“Gaslighting” has been a buzzword for a while. You may have read articles about what gaslighting is, watched TikToks where creators shared their stories with it or even used the word when talking to friends about an ex.Quick refresher: Gaslighting is manipulating another person to make them doubt their perceptions and even their sanity.If that wasn’t scary enough, there are also “high-level gaslighters.” But what are they, how can you spot one and how can you deal with them? Parade reached out to psychologists to learn about the common habits and behaviors to look out for. Related: 8 Phrases High-Level Gaslighters Often Use, According to Psychologists
First, let’s talk about what sets a high-level gaslighter apart.For one, they are “more calculated, polished and subtle in their tactics,” according to Dr. Harry Cohen, PhD, a psychologist and the author of Be the Sun, Not the Salt. They're generally likeable people, he continues, and they use plausible deniability and “reasonable” language to make their lies seem more convincing.Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, researcher, podcaster and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women, shares similar input. She adds they're “often socially rewarded for the very traits that make their behavior so dangerous,” and that they're hard to spot “because on the surface, they often seem emotionally intelligent, generous, even vulnerable.”
That can drive you deeper into the relationship and its unhealthiness. “When we can’t clearly name what’s happening, we’re more likely to internalize the harm,” Dr. Kelley explains. “That confusion is part of what makes this so damaging and so difficult to walk away from.”You may be curious why people are this way—not to excuse their behavior, just to understand what’s going on. According to these psychologists, several reasons could be at play: wanting to control the narrative or people’s perceptions, to preserve their image and power, to avoid facing emotional discomfort and to protect their ego.
Related: The 10 Earliest Signs of Emotional Manipulation To Look Out For, According to PsychologistsWhat that might look like in practice, Dr. Cohen says, is claiming they “never said that,” shifting blame to make you question your reality, or eroding your confidence and self-trust so they're more dominant and in control.And the cause of that, he continues, could be a variety of factors, from narcissistic personality disorder to antisocial tendencies to even deep insecurity.
4 Common Habits of High-Level Gaslighters, According to Psychologists
As mentioned, one of the “charms” of high-level gaslighters is that they seem emotionally intelligent. You may feel as though they're in touch with your feelings and supportive.However, know that they use that information strategically and for their benefit. “They’ll validate you just enough to build trust, then later use your words or vulnerabilities to deflect blame or gain control,” Dr. Kelley says. Dr. Cohen makes a similar point about how high-level gaslighters often exploit the fact that you’re a caring person. “They use your values, like compassion or loyalty, against you,” he says. They may say something like, “You’re supposed to be understanding, not accusing me,” when you try to set boundaries or discuss a concern.What makes phrases like that work, he continues, is that it leads you to doubt yourself. The gaslighter presents you as the “bad guy” for something as normal as having an emotion or a question. Sensitive people and empaths are particularly vulnerable to high-level gaslighters, Dr. Kelley adds, because they're more likely to doubt themselves and lean toward compassion.Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. Having selective amnesia
Have you ever brought up a time they said something hurtful, and they swear it didn’t happen? That can be another sign.“They conveniently ‘forget’ critical events or conversations, especially the ones that prove your version of reality,” Dr. Cohen says. “Over time, you question your memory, become hesitant to trust your gut and depend more on them for ‘truth.’”Sometimes, people genuinely remember things differently. The difference is, they aren’t trying to manipulate you or make you question your sanity by saying so.
It’s easier to point out an outright lie (even though a high-level gaslighter may deny that too). But another piece that makes their gaslighting high-level (and therefore harder to notice) is the fact that they frequently don’t go for a complete lie. Instead, they twist the story just enough to confuse. Dr. Kelley calls it “strategic misdirection.”“They may say things that are vague, contradictory or half-true, so if you confront them, it’s easy for them to flip it back on you,” she says. “It keeps you in a mental fog, constantly trying to decode what’s real.”Phrases they may use, she continues, are “That’s not what I said” and “You misunderstood me.” And again, what makes that so confusing is that misunderstandings do happen and aren’t always manipulative. With a gaslighter, though, trust that they are.Related: 10 Manipulative Tactics Straight Out of a Gaslighter’s Playbook, According to Psychologists
4. Employing triangulation through charm
When you’re doubting yourself, your perceptions and your reality, you may turn to a loved one or other person who was there. Did what you think happened really happen? Be aware that their perception may not be accurate either. High-level gaslighters “cultivate strong, positive impressions with others (bosses, friends, therapists) so that if you confront them, they can subtly frame you as unstable or overreactive to others,” Dr. Cohen says. In other words, your coworkers or friends might not see the gaslighter’s bad side, so they feed you the same (wrong) information.
