My older, successful brother gets all the praise. He is a leading cancer doctor and has made a real difference to the world. I’m proud of him, we get on well, but when I compare myself I feel like I’m in a lower league.
I also work in health, as a paramedic, and my parents call me the “un-academic” one. They also over-compensate and say how proud they are of me, which feels weirdly patronising because I’m now in my fifties.
It brings back these memories of childhood when my brother and I were constantly compared. Will the shadows of our childhood ever fade?
Yours, William G
I don’t think many of us completely erase the shadows nor positive memories of our childhood – both inform our present. But I do believe that we can make sure that the power they hold and the emotions they trigger fade with time.
The most effective way of doing this is by inviting your adult self to chat about them. Rather than reacting to comments, when you might find yourself regressing and experiencing childhood emotions – approach the situation as you now, a man in his fifties.
You have a career helping others at their most vulnerable and I can tell you that objectively you are making a real difference to people’s lives day in, day out. That there is no hierarchy when it comes to saving lives – most of us are in awe of doctors, paramedics, nurses and certainly don’t have them on a sliding scale of worth. If you’ve saved a life, you’re a hero.
But even if you didn’t go round saving lives, we’re all worthwhile and deserve our families to feel proud of us. We can bring joy and kindness to others in so many ways. I’m aware all these reassurances may mean nothing to you as you may well have been seeing the world through “less than” lenses since you were a young boy.
I wonder whether your parents are extremely proud and you struggle to hear it, or whether they are over-compensating and this is why they’ve described you as “un-academic”. It’s a question I’d invite you to ask them, explaining that sometimes your pride in your brother leaves you feeling in his shadow. If you ask them why they’re proud of you, it might help you understand whether this is genuine or whether it is coming from a sense that they need to bolster you up. This isn’t to put things straight, but simply to put you in charge of your own life.
I recommend you also chat to your brother about your roles growing up. I found a huge weight lift when I tried this. I said to my brother: “I’m bored of being the eldest, can you take over?” It led to us chatting about the roles we’ve carried, feelings of inequality and an unburdening. Parents might compare siblings but as adults we can choose to step out of that.
While you’re wrapped up in comparisons with your brother, or carry a sense of competition between the two of you, you’re keeping those childhood insecurities burning.
I want to be really clear, the fact you’re grappling with these feelings is in no way your fault. While parents might love all their children the same, sometimes they do have favourites, whether it’s just having more in common with one child or feeling more of a connection or even being able to experience their unlived dreams through one child. This, unsurprisingly, leaves us with a heavy inheritance.
It might take practice to focus on the world through your own values when you’re around your family. One way to practice this is to articulate to your parents why you’re proud of them, why you’re proud of your brother and importantly, why you’re proud of yourself.
It is worth persisting and the more they see how comfortable you are with yourself, the more those shadows of childhood will cease to matter.
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