Yet before you send a cancellation text, consider a smaller proposition: Could dinner become a 20-minute walk? Could your friend come over for takeout? Could you catch up in the clothes you’re already wearing, without making “getting ready” a production?
“Let’s identify what’s hard about this and solve that problem so we can still get the connection we need,” she says. “The goal is just to get together.”
Having time to see someone isn’t the same as having the energy. That distinction is central to a model of social relationships co-developed by Katherine Fiori, a professor and associate dean for foundational psychology and faculty involvement at Adelphi University in Garden City, N.Y. The model considers time and energy separate resources people invest in their connections.
Making a plan less demanding can help you follow through on a night when you’d otherwise cancel. When you bail on something that feels overwhelming, the immediate relief can reinforce the habit, says Shannon Sauer-Zavala, a professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky. The next time you feel stretched thin, you’ll be more inclined to do it again.
A manageable get-together gives you a chance to find out you’re up for more than you thought. And sometimes, Fiori says, the connection supplies some of the energy you thought you were missing: “You can actually get some of that energy back, in a way.”
Figure out what makes social plans feel overwhelming
If that sounds lovely, the problem may be the logistics surrounding the visit. “Is it the commute to get there? Is it the cost? Is it the cleaning and cooking you would have to do if you were hosting?” she says. “Is it how long the event is?”
There are also ways to fit time with friends into things you already need to do. Fiori likes the idea of “admin nights,” when people gather with their laptops to tackle the tasks they’ve been putting off. Normally, those chores eat into the time and energy available for socializing. “To be able to combine those is kind of brilliant,” she says. You can pay bills or unsubscribe from emails with someone beside you to talk and joke with, making an otherwise tedious evening more pleasant.
Asking to change plans can feel awkward, especially if you’re worried your friend will interpret it as rejection. Rundle recommends starting by saying how much you want to spend time together, then explaining what would make that possible.
Or: “I’m excited to catch up. Could we make it a quick walk? I need an early night.”
Make getting together easier from the start
If everyone were to wait for a clean house and the energy to make a cheese board, they might never host again. Rundle suggests being the friend who makes it clear that neither is required. “Come as you are, come in sweatpants,” she says. You can order pizza and leave the mess where it is.
Of course, sometimes canceling is the right call. If you’re sick or genuinely need rest, give yourself that time, Rundle says—and take the initiative to reconnect when you’re able. If even the easiest version of a visit fills you with dread, consider how you tend to feel around that person. Consistently leaving feeling judged or depleted warrants a closer look at the relationship.
But when you want the company and can’t face the production, try making the plan smaller. “It doesn’t have to be some version of perfect,” Rundle says. “It should just be staying in each other’s lives and connecting in those moments.”
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