This is a form of triangulation, or bringing a third person into the conflict or to complicate things.“It isolates the target and discredits them while the gaslighter maintains credibility,” Dr. Cohen adds. As a result, you may feel—or worry you’re seen as—even more “crazy.” This gives the gaslighter more power.Dr. Kelley shares a major sign. “They might make small comments to others about you, hint at your instability or share selective versions of events, all while playing the role of the ‘reasonable’ one,” she says. “Over time, you may feel more and more alone, unsure of who you can trust. That isolation is exactly what makes their version of reality too hard to challenge.”Related: 9 Red Flags of Workplace Manipulation and How to Respond, According to Psychologists
Take notes on what’s happening, even if and when you don’t trust your judgment.“Keeping a written or digital log of conversations, events or patterns creates an objective record you can refer back to,” Dr. Cohen explains. “Be specific with dates and times and verbatim quotes. This counters their manipulation of facts and helps you reclaim your sense of reality.”Besides writing what was said, note how it makes you feel and what your body is telling you. “The patterns start to reveal themselves when you see it in writing,” Dr. Kelley says.Also, even if it doesn’t feel true now, it may feel true later.Remember, the keyword is “privately.” Where can you put these notes so the other person won’t see them?Related: 10 Phrases To Begin a Workplace Complaint, According to DEI & HR Expert Natalie E. Norfus
Reconnect with your intuition
After your reality has been denied, it’s understandable and common to distrust your intuition.“Gaslighting disconnects you from your internal compass,” Dr. Kelley affirms. Try to get that back. Journaling and paying attention to how your body feels, as mentioned above, are helpful ways to do this.
Whether you’re setting a boundary around how they talk to you, physical space or something different, know you’re allowed to, no questions asked.In fact, not explaining may turn out in your favor. “High-level gaslighters often twist your reasoning,” Dr. Cohen says. “By setting firm, concise boundaries without overexplaining, you reduce their opportunities to manipulate your words.” If they ask for an explanation or justification, he suggests saying something like “I’m not available for that conversation right now” or “I’ve made my decision.” This can help you avoid getting pulled into a debate (that’s impossible to win).Related: Do Manipulators Know What They're Doing? A Psychologist Shares the Truth
Remind yourself that you don’t need to catch them in a lie
When someone is lying or has lied for a while, it can feel empowering to call them out. But remember, that won’t be as healing as it may seem, nor is it necessary. “If the relationship leaves you feeling confused, anxious or constantly self-doubting, that’s enough,” Dr. Kelley says. “Emotional safety is reason enough to set boundaries or walk away.”Related: 13 Genius Tricks To Catch a Liar in the Act, According to Psychologists
Seek support from neutral third parties and trusted loved ones
When you feel “crazy,” having someone to back you up and provide validation and perspective can mean so much. “Whether it’s a friend, therapist or support group, being heard and believed can be a turning point,” Dr. Kelley says. “A validating conversation can re-anchor you in what’s true.”Dr. Cohen speaks to the specific ways a therapist can help. “A professional, in particular, can help you name what’s happening and develop grounded strategies to protect yourself emotionally and psychologically,” he says. “Create your own group of trusted advisors to check your reality and offer helpful support and practical guidance.”
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Related: 14 Genius Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting, According to Psychologists
Sources:
Dr. Harry Cohen, PhD, psychologist and authorDr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, trauma-informed therapist, researcher, podcaster and author Read More Details
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