As a parent, you want to do whatever you can to help your children succeed, and you hope for a good relationship with them when they are finally on their own.
The age-old question is, how do you achieve both goals?
For over two decades, I ran the paid college internship program for business majors at our firm. Across the board, the interns were bright and genuinely good people, but many were flailing.
I witnessed how fragile that transition into adulthood can be and how hard it was for their parents to help them.
What I noticed the students were lacking were the basic tools, exposure and support to navigate early adulthood. I worked with seniors who did not know what a mortgage or pension was. Many made terrible financial and life decisions and were already in serious debt before their 21st birthday.
Because they had very little exposure to different professions and careers, some realized, shortly before graduation, that they no longer wanted to pursue the career path they had chosen.
Their loving and attentive parents thought they were being supportive and providing sound advice, yet they were pained to watch their kids shut down and tune out. The kids, however, had a good reason not to listen. The world has changed so much from when we were their age. Much of our advice was no longer applicable.
Your advice might be outdated
Think about how, when we were becoming adults, a ‘typical’ life path seemed more predictable. A steady job could support a modest lifestyle, and buying a home in your 20s and starting a family was normal. Some of us graduated college with no debt, and, depending on when we entered the workforce, full-time work generally came with decent job security and good pay and benefits like pensions, health insurance, and paid time off.
There was no gig economy. Most in the middle class had enough to save for retirement and their kids’ education while still going on one or two vacations a year and buying a new car every few years. While life was never perfect, the financial steps toward adulthood were more clearly defined and much more affordable.
That is not the world our kids and grandkids are entering.
We are all aware of what they are up against: out-of-reach housing prices, AI replacing human workers, increased interest rates and the highest levels of student debt in history. Many can’t afford to live on their own, let alone think about starting a family. The cost of childcare and health insurance can rival a mortgage payment.
A devastating example was in the news recently when a 22-year-old died after being unable to refill his prescribed maintenance asthma inhaler. Its out-of-pocket cost had suddenly jumped from $65 to more than $500, and he could not afford the increase. Tragically, he did not know that if he purchased the generic drug with a prescription discount card, the cost would have been just $56, and he would have lived. But no one told him.
How can we do a better job helping our young adults while keeping them safe?
Try high-level discussions
I am not a family therapist, and I am certainly not going to tell you how to talk to your kids. However, after so many years of working with college seniors, I can tell you that they expect a particular interaction with parents and other adults that causes them to avoid talking with us.
They expect:
—If you, as a parent, call, there is a motive or purpose for the call.
—There will probably be questions like, “You will be graduating on time, right?” or “Why don’t you ask your boss for more money and a promotion?”
—You could offer cliched or out-of-date advice like, “You should learn to code,” or “Maybe you should consider a trade school instead of college.”
—There will probably be some criticism, such as to stop going out so much or that you can make coffee at home.
—You might compare your experience to theirs with statements like, “When I was your age, I already had three kids and tons of responsibilities.”
—That you are going to make them feel guilty about how much you are spending on their schooling.
—You may compare them to the children of your friends, their siblings, or cousins who are all doing better than them.
—You will assume what help they need, even if they did not ask for it, and will place conditions on that help like, “You can stay here, but you are going to follow my rules.”
Of course, it is not your intention to make them feel bad — just the opposite. However, the best thing you can do for your adult child is to avoid all of the above and instead help them grow as an adult with their decision-making processes.
I practice having what I call “high-level discussions” with clients, my family, and probably too many strangers. You are both now adults, so the way you communicate needs to change. A high-level discussion goes beyond surface-level advice like “spend less” or “just pick a major and stick with it” and instead explores goals, values, fears and opportunities.
On the next call, listen and do not talk much at all. If you have an agenda for the call, just this once, temporarily abandon it.
Practice active listening (not thinking of your response), and do not try to fill the uncomfortable silence. After they are finished expressing themselves, the natural question you will ask is, how can I help? Again, listen.
By being an unbiased sounding board with their best interest at heart, you are helping your child grow their decision-making power while strengthening your adult relationship.
During your second or third call, instead of telling them about your accomplishments, like how you bought your first home at 25, try talking about the mistakes you made, the things you wish you had done differently, or the financial habits you’re still working on.
Your vulnerability will make you more relatable and your opinions more trustworthy. Don’t worry about your image because they stopped thinking you were perfect a long time ago.
By having high-level, adult discussions with your kids, you are still the parent, but you are giving them what they really want and what will genuinely help them. They know you are there to listen, to support them emotionally, to protect them if they get in a bad situation, and to help them when they ask for help.
I love what Kermit the frog said in a commencement speech last month, “Life is not a solo act … It is a big, messy, delightful ensemble piece, especially when you are with your people.” Accept that it won’t be perfect, and know that is why they still need you.
Michelle C. Herting is a CPA, accredited in business valuations, and an accredited estate planner specializing in succession planning and estate, gift, and trust taxes.
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