I’m 53 and don’t want to be treated like a little boy any more, but my mother is always telling me I’m her favourite child and being extremely needy.
My siblings felt jealous while we were growing up that I got so much attention, now they’re relieved that they don’t have to deal with our mother’s constant neediness.
Our father died when we were young and I do feel guilty that my mum has had a hard life. But I want to change things now. How can I?
Not to mention my wife feels like I betray her when I’m around my mother by prioritising her. It doesn’t make things any easier. What can I do?
JP, Blackburn
Dear JP,
What a lot of guilt and responsibility you have been carrying from a very young age. You’re asking what you can do to change things but this is more a question of what you can undo.
You and your siblings experienced your dad’s death: this is a tragedy in which your whole family shared. It wasn’t your fault and it sounds as if the level of responsibility you carried was an attempt by you, as a young boy, to step into those adult shoes left empty. I feel huge compassion for that young boy.
I’d encourage you to start seeing the world through a different lens. It is so understandable that you grew up feeling guilty for your mother as she lost her husband, but this isn’t a guilt you need to carry. Nor are her problems something that you need to fix alone.
I would recommend that you communicate with your siblings and ask for their help in undoing the reliance your mum has on you. I’d suggest that as a family you start to change gear and that they help you support your mum so you have more space to not be in the familiar tug between your mother and your wife.
I would talk to your mother, too. I’d use descriptive praise to tell her what a good job she did when you were growing up, and also make it clear that as an adult you also want and need to take care of your own immediate family. I’d reassure your mother that she didn’t do anything wrong: this relationship pattern is how you all survived as you were growing up. Explain that you want to live beyond the trauma you all went through. This isn’t unkind, it’s simply starting to put in boundaries, which may feel much easier said than done. But it is as you start to put in those boundaries that your mother will start to treat you as a man, not a boy.
It is hard to reverse a habit of a lifetime and you can help her with this. The next time she asks for your help, start suggesting that she turns to your siblings: “Paul is better with tech, let’s ask him”, “Louise is good at navigating tricky social situations, let’s ask for her advice”. This may cause confusion and upset at first as these are long-ingrained patterns. It is worth remembering that if something feels uncomfortable, it can be because we are not used to it rather than a sign that it is wrong in any way. If your mother reiterates that you are her favourite child, you can thank her and say you want to make space for your siblings, too.
I’d also encourage your mum to build ties and friendships in her community, perhaps by doing voluntary work. She may also benefit from counselling. Having needs and being needy are very different things. We all have needs of safety, love and health, whereas neediness can be a bottomless pit where we let others look after our own needs rather than taking responsibility.
I applaud your wife for saying she feels betrayed by you prioritising your mother. You don’t mention whether you have children, but if you do I think it’s important they see you prioritising your partner over your mum. I would chat to your wife and acknowledge how this must have felt to her over the years and explain your intentions now.
If you’ve spent much of your life rushing to fix things for your mum, it’s worth looking around and seeing if you do this in other relationships, including with your wife. Yet, in reality, not everyone we love wants us to fix things: sometimes they want a hug or to be heard and understood instead. I’d also recommend that you connect with your own needs, which I imagine you might have overlooked when you were growing up.
This might be the time of life where you learn a new way of living.
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