Her phone had died, so she picked up his to look up something for work. Then she noticed a chat titled “Relationship Issues and Uncertainty.” Inside, she says, were complaints about her appearance, doubts about his attraction to her, and a sentence she still remembers verbatim: “I’m just not proud of her.”
When she first saw the chat title, Hall figured it was about a familiar disagreement: She loved her three cats; he wasn’t an animal person. “This is probably about the cats,” she remembers thinking. She hadn’t expected a list of complaints about her. “Nothing was positive,” she says. “Not one thing.”
Couples have long had ways to discover things they weren’t supposed to know about each other: rifling through a journal, stealing a glance at incoming texts, poking around in Instagram or Snapchat DMs. Now, there’s another place to look—and plenty to wish you hadn’t seen. Therapists say they’re working with couples who have discovered their partners asking AI whether they should break up, sharing sexual fantasies, or contemplating how to bring up something they were too nervous to say out loud.
When Ilana Grines, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, works with couples, her first question is now: “What have you told AI?” She wants to know if and how both people are using it, what they’re sharing, and whether they’ve discussed any of that with each other. Most haven’t, she says.
One couple Grines worked with paid for a single AI subscription. The wife, a teacher, used it to grade papers. Her husband used it to explore sexual fantasies, apparently without realizing that conversations from his computer would be visible through their shared account, Grines says. His wife discovered the topic in the platform’s sidebar.
Sometimes, one partner doesn’t even know that space exists. They might be aware their partner asks AI for help with work or vacation planning—not that they’re also discussing their sex life or wondering whether to stay together. Hall used chatbots herself, but discussing her relationship with one hadn’t occurred to her. “I just didn’t think of it as a tool for that,” she says.
Derrick has seen couples finally talk through a problem—only to start fighting when one person admits they used AI to figure out what to say. The other person’s reaction, as she describes it: “You had to go to chat for us to do that?”
What AI chats can reveal about relationships
Giulia P. Davis, a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Francisco, recalls working with a couple after one partner read the other’s AI chats without permission and found complaints and doubts about their relationship. The person who wrote them was still sorting out how they felt. Their partner assumed they’d already made up their mind.
Davis helped them distinguish “what you really think” from “what you might think about.” Someone might complain to a chatbot after a fight or ask what would happen if they broke up, for example, but not feel that way once they’ve cooled down.
A chatbot also does something a journal doesn’t: It answers. But remember that it’s getting only one side of the story, says Shayce Johnston, a licensed mental health counselor in Gainesville, Fla., and the founder of Human AI Dynamics, which explores how people form emotional and relational bonds with AI. If your partner complains about you and the chatbot agrees, they may feel that someone else has confirmed you’re in the wrong. Johnston describes the reaction this way: “Even the AI agrees with me.” That doesn’t make it true.
“What parts are private?” Nelson asks. Keeping a password to yourself, for example, doesn’t automatically mean you’re concealing something that would hurt your partner. “I really do think that it’s important to revisit that conversation pretty often,” she says.
Grines suggests starting with a question: “Can you share something you’ve asked AI about our relationship?” You can also ask whether there are subjects they find easier to discuss with a chatbot than with you. The answers can help you get specific about what you’re both comfortable with: using AI to prepare for a difficult conversation, for example, or talking through an argument afterward. Discuss whether those exchanges will stay private or whether you’d like to share what came out of them.
As Davis puts it: “What gets in the way of asking your partner directly?”
What to do after reading your partner’s AI chats
Johnston wants couples to stop treating the chat history as a verdict on their relationship. Instead, she helps them understand “what the need was, what the fear is, and where the disconnection was that led to the conversation in the first place.” That means making room for both people’s feelings: You can be hurt by what your partner wrote, and they can be upset that you read it without permission.
“I don’t think AI is inherently anti-relationship,” Grines says. But she wants couples to consider whether it’s helping them talk to each other—or becoming the only place they’re willing to be honest. “AI can be a bridge into communication,” she says, “or it can be a place where communication goes to die.”
His chat history offered a possible explanation. When they’d discussed serious or emotional subjects, she says, he’d pasted her messages into ChatGPT and asked it to help him respond. She remembers his instruction: “Placate her.”
She still wonders whether he would have spoken so harshly about her to another person, or whether something about talking to AI encouraged him. “Would you have said all those things to a person in that way?” she asks.
After she left his house, he began texting her. She turned off her phone. When he later came to her home, she told him she’d read the chats. By then, she says, she felt there was little left to discuss: “I just read exactly how you feel.”
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