Asking certain questions before marriage can help you avoid some of those obstacles, but it’s not a one-stop fix. Spouses can disagree and fight—and even need marriage counseling or divorce—for many reasons and at various points in their marriage. In other words, if you’ve been married a long time and you’re having problems—new or old—you’re not alone. Some of those predicaments are bigger issues than others and lead to more serious consequences.
Ahead, three psychologists share what quietly ruins marriages, hidden warning signs of an unhappy marriage, other subtle marriage killers, how to reconnect with your partner and how to protect your marriage long-term.
The main silent killer of long-term marriages is… not talking about problems, whether they're within yourself or your partnership. Simply put, it harms both you and the relationship.
She’s seen unresolved arguments, unaddressed trauma and family conflict all chip away at a marriage.
Specific examples of unaddressed problems may include not discussing your sex life and financial decisions, according to Dr. Nicole Prause, PhD, a licensed psychologist who’s publishing research in human sexuality and couples.
“This leaves a sexual partner feeling unhappy and, often, feeling unloved,” she explains.
“At a small scale, like not admitting to an expensive coffee on Fridays, these are reasonable secrets,” she clarifies. “Unfortunately, these are often held until the debt has reached a scale that it interferes with the ability to cover necessities.” That creates more strain and stress for the spouses.
“When you let people see what you’re carrying, they often lend a helping hand,” she states. “In couples therapy, I have seen breakthroughs for one partner’s understanding when the other shares something they’ve been managing alone.”
7 Hidden Warning Signs of an Unhappy Marriage
Other signs of an unhappy marriage certainly exist, too, psychologists say. But before we jump in, let’s be clear: “The warning signs are less about them happening, as these can all happen in relationships,” Dr. Rice states. “[They’re] more about whether the couple can talk openly and kindly about what’s happening and what may have changed.”
It might be surprising, but it’s true. Regarding her work with couples, Dr. Abrishami says this is “not the brag they think it is.” She explains that avoidance or a lack of engagement can lead to not fighting—and it can contribute to resentment, too.
2. Unspoken resentment
“It’s hard to respect someone you resent,” Dr. Abrishami says. “You may blame your partner for the outcomes of your life and feel like you had little to no say in how your life ended up.”
“Constant fighting is not a sign of passion,” Dr. Abrishami states. “In a marriage, constant fighting means that you lack perspective for what your partner values… That kind of unconditional love is not fairytale magic; it comes from hard work, awareness and communication.”
4. Sharing less and less with your partner
“Every person is entitled to privacy and secret thoughts, but deception and lack of communication tend to compound,” Dr. Prause says.
“A lack of sex can be healthy when discussed and agreed on, but a silent absence of sex where you are not sure what is happening is a good indicator of unhappiness,” Dr. Prause shares.
6. No meaningful experiences or quality time
Typically, partners will want to share novel, exciting experiences with each other.
Dr. John Gottman, a well-known psychologist and researcher who founded The Gottman Institute with his wife, identified four communication styles that are likely predictors of divorce. Referred to as the “four horsemen,” they include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Related: How to Spice up Your Marriage in 2026, a Relationship Expert Reveals
1. Being too busy
Have you been spending less time with your spouse? Or when you spend time together, is it less meaningful and focused? Take a minute to pause.
While spouses may need to discuss ending the relationship, the frequency is the concern here, according to Dr. Prause.
3. Emotionally disengaging from the relationship
Emotional neglect in marriage is real. It can look like not attending to your partner's feelings or even not sharing the “good” with them. It’s important to share your achievements and seek comfort in your partner, Dr. Rice says.
This issue can go hand-in-hand with not discussing concerns. Both require vulnerability—something that’s simultaneously scary and worth it.
5. Resentment
Again, resentment can both lead to and be a sign of an unhappy marriage. It’s “a big one,” too, Dr. Rice says, because it often hides behind routines.
Related: If You’ve Said Any of These 14 Phrases, You Probably Have a Fear of Abandonment, Psychologists Explain
How To Reconnect and Protect Your Marriage Long-Term
Keep the spark alive with consistent dates (they don’t have to be expensive or super long!) and a relationship reset. Pay attention to each other and show affection.
Attend couples therapy
According to Dr. Abrishami, “Everything we talked about today can be addressed in therapy.” In fact, she’s seen it happen, and successfully.
She explains a skilled therapist can help you cut through the things that blurred your marriage so you can see your partner more clearly and reignite your love for each other.
Have the hard conversations
Dr. Prause adds that working through problems as they arise can lead to fewer, big, “we need to talk” conversations. Then, she shares other tips—and a bit of hope.
Up Next:
Related: If Your Partner Suddenly Stops Caring About These 6 Things, Your Relationship Might Be in Trouble
Sources
Dr. Golee Abrishami, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and the VP of Clinical Care at Octave.Dr. Amy Rice, PhD, is a licensed psychologist and co-founder of Golden Gate Counseling Services. She specializes in marriage, depression, anxiety, life transitions, relationships and other mental health concerns.Dr. Nicole Prause, PhD, is a licensed psychologist who’s publishing research in human sexuality and couples.The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, The Gottman InstituteHence then, the article about we asked 3 psychologists what quietly hurts long term marriages they all said the same thing was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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