As Sammie Walker Herrera, a communication coach, puts it, you might be screaming internally: “When I said I listen to all kinds of music, I didn’t mean your music.”
Sometimes the easiest solution is simply to get out of earshot. Nicole Del Valle Rose, an etiquette coach and founder of the Las Vegas consultancy Poised & Proper, says the most gracious response is often the least confrontational one.
If there’s another table open at the coffee shop or plenty of room elsewhere in the train car, relocate. You’ll solve the problem in seconds and spare both of you an awkward exchange. Save the conversation for situations where you’re truly stuck, like on a plane, in a waiting room, or aboard a packed bus.
Talk about the sound—not the person
“You don’t want to immediately put this person on the defensive,” says Walker Herrera, who runs Speak Y’all, a communication coaching business. “Frame how it’s impacting you, rather than that they’re doing something ‘wrong.’”
If you’re comfortable engaging for a moment, it can help to open with a little friendliness. Larry Schooler, an assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Texas at Austin, suggests first asking what the person is listening to. After they answer, he recommends saying: “Oh, cool. I was just wondering if you could maybe lower the volume or listen to it privately; I needed to concentrate on something and was just finding it hard to do.”
If you’d rather skip the small talk, Michelle Retsky, a speech-language pathologist and founder of Words in Motion Therapy in New Port Richey, Fla., teaches social communication for a living. She suggests starting with a genuine question: “Excuse me, do you happen to have headphones? I’m having trouble focusing, and the sound is carrying over pretty loudly over here.”
Keep it short
There’s no need to deliver a closing argument about the deterioration of public etiquette. The longer you talk, the more uncomfortable—and potentially charged—the exchange can become.
Tone matters more than finding the perfect wording. Ask politely, Johnson says, and assume the person simply didn’t realize they were bothering anyone. Most people will be happy—or at least willing—to turn down the volume.
If the noise is making a flight, train ride, or restaurant visit genuinely unbearable, ask an employee to intervene rather than escalating the interaction yourself, Del Valle Rose suggests. And if the person seems agitated or unpredictable, skip the direct request altogether. Your peace and quiet isn’t worth jeopardizing your safety.
Above all, don’t become fixated on finding a magical combination of words that will guarantee a pleasant response. Healthy communication “doesn’t come down to saying the ‘right’ things,” Johnson says. “It’s about having the courage to say what you need in a respectful manner, while giving others the dignity of deciding how they will react.”
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