The way in which we communicate is becoming ever more remote – and a screen is often the most common way to interact with others. The rest of the time, we read words, listen to voice notes, interpret emojis or look at GIFs.
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Words can sometimes be exactly what we need, and they do the job they were intended to do. But sometimes, words are not enough. When we are feeling low and sad, or anxious and worried, or confused and lost, or vulnerable and tender, we need more than words. We need to sense humanity in it’s true and rawest form – in the form of non-verbal communication and cues.
We rarely think about how our non-verbal body language and behaviours add to our sense of wellbeing, and how we need a dose of that every day. Research suggests that being deprived of these types of non-verbal interactions can actually contribute to poor mental health, anxiety and loneliness.
Words are powerful, but there are some things they cannot convey, and some feelings they cannot as effectively impact.
With loneliness on the rise, we actually need more face-to face interaction, more non-verbal cues and to go back to the basics of how we communicate, bond and have a sense of belonging. So, what kinds of behaviours can we use to strengthen our relationships, improve our emotional wellbeing, and build our resilience when life gets tough?
Never underestimate the power of physical touch – hugs, cuddles and stroking someone’s hair. Several neurotransmitters and hormones are released during these activities, including oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin. Oxytocin is a chemical produced in a part of the brain called the hypothalamus, released from the pituitary gland, and linked with lactation and bonding between mother and child. It encourages trust, a sense of calm and connectedness, as well as reducing our stress (cortisol) hormone. It improves social bonding and emotional resilience. When we hug, we also get a release of endorphins – chemicals that impact our perception of psychological and physical pain.
Brain imaging has shown that we process psychological pain in the same region of the brain as we feel physical pain, so these endorphins act on our reward centres to encourage us to repeat physical behaviours like hugging. Dopamine and serotonin are also released and produce good feelings and boost our mood, as well as our parasympathetic nervous system being activated and lowering our blood pressure and pulse. Physical touch has been shown to lower activity in our brain’s “fear centre” – our amygdala, and so we feel less threat.
Smiling
A smile can say a thousand words. Research has shown that seeing someone smile can build trust, bonding and empathy. We get a release of serotonin and dopamine that allows us to be less stressed and feel happier, even lowering our blood pressure. Our brains have a collection of “mirror neurons” which are activated to mimic and copy the facial expression of someone else when we see them. So, smiling really is contagious – when we see a smile, we smile back and so a positive feedback cycle of trust, cooperation and bonding starts – then builds momentum. In romantic relationships, this has been taken even further in what science has called “smile synchrony”.
The more we in smile at the same time, in response to our partner smiling, the closer, stronger and more stable our relationship has been shown to be. Smiling has also been shown to encourage a positive memory of someone after first meeting them, so we can create new relationships through non-verbal communication, as well as strengthen our long-term ones.
Smiling is contagious (Photo: Flashpop/Getty /Digital Vision)There is actually some science behind the old adage of people falling in love “when their eyes met across a crowded room”. It is impossible to make eye contact on a screen and in this digital age where we are all so distracted by our devices and the noise of the outside world, that we can easily forget to look into the eyes of the person we are talking to. Yet, prolonged eye contact has been shown to increase feelings of attraction and connection, release oxytocin, build rapport and reduce uncertainty in new relationships.
Silence
The most non-verbal behaviour we can display is silence, and it speaks volumes. Communicators call it active listening – listening with intention, without interruption, without judgement and with understanding. Silence when someone is telling you something and talking to you, builds trust, shows empathy and respect, and encourages understanding. It is powerful.
Holding hands
A failsafe non-verbal behaviour that can help us feel better is holding hands. Couples who hold hands have been shown to experience lower stress, have a reduced pain perception, express better emotional regulation with challenge and have a closer connection. Holding hands can release oxytocin which allows trust and the feelings of security and a reduced threat response.
During challenging situations, words can seem hard to find. Yet science proves when words fail us, there are some essential and easy ways to help someone feel better.
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