We often think so much about what to make for dinner. Dino nuggets (again)? Should I “hide the broccoli” in a pile of cheese? Should I just do what the French do and give kids what I’m having and insist they at least try it? Listen, food is important, and we’re not going to solve any of the above today. But Dr. Amy Todey, Ph.D.—a psychologist who specializes in parenting and co-parenting—encourages parents to think about dinner as so much more than the food.“It’s one of the most natural places to build connection,” she tells Parade.You can also use family dinners to build emotional intelligence. But you’ll need to understand how to get kids to talk at the dinner table.
“Children don’t develop emotional intelligence through lectures,” the psychologist shares. “They develop it through conversations. Every time we ask about their day, listen without rushing to fix the problem and make space for both happy and difficult emotions, we’re helping them better understand themselves and other people.”
Over time, she says these small moments teach kids how to recognize their emotions, describe their experiences, view things from another person’s perspective and learn that all feelings are safe to bring home.
Yet, you may just get a whole lot of “fine”—or just grunting—when you ask kids how their days went. Not to put more on your plate, but it’s helpful to know some of the best dinner table questions for kids. And three child psychologists agree that one specific question is the best to ask your children at dinner. They also share more child psychology communication tips ahead.
Related: The 13 Things Schoolteachers Absolutely Wish All Parents Knew
The Unanimous Dinner Conversation Winner: ‘What Was Your Rose and Thorn Today?’
According to three child psychologists, the rose-and-thorn conversation starter is the best question to ask kids about their day because it’s open-ended.
By discussing the rose (best) and the thorn (worst), kids can reflect on the highs and lows of the day and build emotional intelligence at dinner.
Related: The One Emotional Skill Psychologists Say Parents and Grandparents Should Teach Before Age 7
The Psychology of the ‘Thorn’: Why Kids Need To Discuss the Bad
It may feel uncomfortable to discuss the highs and lows of the day, but child psychologists agree that there are so many benefits for parents and kids when we name the “bad.”
“These conversations also help build emotional intelligence because children learn to identify, label and reflect on their emotions,” states Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist. “When parents model talking about both positive and difficult experiences, kids begin to understand that all emotions are normal and that feelings can be talked through rather than avoided.”
Dr. Todey adds that talking about a thorn can make hard feelings, like sadness, anger and embarrassment, less scary. As a result, they can start to understand that they don’t have to “hide” uncomfortable emotions.
“When adults can listen without panicking or immediately trying to fix everything, children learn that uncomfortable emotions are manageable and temporary,” she shares. “It also teaches resilience rather than avoidance. As parents, it’s natural to want to protect our children from difficult feelings.
But Dr. Todey emphasizes that resilience isn’t built by avoiding hard moments.
“It’s built when children experience something difficult, talk it through with someone they trust, and discover that difficult feelings don’t last forever,” she notes. “Every thorn becomes an opportunity to learn: ‘Hard days happen. I can get through them. I don’t have to go through this alone.'”
Which tees up what she believes is the most “powerful lesson hidden inside the thorn.” And it’s not problem-solving.
“It’s about belonging,” she states. “Children learn they don’t have to earn love by being happy, successful or having a perfect day. When families consistently make space for the full range of emotions, children begin to believe something incredibly important: ‘There is nothing I could feel today that would make me less welcome at this table.'”
It gives children emotional safety that can protect them throughout their lives. Also, it gives parents useful information.
“A child’s ‘thorn’ may reveal friendship problems, school struggles, bullying or worries that would not come up through general questions,” says Caitlin Slavens, BAACS, MC, R Psych, a registered psychologist. “These conversations help parents observe patterns and decide when a child needs support, while still giving the child room to work through everyday difficulties.”
Related: We Asked 3 Child Psychologists What Outdoor Activity Is Best for Kids—They All Said the Same Thing
The ‘How Was School?’ Trap: Why Broad Questions Backfire
Dr. Todey explains that parents ask “How was school?” out of genuine care and curiosity. Yet, they often get frustrating answers, like, “Fine,” “Good,” or “I don’t know.”
