The bond between a child and grandparent can be so special. Not only can children benefit immensely from being close with their grandparents, but getting to help take care of their children’s children can give grandparents a renewed purpose in their golden years.
That said, unless a grandparent is a child’s main guardian, it’s vital to respect the rules set by the child’s parents or primary caregiver. When a grandparent violates this trust, it can lead to serious issues and even wind up complicating relationships between the child’s parents and their parents and/or parents-in-law.
To learn more, we turned to Dr. Lisa Strohman, a clinical psychologist who works with adolescents, adults and families. She is also the founder of Digital Citizen Academy, a nonprofit that educates families on healthy use of technology—which is a major factor in common conflicts between parents and grandparents.
Below, she explains why grandparents and parents often butt heads about parenting issues in the modern day, five things grandparents should never do without asking permission and three ways parents can set healthy boundaries with their child’s grandparents. Keep reading for her insight.
Related: We Asked 4 Child Psychologists What They Wish More Grandparents Prioritized—They All Said the Same Thing
The Generational Shift: Why Grandparents and Parents Are Clashing
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“Most often, parents are looking to have consistency and control of their parenting, and grandparents want to dote on their grandkids and lean into their own style of parenting as habit,” Dr. Strohman explains to Parade. She adds that this dynamic “can cause some disconnect and issues” between the parents and grandparents.
“The psychology of a new parent is that they are learning and trying to do their best, but they are also still trying to impress their parents,” she states. Plus, new parents often want their parents (the grandparents) to “be proud of them and… approve of what they are doing as parents.”
However, it’s rare that a child’s parents and grandparents will agree on every child-rearing issue. As Dr. Strohman shares, these two generations have raised kids in two worlds that are very different, largely due to technology. Nowadays, with the internet available to answer every parenting question under the sun, working together “becomes harder and less personal,” especially “if the parent overrides the grandparent using AI or Google to prove them wrong.”
Related: 6 Benefits of Living With a Grandparent, According to a Child Psychologist
The 5 Things Grandparents Should Never Do Without Asking the Child’s Parents First
1. Post photos on social media
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“Children shouldn’t have their images online, because once it is posted you lose the ability to manage it,” explains Dr. Strohman, who specializes in the intersection of psychology and technology (namely, social media).
“This becomes their digital footprint and a grandparent should never do that without direct permission,” she adds. “Parents may have reasons for this in terms of custody, stalking risks or online exploitation that grandparents don’t think of.”
2. Share personal information with strangers
“Whether at a store or online, a child’s personal information should be held by the parents and shared under their decisions,” Dr. Strohman states. Personal information may include a child’s full name, age, where they live and where they go to school.
3. Make medical decisions
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Barring an emergency, grandparents should never make medical decisions for their grandchildren without consulting the parents first—and even in an emergency, grandparents should call the parents as soon as possible.
“Taking the child to an urgent care or [making] decisions that impact health should be with the parent unless it is an emergency,” Dr. Strohman says.
If parents are leaving their children with grandparents or babysitters for the first time, especially if it’s overnight, the parents should go over a plan should any medical issues arise “ahead of time to ensure everyone is on the same page.”
Related: 8 Things Emotionally Intelligent Mothers-in-Law Do Differently, According to a Psychologist
4. Allow unsupervised access to technology
Respecting a parent’s rules surrounding screen time is increasingly important these days.
“Handing [a child] a smartphone, or any access to screens, without knowing the parents’ rules is highly risky and worrisome,” Dr. Strohman shares. “Children can be a handful, and although a screen can make it handy, there are far too many risks.”
5. Allow kids to eat unapproved foods
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“Often parents are strict or have rules due to personal beliefs, allergies, medical conditions or deliberate developmental choices that shouldn’t be overruled,” states Dr. Strohman.
Though it can be tempting for grandparents to buy sweet treats for their grandchildren on a whim, they should always make sure the treats don’t violate the parents’ wishes.
3 Ways To Set Healthy Boundaries (Without Starting a Family Feud)
1. Set expectations before conflicts arise
Rather than risking saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment, Dr. Strohman recommends “setting expectations proactively.”
This “allows both generations to approach the conversation from a place of partnership rather than defensiveness,” she explains. “It also gives grandparents the dignity of understanding the ‘why’ behind a rule, which tends to increase buy-in and compliance far more than a correction delivered in anger.”
Related: We Asked 4 Child Psychologists What Parenting Style Is Best—They All Said the Same Thing
2. Write out non-negotiable rules
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Dr. Strohman suggests writing a list with rules regarding things like allergies, screen time limits and discipline approaches. Then, always leave the list handy for grandparents and babysitters.
“[This] removes ambiguity and reduces the chance of an honest misunderstanding turning into resentment, ” she states. “Clarity also protects the relationship itself—it’s much easier for a grandparent to follow a known rule than to guess at an unspoken one and get it wrong.”
3. Reinforce boundaries
As your children and their grandparents continue to spend time together, you should “reinforce boundaries with consistency and grace,” Dr. Strohman advises.
“A boundary that is enforced once and then quietly abandoned teaches everyone involved that the rule was optional, which invites future testing,” she notes.
It’s also important to keep grandparents updated on rules as your kids grow.
“At the same time, parenting boundaries aren’t static—what matters for a toddler’s safety differs from what matters for a teenager’s autonomy,” she shares. “Periodically revisiting the rules together keeps the relationship collaborative rather than combative, and shows grandparents that the goal is the child’s well-being, not control for its own sake.”
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Related: We Asked 4 Child Psychologists What They Wish More Grandparents Would Stop Doing—They All Said the Same Thing
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Dr. Lisa Strohman is a clinical psychologist and the founder of Digital Citizen Academy.Hence then, the article about psychologist says grandparents should never do these 5 things without asking first was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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