Frumpy Mom: My daughter wants to be a mortician ...Middle East

My beautiful daughter always wanted to become a hairdresser, which I thought was great, because she’s smart, sociable, artistic and likes working for herself. But then her OCD kicked in, and she decided she could no longer stand the disgusting thought of putting her hands into other people’s hair.

So she decided to become a funeral director, and be around dead people all day. That’s not weird, is it?

Now, let me explain that she’s hardly ever actually been around any dead people, except maybe my dad who died and had an open casket when she was a girl. But somehow she has now decided to make a profession of this, despite her utter and complete lack of knowledge about what she’s getting into. And, yes, I told her to watch “Six Feet Under.” I don’t know if she did.

Let me make it clear that I’m not opposed to Curly Girl choosing this as a career. She could be a star. She loves to talk to people, listen to their problems and comfort them. She does this all day as a bartender, and her customers love her to death. Well, so to speak.

And she knows something about death, even though she’s only 25. I adopted her when she was age 3, but she always wanted to meet her birth father, who abandoned her mother. I later found him online, living in the Simi Valley, where he was a successful tattoo artist. She planned to go introduce herself to him when she was 18.

Unfortunately, he was fatally shot by the police before she got the chance, in what some people called a “suicide by police.” This is apparently not uncommon — you do something so heinous that the cops have to shoot you. Anyway, even though she hadn’t seen her father since she was a baby, she still grieved terribly over her lost opportunity.

Also, even though we live in a middle-class, otherwise boring suburban neighborhood, two of her high school friends died from overdoses, wounding her deeply. This really makes me shake my head, because I didn’t know anyone who died when I was a teenager. Life is harder nowadays for kids, I think.

Anyway, she knows about grief and impromptu counseling, so I think she would be a good funeral director. And she has a weird ghoulish streak, too, that probably attracts her to it as well. (Luckily this doesn’t manifest as any goth makeup or clothing, although she’s got enough piercings that I’m always afraid water will pour out of her when she drinks anything.)

We talked to my acquaintance, Jill Ann Lloyd, who’s a funeral celebrant, also known as a death doula. She thought it sounded like a good idea.

But, back to the OCD issue. (Which stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, for those of who who live in a cave.) She started developing this when she was a teenager, along with panic attacks and anxiety. It’s not terrible, although she always insists on setting the radio volume to an even number and she won’t let her foods touch each other.

I just can’t help thinking that she should actually spend some time around corpses (sorry, I couldn’t immediately think of a more polite word for them. Stiffs?) before she decides to go to school to work with them. I mean, she won’t even shampoo other people’s hair. Don’t you agree? I tried to talk her into getting a job at a funeral home, to test it out before we (meaning me) shell out big bucks for school. But, no, she doesn’t want to. So then, I told her she needs to at the very least job shadow a funeral director for a day, just to make sure she actually likes it. She muttered under her breath about that one, but I hold the purse strings, so we’ll see what happens.

Did I mention that she wants to do most of her schooling online? So, theoretically, she could almost be done with her degree before she even touches a dead body. I just don’t think that’s a good idea.

Online classes would be a good idea, because she has two babies in diapers at home so it would be hard for her to go to class. But what if she finally gets to the embalming class —which you might be stunned to learn must be done in person — and then she’s horrified and can’t do it?

Now, as I’ve told you in the past, my daughter knows infinitely more than I do, so she frequently rolls her eyes and ignores my advice. But this time, she really can’t ignore me, at least not if she wants me to sign checks from her college fund I set up years ago.

Do you agree with me? Do you own a funeral home? Don’t you think she should check it out first? How did you end up in the business? Let me know what you think. I’m at [email protected].

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