After seeing the bizarre high level of support for the Cascadia project, which is a total boondoggle and a waste of a massive amount of your money ($1.1 billion in tax money, the largest single expense the city of Greeley has ever taken on, and it’s not one that will be up for public vote), I’ve decided that I should pitch my special project. Because, hey, if the City Council is cutting checks for half-thought-out ideas that have already been rejected by Larimer County, I want to get in on that sweet, underhanded action.
Citizens of Greeley, I want to start by asking you this: What’s the one thing people all do?
Die, right?
And, citizens, what is the one thing that, between birth and death, we can all agree on?
Pizza is delicious.
This is why I’m proposing the city authorize funds in the amount of $500 million (half of what Cascadia could cost) for me to open the world’s first Ashes to Ashes, Crust to Crust funeral/pizza parlor.
In this state-of-the-art facility, ovens used to cremate our dearly departed can also be used to cook incredible, authentic pizzas.
On the food side, we’ll have pizzas like The Grimaldi Reaper, our take on a Brooklyn classic, or our soon-to-be-famous Pepperoni Styx with a side of Hidden Valley of the Shadow of Death Ranch. We’ll offer our Macobb Salad, and for the carnivores among us, the Your Funeral, our version of a meat lover’s pizza.
On the crematory side, we’ll have Standard Cremations, Deluxe Cremations (cremation plus a side of Pepperoni Styx), and even a Build Your Own Cremation where you can pick a suite of pizzas and sides.
Where the real magic happens is in the combination of our services. No longer does that rat, Charles Entertainment Cheese, control the entire market of pizza-centric family events. And, with our Spice of Life package, you can have your remains lightly sprinkled into our special spice blend, which we’ll happily top your pizza with, and we’ll send you home with several shakers of it so that you can use it whenever you order pizza (hopefully from us, but, hey, we understand, sometimes you just need something that’s hot ’n’ ready).
Now, at this point, if you can hear yourself think over your stomach rumbling with either hunger or revulsion, you might be wondering, “Pete, this sounds like … an idea, but why should the taxpayers of Greeley bankroll this? Shouldn’t you pay for your own business?”
Or, maybe you’re thinking, “Pete, what if the business fails? It sounds like a business that is very likely to fail. Are we still on the hook for the half a million?”
Or, perhaps you’re thinking, “Pete, surely this is something we should have an individual voice in, right? Like, this couldn’t possibly be something that the City Council members would just vote on, ignoring completely the financial priorities Greeley citizens identified in a 2024 survey.”
Or, maybe (you’re having a lot of thoughts) you’re thinking, “Pete, I noticed on that same 2024 survey that the fourth biggest concern people had was that leadership does not listen to the people. What if the City Council voted yes to Ashes to Ashes, Crust to Crust (AACC for short, you’re welcome), even though the majority of citizens didn’t want to bankroll this?”
Maybe you’re thinking, “Pete, if you think this is such a good idea, why don’t you get your rich buddies to bankroll it instead of taking our tax money against our will?”
The answer to all of this? Hey, shut up.
Peter Derk is a Greeley residentt.
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