In childhood, it’s generally seen as totally normal to be anxious about meeting new people. Trying out for a team, going to a new school building or simply showing up in a classroom without knowing many other students can all be intimidating experiences.
But even into adulthood, this anxiety can follow us as we long to be well-liked and accepted by our peers. You might feel nervous before starting a new job, going to your first book club meeting or double-dating with a couple you haven’t met before. And the nerves might not go away even as you spend more time in these settings or with these same individuals.
Patricia Faison Hewlin, PhD, award-winning behavioral scientist and author of the new book Staying True to You: Unlock the Power of Your Middle Self and Live with Confidence, Integrity, and Peace of Mind (on sale August 25), understands this desire to fit in even more than most, as she’s spent more than 25 years researching authenticity vs. conformity.
“My passion for researching authenticity versus conformity began during my days as a bank leader,” she tells Parade. “I worked with colleagues who struggled to be authentic, from those fearing they’d be passed over for promotion if they spoke about how much parenting was important to them, to those holding political views different from senior leadership. I recall a colleague who said to me, ‘I feel like I’m living a lie, conforming to what they want us to do, but I disagree.’ On the personal side, very few leaders looked like me. I struggled to fit in and trying to blend in was tiring.”
When Dr. Hewlin returned to NYU for her PhD in organizational behavior, she developed the concept of “facades of conformity,” which, as she explains, “captures the pressure people feel to suppress their true values and pretend to embrace their organization’s norms.”
“In my twenty years of global research across contexts from Wall Street to the Broadway stage, and public school classrooms, at least 30% of employees report hiding that they are conforming in uncomfortable ways to survive and succeed professionally and personally,” she reveals. “It is crucial for people to understand facades of conformity because my research shows they create an unsettling dissonance that leaves individuals emotionally exhausted and disengaged.”
Being inauthentic on a regular basis impacts individuals more than they—along with the people around them—might realize.
“Organizational leaders must note that when employees feel forced to create facades, they are far more likely to quit,” she stresses. “By understanding this dynamic, we can begin to address mental health and reduce burnout within and outside of the workplace.”
But part of addressing mental health and this dynamic does not include simply saying, “Just be yourself.” Dr. Hewlin tells Parade why that’s actually terrible advice, and what to do instead.
Related: 11 Common Behaviors of Authentic People—and One Thing They *Never* Do, According to Therapists
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Why Is ‘Just Be Yourself’ Actually Terrible Advice?
Being told to “just be yourself” might sound encouraging for a second, but it tends to oversimplify a complex dynamic.
“Most people I’ve talked to about authenticity recall that growing up, ‘just be yourself’ was one of the most frequently given pieces of advice (particularly in the U.S.), but we were not given any instructions for navigating the many twists, turns and disasters that happen when we are ‘being ourselves,'” Dr. Hewlin explains.
She adds, “Full and unfiltered authenticity—or bringing our ‘whole self’ into every context without taking into account the room (i.e., the people, our relationships with those people, the potential risks and rewards), or without taking account of our own values and objectives, can create a boomerang effect of feeling dissatisfied, or even less seen.”
Related: People Who Struggle With Self-Awareness Often Display These 8 Behaviors, Psychologists Say
What To Say Instead of ‘Just Be Yourself’
According to Dr. Hewlin, instead of telling people to “just be yourself,” she recommends: “Be your empowered self.”
“We are empowered when we understand how to strike an intentional balance between expressing our individuality and making necessary contextual adjustments,” she tells Parade. “Now with that said, in some places with some people we can be fully authentic and that is wonderful when that happens, but in many situations, we must read the room.”
How to be your empowered self
Here, Dr. Hewlin gives advice that she also shares in her book:
Identify and shuffle your “deck of values”: As we begin to know and understand our values, we see can see them as suits in a deck of cards, intentionally select and “play” the specific core values that fit the immediate environment. Practice self-regulation alongside self-expression: It is a nimble interplay between expressing your perspective and regulating your authenticity in ways that protect your personal integrity while building relationships and avoiding weaponizing our authenticity. Set your conformity thresholds: Determine in advance how much contextual adjustment you can comfortably make before it feels disempowering, allowing you to make intentional concessions rather than suppressing yourself out of fear. Make room for others (authenticity as a group project): Recognize that your self-expression impacts the room; intentionally step back (“decenter” yourself) to create space for others to express their authentic values as well.Related: 135 Deep Shadow Work Prompts To Help With Self-Awareness, Self-Compassion and Authenticity
A More Helpful Way To Think About Authenticity
Some of us might feel like we take on different roles depending on who we are in our families, work places and friendships. So, how should we think about authenticity within these various roles?
“First and foremost, recognize that expressing our ‘full-on’ authentic selves in every context is almost always unrealistic and often ineffective,” Dr. Hewlin begins. “Second, see authenticity as relational, meaning our self-expression impacts others and requires us to make room for their authenticity as well. When we can see authenticity within this lens, then we can understand that authenticity and conformity are not mutually exclusive but often coexist at work and in personal relationships.”
She points to an example she’s shared in her book, about Anne and Peter, explaining, “Anne prioritized values that protected her husband’s ability to self-advocate after he suffered a serious injury. Discovering that her authentic approach to his medical care was leading efforts that overpowered Peter, she learned to open space for him to reclaim his voice while keeping their relationship grounded in mutual respect.”
“When we are in the middle self, we understand that some values are more important than others for building relationships,” Dr. Hewlin continues. “Again, it’s about the intentionality of playing to values that are most relevant and most important in a given relationship or context.”
Up Next:
Related: 6 Ways We Sabotage Our Own Authenticity Without Realizing It
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Patricia Faison Hewlin, PhD, award-winning behavioral scientist and author of Staying True to You: Unlock the Power of Your Middle Self and Live with Confidence, Integrity, and Peace of Mind.Hence then, the article about why just be yourself is actually terrible advice according to a behavioral scientist was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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