist independently of social media, catchwords and branding, and so even if these new so-called lavender marriages aren’t contracted specifically to project queer people, I see some continuities with past examples nonetheless.”

Are Lavender Marriages Legally Recognized?

Because lavender marriages are official marriages done through the appropriate channels, Dr. Bengry states that there is no reason for them to not be recognized as legitimate in the eyes of the law. “Others might find the marriage suspect,” he says. “But no law forbade queer people from keeping their sexuality a private matter and marrying another person, even another queer person, so long as they were not the same sex.” 

So, whether you’re a queer person looking to protect yourself from a dangerous family dynamic or a heterosexual person looking to find financial benefits in a “lavender marriage” of sorts, know that this type of marriage is completely legal.

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