Dear Eric:
My brother and I were estranged for many years at his insistence. We were able to reconcile after our father’s death when I gave him a larger portion of the estate than my father had willed to him.
My brother has some health issues which he picks and chooses to take the advice of his doctors. During Covid he became sick and had to be convinced to go to the hospital, which I arranged. Later, he had a procedure after which he bled out in his apartment and had to be hospitalized again. I arranged for someone to clean his apartment. He lived in the metropolitan area and moved because of financial constraints. He doesn’t like the doctors he has access to, so he asked if I would host him for a week so he could see his doctors where he used to live.
Everything went well except for the condition of my only bathroom. He is elderly, does not see well, and doesn’t think cleaning is necessary. There was body waste around the toilet and floor leading to the toilet. The bed in which he slept was also soiled. I am elderly with health issues as well.
I cleaned up after him during his stay with me. I’ve had back surgery, so cleaning is difficult for me now. I feel bad for not wanting him to visit me in the future. He cannot afford to rent a hotel or offer to have someone clean the bathroom. I feel obligated to help him, but I feel it’s too much for me now.
Am I selfish not to want him to stay in my home if he wants to visit his doctors again? I don’t want to jeopardize our re-established relationship. How do I navigate this situation?
– Conflicted Sibling
Dear Sibling:
It’s not selfish; it’s healthy. I worry that your brother takes your help for granted – to wit, you gave him more than you needed to after your father’s death and he spent it all. It’s not unfair to ask an adult to take responsibility for their actions.
But it seems that cleaning up after your brother – financially, logistically and otherwise – is a longstanding pattern. Perhaps you feel guilty about the estrangement. Perhaps you’ve always found yourself filling in the gaps for him. It’s something you should think about and talk about with a therapist. What are you trying to fix and is that something that’s within your power to fix?
Your brother lives life by a different standard than you do; sometimes we have to let people live the way they want to live, even if we want better for them. Please think about what boundaries and rules you can set up for yourself and for him, should he visit again. This may cause conflict but know that that is not yours to clean up either. If he’d be willing to sever contact over being asked to wash soiled sheets, that’s a sign he’s not engaging in an actual relationship with you in the first place.
Dear Eric:
First, I want to say that I like my mother-in-law. She is kind and always
willing to help us out.
One thing that drives me absolutely crazy is that she never believes anything I tell her. I could be reading directly from whatever we are discussing, and she will just smirk at me. but, if her son tells her the same thing, she believes it.
This makes me not want to converse at all with her. Any suggestions besides just avoiding her?
– Frustrated Daughter-in-law
Dear Frustrated:
Call her on it. It can be gentle; it can be joking, if you’d like. Flag it when she does it and ask her why. She may have an answer; she may not believe you about this either. But eventually she’ll get tired of having it pointed out.
Dear Eric: Like “Grieving the Future”, I am facing an old age without grandchildren, as both of my sons have decided to not have kids.
Not only have I fostered relationships with my neighbors and their children, but I’ve also looked into a few different foster grandparent programs for when I retire and have more time. In my area, Volunteers of America and AmeriCorps both have programs matching older people with kids who could use a role model/grandparent figure. My partner and I are very excited to make this part of our retirement plans. Maybe there are similar programs near Grieving the Future!
– Looking Forward
Dear Looking Forward
: These are wonderful suggestions for the letter writer, or anyone with the capacity to be there for a child who needs them. Your letter is a great reminder that families come in so many different shapes and there are innumerable ways to put love in the world.
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(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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