Since toddlers are still learning how to regulate and express their emotions, it’s completely natural for them to throw tantrums when things don’t go their way. However, knowing that still does not make dealing with outbursts any easier. In fact, dealing with a child’s fit is often incredibly stressful—especially if you’re in public.
That being said, there are ways to make calming a child down from a conniption a bit easier. But unfortunately, parents and caregivers make mistakes in this realm all too often.
To learn more, we consulted with two psychologists, both experienced in working with families: Dr. Sandra Wartski, PsyD, a licensed psychologist with Silber Psychological Services in North Carolina, and Dr. Amanda Whitehouse, PhD, a licensed psychologist in private practice in Upstate New York.
As Dr. Whitehouse explains to Parade, “Tantrums are not usually an emergency, but they can feel that way to parents because they are noisy, intense, potentially embarrassing, sometimes even dangerous and create a feeling of loss of control in parents,” making reacting appropriately challenging for many adults.
Below, these two child psychologists explain the key mistake parents often make during tantrums, as well as better ways to react to outbursts. Keep reading for their insights.
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Child Psychologists Say Parents Often Make This Mistake During Tantrums
The biggest mistake that Dr. Wartski and Dr. Whitehouse say parents make during tantrums is giving in to a child’s demands to stop the tantrum.
“Giving in to a child having a tantrum is a common and understandable move,” Dr. Wartski shares.
When a child throws a fit, it’s a natural urge for their parent to capitulate to what their child is demanding, as they know this will end the distress. However, this “can lead to bad habits in the long run,” she states.
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Why is it bad to cave in to a child’s demands to stop a tantrum?
“A child crying for a toy in the supermarket checkout lane or melting down because they want more TV time before bedtime is uncomfortable to manage; however, giving the child what they want inadvertently reinforces crying or tantrums as a means of getting one’s way,” Dr. Wartski explains.
Dr. Whitehouse adds that while most parents are aware that giving in can “reinforce undesired behaviors,” they are “less aware of their own emotional and physiological responses to those undesired behaviors.”
The stress of seeing your child having a tantrum often “activates our nervous systems and creates a fight/flight response, leading us to do whatever it takes to stop the behavior as soon as possible,” which is often giving in to what the child is demanding, she continues.
“This is a very human response that parents may feel shame or frustration about after the fact, but usually have very little awareness or control of in the moment,” Dr. Whitehouse states.
That said, if you do give in to your child’s demands during a tantrum, don’t be so hard on yourself afterwards.
“[Parents] shaming themselves for the natural and physiological desire to comfort their children only heightens the nervous system’s sense of panic,” she explains. “The goal isn’t to make everyone’s difficult emotions go away; it is to teach our children that tough feelings are natural, we can get through them and we will support them in learning how to do that over time.”
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How to resist giving in to children’s tantrums
“Sometimes it can be helpful to think about other scenarios where crying would not get them their way,” suggests Dr. Wartski.
For example, if you were insisting your child wear a bicycle helmet before riding their bike or buckling their seat belt in the car. In these scenarios, no matter how dramatically a child refuses to comply, no parent would give in, as it would put the child in serious danger. Consider how you might react in these instances when your children have tantrums over more trivial matters.
“The resistance may not be pleasant, but the expectations are clearly established, and so there is no room for negotiation on certain expectations,” the child psychologist explains.
How to prevent tantrums
Dr. Wartski states that one of the most effective ways to prevent tantrums is to establish routines around common activities, such as bedtime, meals and outings. Doing this “helps children know what to expect and prevents them from being in the unhelpful position of continually guessing whether they can change the set boundary.”
Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Start Using This One Confidence-Boosting Phrase
3 Other Common Mistakes Parents Make During Tantrums
1. Trying to reason with your child
“Parents attempting to reason with a child having a tantrum are likely to find themselves in a spiral of escalating frustration,” Dr. Wartski states
“When a child is dysregulated, they are likely responding from the more emotional part of the brain rather than the settled, grounded, logical part,” she explains. “Parents would find more effectiveness in setting the limit to keep the child safe in the moment.”
And then, if your child is old enough to understand reason and logic, once they’ve calmed down, “there can be discussion about why the limits exist or how to more effectively prevent such meltdowns in the future.”
“Communication and reasoning skills are decreased during a tantrum, so attempting to explain to the child might make things worse,” adds Dr. Whitehouse.
2. Yelling
“A child who is tantruming can be frustrating, embarrassing and confusing, and this can lead many parents to become angry and demanding,” says Dr. Wartski.
However, this urge should be avoided, as “resorting to yelling, intensified demands or escalated anger in such situations often can make the situation worse rather than better,” she shares.
“Attempting to over-control children with threats, shame or fear might seem to work in the short-term because sometimes children seem to settle down or suppress their emotions,” she explains. “However, there can often be other negative results in the long-term [such as] an eroded relationship between parent and child.”
3. Choosing between boundaries and connection
“Many parents believe that validating a child’s emotion is giving in to them, or that we have to make our children’s distress go away in order to be good parents,” notes Dr. Whitehouse.
However, it’s possible to set a firm boundary while remaining kind and connected to your child.
“We can warmly and compassionately let our children know that we see and understand their big feelings, even if what they may or may not do in that moment does not change,” she shares. “This models self-regulation and coping skills, which they learn from us gradually over time, so every tantrum is another opportunity to teach them!”
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How Parents Should Respond to Their Child’s Tantrums
1. Calm yourself down first
“One of the most important first steps is for parents to calm themselves, whether through breathing, a brief break or any number of other self-calming tools that can be used in the moment,” advises Dr. Wartski. “Tantrums can be overwhelming for a parent’s nervous system, leading to reactions such as agitation or anger. While these reactions are not uncommon, parenting from a dysregulated place does not help parents make sound, sensible decisions.”
2. Co-regulate with your child
Co-regulation involves helping your child’s nervous system calm down by calming down yourself first.
“When we slow and soften our voices, remain as close as the child is comfortable with and offer them (not force) loving physical touch (hugs, holding hands); our calm state tells them that they are safe and helps them to be more regulated,” explains Dr. Whitehouse. “This requires a high level of self-control on behalf of the parent, which you can develop by practicing the self-regulation strategies you already know about, like breathing exercises and grounding techniques.”
3. Validate your child
“Validation is another critical step for parents to incorporate regularly into working with their children, especially during times of upset or distress,” Dr. Wartski explains. “Validating a child doesn’t mean a parent is reinforcing the tantrum; rather, it’s geared toward helping the child know that their emotions are understood.”
You can do this by using statements such as “I can tell you are really disappointed that we have to leave the park now” or “It makes sense that you would want that cool, shiny fire truck we saw at the store.”
“[These phrases] help a child to know their needs are noticed rather than ignored, ridiculed, or diminished,” Dr. Wartski states.
Dr. Whitehouse agrees, suggesting emotionally validating phrases like “You’re really disappointed that we have to leave” allow parents to still be “comforting and loving toward their children without giving in to something they already said ‘no’ to.”
She adds that this can help “the child feel that the parent recognizes what is important or urgent to the child, creating a sense of closeness instead of opposition and signaling safety which soothes both the child’s and the parent’s nervous systems.”
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Sources:
Dr. Sandra Wartski, PsyD, is a licensed psychologist with Silber Psychological Services. Dr. Amanda Whitehouse, PhD, is a licensed psychologist in private practice.Hence then, the article about the 1 mistake child psychologists see parents make during tantrums was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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