My son is in his early thirties, lives a couple of miles away from us and is totally absorbed in his own life. I feel ashamed to admit that I no longer even know if he loves me and his mum.
He visits us under duress, never suggests coming to see us (my wife organises for him to come), seems reluctant to chat or give us time. I fear that if it weren’t for my wife, we’d never see him at all. I feel really hurt but don’t know how to broach it.
He’s an only child and we were close until his teenage years, when he became increasingly withdrawn. At the time, my wife and I had a rocky relationship with lots of arguments; I feel guilty that he might have picked up on our tensions. I also feel that I’m paying a very high price if that is the case. How do I raise this with him and more importantly, try to rebuild our relationship?
From PB, 58
***
Dear PB,
I felt really sad reading your message, which is full of heartfelt disappointment and confusion.
I understand how hard it is to start a conversation with your son about what went wrong, but I’d urge you to do just that. I find it useful to remind myself that what I say doesn’t need to be perfect – it’s the intention that counts.
Before you chat, it’s important to work through your own emotions and intentions. Your son is in his early thirties and it’s perfectly plausible that he is simply, as you say yourself, absorbed in his own life. It’s a time when many people are career climbing, possibly dating, and focused on growing into their own life. And that, in itself, might well be him naturally taking space so he can become a fully independent adult.
Once he’s more settled, he is likely to become more available once again. It can feel like abandonment for parents but might be growth for him. If you can work through feelings of rejection and of being left by your son with a professional, or chat to friends or in a men’s group, it might help you approach the conversation with curiosity.
To rebuild your relationship, it might help to remember your son is a grown man who has built his own perspective on life, beyond the trio you were in his childhood. Meeting him in the present might feel important to him, especially if he feels that his role in the family is how you define him. By being curious about his life now, the pressures he is under and how he juggles the always-on nature of the world, you might be able to understand why he is so distant and see life from his perspective. Parenting doesn’t stop at 30 and I’d recommend you continue doing this throughout his life: we all want to feel understood.
I’d recommend you ask your son how he feels about your wife organising visits: do they put pressure on him? It could be that you’ve fallen into a groove that pushes him away and isn’t working for anyone. If he does feel pressured rather than free, then suggesting that he arranges a visit when it works for him might relieve the sense that he’s visiting under duress.
I think it’s also important that you consider that your son’s experiences and emotions may surprise you. When you chat to him, make sure to find out where he’s coming from. Ask him about his teenage years and don’t presume that because you were living together you know the answers. I suspect you’re right that your son picked up on some of the tensions when you and your wife weren’t getting on – he might have felt angry towards you, or resentful of you both.
His withdrawal, though, might also have been part of being a hormonal teenager. Do remember that you’ve also shown him, unwittingly, that relationships can survive really stormy times and improve hugely and strengthen. This is a valuable lesson. I would be astonished if your son didn’t love you, even if he might not have liked your behaviour at times.
It is not your son’s role to alleviate your shame, and this is likely to add an unhealthy sense of pressure on his side, but something for you to deal with independently. But do remember that from your son’s point of view, he might think you’ve got absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.
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