“What are you doing? He is obviously your type and he was trying to flirt with you!” she said. I was so confused. I didn’t pick up on any signals and assumed it was just polite conversation.
Two topics stayed consistent regardless of age or geography. The first was that people were fed up with the fact that no one approaches each other or makes the first move. The second was that no one knows how to do so themselves
Digital culture can take part of the blame. “We’re living in a culture that is more digitally connected than ever before, and many people are getting less used to having everyday spontaneous face-to-face interactions,” says Victoria Wren, a therapist based in the U.K.
The stakes feel a lot higher in the tangible world. “If we feel like we’ve overshared or said something we did not mean to say, we have the opportunity to just edit or unsend a text now,” Wren says. “Approaching someone in real life requires risking rejection, taking courage, and accepting that things might not work out as hoped.”
Previous generations practiced talking to strangers while waiting in line, making conversation in bars, reading body language, and navigating awkwardness because there was no digital alternative. Today, the reality is much different. Rather than engaging with the people around me, my phone often fills the gap in my day. When a friend is running late for lunch, for example, I scroll aimlessly, answering emails or texts.
Perhaps part of this standoff is that many of us have learned to fear rejection. During my group therapy class, several men in the group told us about their terrible experiences of approaching women and being rejected in humiliating ways. One guy said he asked a woman about the book she was reading and she just loudly screamed, “Go away!” Going forward, many assume the same experience will happen again if they approach someone, so they simply don’t.
Today, many people no longer have the same opportunities to develop the interpersonal skills that flirting requires. And while many people say they want to meet a partner organically instead of through dating apps, many daters also express fears of rejection and an unwillingness to make the first move.
We often blame dating apps or social media, but perhaps other forms of technology are to blame as well. We’ve spent so much of our lives communicating through texts, voice notes, and algorithms that we’ve lost the confidence to navigate the ambiguity of flirting with a stranger.
However, while people had more opportunities to interact with strangers in the past, bars, workplaces, events, and public transport remain crucial sites for dating and flirting. But armed with weaker interpersonal skills and the heightened self-awareness of the social media age, many people feel an overwhelming pressure to carefully manage how they are perceived. My theory: all of this makes us more reluctant to meet new people and risk feeling vulnerable, rejected, or embarrassed.
Self-compassion and self-acceptance are also important. Flirting, and dating in general, requires stepping into our vulnerability, knowing we can retreat if we feel we would like to. We have to become comfortable with uncertainty and the possibility of rejection.
A previous version of me would have ignored it and buried my head into my phone. But I smiled back and he came over to say hi. It didn’t lead to anything romantic, but I’m proud of myself for being approachable, rather than hiding.
And the experience served as a great reminder for something many of us have forgotten: flirting feels good.
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