Navy Captain Sean Barbabella, who is physician to President Trump, pronounced five months ago that Trump is “fully fit to carry out all duties of the Commander-in-Chief and Head of State.” Barbabella said much the same after Trump’s chest and belly underwent a CT scan the previous October. But no presidential physician has ever dared state otherwise. Rear Admiral Cary Grayson said Woodrow Wilson’s stroke in 1919 was merely a bout of “nervous exhaustion.” Dr. Janet Travell lied her head off to cover up John F. Kennedy’s Addison’s disease. Even the autopsy report sent to the Warren Commission omitted that Kennedy’s adrenal glands were only barely still present, presumably because these pathologists didn’t want to acknowledge the undisclosed cause.
Diagnosing any patient from afar is a tricky business, especially when the diagnostician (me) never attended medical school. It is also perhaps unkind. But to any who would criticize the following inventory as cruel, let me remind you that, 22 months into his presidency, Trump still habitually blames “Sleepy Joe Biden” or “Slow Joe” for everything that goes wrong. Other countries, Trump said last October, “looked at him falling down stairs every day, every day the guy’s falling down stairs.” In January, Trump told The New York Times: “I think Joe Biden is the worst thing that ever happened to old people.” When Biden disclosed that he had Stage 4 prostate cancer, Trump said: “If you feel sorry for him, don’t feel so sorry, because he’s vicious.”
It’s dyed. Natural hair doesn’t change color except to turn gray or white, and nobody would wear a toupee this bad. Trump’s hair is sometimes blonde, sometimes orange, and sometimes a little pink, though that may just be Trump’s angry-red scalp peeking through an ever less convincing comb-over. Male-pattern baldness has reportedly stalked Trump for decades. According to Harry Hurt III’s book Lost Tycoon, Trump had scalp reduction surgery in the 1980s and it didn’t go well. Jeffrey Epstein confirmed Trump had the procedure, but Trump has denied it.
Face
Clearly Trump sprays or slathers something on it. The consensus is that it’s some self-tanning product like Man Tan. That would also explain the white circles frequently seen around his eyes. Wearing goggles under a tanning bed would do that too, but Trump’s former press secretary Stephanie Grisham wrote in her 2021 book, I’ll Take Your Questions Now, that, at least during Trump’s first term, the White House was tanning bed–free. Grisham writes, “The president’s look was created with makeup that he put on his face every morning,” and that before one public appearance, Trump borrowed her face powder. Grisham refers in the book to an “arsenal of products” that an aide traveling with Trump would carry, but she doesn’t enumerate what they were.
Right ear
This is the most famous presidential body part; it’s Trump’s battle scar from the attempt on his life in Meridian, Pennsylvania, in July 2024. The bullet created a two-centimeter wound, according to the former White House presidential physician Ronny Jackson, who by then was a Republican House member from Texas. There’s apparently a scar on Trump’s ear now, but in September 2024 Trump showed it to New York magazine’s Olivia Nuzzi and she said she couldn’t see it. Nuzzi, however, has come to be regarded as a potentially problematic source.
Can you indulge me one pet peeve? The word is preventive. More substantively, Barbabella left unanswered the following questions: 1) What was it that the offending cream was intended to prevent? 2) If the cream was causing that angry rash, why was it still being applied?
Heart
Yes, he has one. So far as we know it’s in decent shape; we don’t know why Trump’s doctors last year felt it necessary to do a CT scan of it. Trump takes two drugs, rosuvastatin and ezetimibe, to manage his cholesterol, which as a result is within normal range. Trump takes Bayer aspirin daily to reduce the risk of a heart attack. But for some bizarre reason his favored dose is 325 milligrams, which his doctors have repeatedly told him is about four times too much. A dose that high increases Trump’s risk of gastrointestinal bleeding. Trump’s doctors want him to drop down to 81 milligrams, but he refuses to do that. Is our teetotaling commander in chief an aspirin junkie, like the murderer Perry Smith in In Cold Blood? We can’t rule it out. Aspirin-use disorder is, according to one 2019 study, “an underreported condition.”
Since you were about to ask: Yes, as of February 2024, “Sleepy” Joe Biden’s BMI was 23.1, classifying him as “healthy.”
Backside
Our main source on the Trump diaper rumor is Noel Casler, a stand-up comedian who says he worked six seasons for The Apprentice, the reality-TV show Trump starred in from 2004 to 2015. (Starting in 2008, it was called The Celebrity Apprentice.) Like everything else in Casler’s story, Casler’s work for The Apprentice is unverified. In 2020, Casler said Trump’s “incontinence stems from his decades of stimulant abuse and fast-food diet.” Casler went on to explain that the stimulant in question was Adderall: “He snorts Adderall as his maintenance high. When he gets too wired, this is tempered with benzodiazepines.” Around the time Casler added that Trump “sent his secretaries to the CVS on 57th Street to pick up his scripts for ... herpes treatment,” I concluded the man was a teller of tall tales who just doesn’t like Trump.
The following year, Kinzinger said on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, “If you take, like, armpits, ketchup, makeup and a little butt, it’s probably like that, all mixed up.… A little bit of a pungent odor, I would say.” If Kinzinger was telling the truth, this might simply be an unusually bad case of flatulence. But if so, then, why is Trump’s posture sometimes peculiar, and what’s with the strange bulge sometimes seen in his pants? I can’t say.
Legs, ankles
I mentioned already Trump’s awkward posture, and how that may (emphasize may) mean he’s a nappies guy. The official diagnosis is chronic venous insufficiency, which is not life-threatening. The unofficial speculation is that, like Woodrow Wilson, Trump may have suffered an unreported stroke. Professor Bruce Davidson of Washington State University’s medical school told Sidney Blumenthal and Sean Wilentz, on their podcast The Court of History, that he thinks Trump had a stroke perhaps six months ago and that it was “on the left side of the brain, which controls the right side of the body.” There’s also been speculation that Trump is wearing some sort of leg brace, based on footage that appears to show something under his left trouser leg.
But let me close by conceding, once again, that I am not a doctor. I’m just a guy poking some tweezers into the body politic.
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