“The problem isn’t that children don’t want to talk,” she notes. “The question is simply too broad.”
For one thing, Slavens shares that “school” is a broad subject, covering several hours, dozens of interactions and many different emotions.
“That is a lot for a child to sort through on the spot, so ‘fine’ or ‘good’ is often the easiest answer,” she says.
It’s worth getting specific when coming up with alternatives to “How was school?”
“More specific questions give their brain somewhere to begin, such as, ‘What made you laugh today?’ or ‘Was there a part of the day that was hard?'” she suggests.
Related: Parents Often Rush This Part of Bedtime—but Child Psychologists Say It’s the Most Important
Open-Ended vs. Closed-Ended: The Dinner Table Difference
Child psychologists are fans of open-ended questions for kids as alternatives to “How was school?” But what’s the difference between closed-ended questions and open-ended questions?
“Closed-ended questions usually have one short answer,” Dr. Todey tells Parade. “Open-ended questions invite children to reflect.”
Examples of closed-ended questions for kids
Did you have a good day? Was math hard? Did you finish your homework?“They’re useful for gathering information, but they rarely spark conversation,” Dr. Todey explains.
Examples of open-ended questions for kids
What surprised you today? Tell me about your favorite part of the day. What felt challenging today? What made you proud? If you could relive one part of today, what would it be?“Open-ended questions communicate something powerful: ‘I’m interested not just in what happened—but in how you experienced it,'” Dr. Todey states. “Feeling understood is one of the deepest forms of belonging. When children believe someone is genuinely curious about their inner world, they’re far more likely to keep sharing it.”
Related: This 1990s Backyard Game Still Teaches Kids Teamwork Better Than Most Apps
How To Adapt the ‘Rose and Thorn’ for Toddlers vs. Teens
The rose-and-thorn conversation starter is a great way to get kids talking at dinner, but you’ll want to make it age-appropriate. Below, you’ll find child psychology communication tips for how to discuss the highs and lows of the day in ways your kiddo can understand.
1. Toddlers and kids in Pre-K (ages 2–5)
Slavens says that specific questions are helpful for littler ones. Think: “What made you happy today?” and “Was anything hard or made you feel mad?”
“Young children may need more help or prompting, as remembering specifics throughout a whole day may be too much to remember,” she explains. “Parents can go first and share a simple answer, or use pictures of a rose and a thorn so the child has something visual to point to.”
Related: How To Validate Someone’s Feelings, According to a Clinical Psychologist
2. School-aged children (ages 6-11)
Dr. Schiff said that school-aged kids are ready to explain why something was their rose or thorn.
“Parents can follow up with questions like, ‘What made that your favorite part?’ or ‘What do you think you could do differently next time?'” she suggests. “This is also a great age to encourage problem-solving without immediately jumping in to solve every problem.”
Like adults, sometimes school-aged kids want someone to listen to them before they start coming up with fixes, Dr. Schiff says.
3. Tweens and teens (ages 12+)
It’s natural for teens and tweens to seek more independence, Dr. Todey says.
“The goal isn’t to make dinner feel like an interview—it’s to keep it feeling like a safe place to land,” she explains.
She recommends inviting everyone at the table (parents, grandparents and other adults included) to share their roses and thorns.
“When adults model vulnerability, teens are much more likely to do the same,” she shares. “As children grow, what matters most isn’t getting every detail about their day. It’s preserving the relationship. When teenagers know they’ll be met with curiosity instead of judgment, they’re far more likely to keep bringing the important parts of their lives home.”
And in a world that loves to pull families in multiple directions?
“That may be one of the greatest gifts a simple dinner conversation can offer,” Dr. Todey says.
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Related: We Asked 4 Child Psychologists What Parenting Style Is Best—They All Said the Same Thing
Sources:
Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Amy Todey, Ph.D., psychologist Caitlin Slavens, BAACS, MC, R Psych, registered psychologist and the clinic owner and co-founder of Cradles to CouplesHence then, the article about we asked 3 child psychologists for the best question to ask kids at the dinner table and they all said the same thing was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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