"[Word choice] is the distinction between whether an argument escalates into a fight or de-escalates into a conversation," Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor, tells Parade. "Therefore, it is important to understand what words to use, how to use them, when to use them and what tone to use."
"When we are emotionally poked or escalated, we are not able to be as thoughtful or to process as groundedly as we do when we are emotionally regulated and in a calm, considerate space," says Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks.
Four psychologists agree that one phrase in particular always escalates arguments. They share what it is, a few other phrases to avoid and how to de-escalate a conflict.
You might have guessed it already, but if you suspected that it's a one-word phrase, you'd be right.
This happens because it causes emotional invalidation, making the other person feel dismissed. Psychologists also say that it lacks empathy, feels insulting and sounds condescending. It's one of the biggest trigger words in relationships.
5 Reasons Why This Phrase Instantly Triggers Anger
The irony that the word "relax" can quickly escalate arguments isn't lost on Dr. Deborah Vinall, PsyD, LMFT, a licensed therapist and the chief psychological officer at Recovered.org. She says that the phrase that instructs people to calm down often has the opposite effect, "triggering feelings of rage."
People often begin fighting because one or both feel unseen or unheard by the other. The word "relax" only ratchets these feelings up a notch (or several).
2. It's emotionally invalidating
Empathy—or the ability to understand and express how someone else is feeling—can deepen relationships. "Relax" bypasses empathy, though.
Dr. Goldman agrees that using the word "relax" is a form of emotional invalidation that can make fights worse.
Dr. Goldman explains that using this word in arguments paints one person (the one who used it) as the calm and rational one. The person it's directed at is, therefore, cast as the irrational, out-of-control and even "crazy" one. Certain groups are more likely to hear that they need to "relax."
4. It's condescending and controlling
When someone is told to "relax" during an argument, they might feel small (and react with a lot of anger). Dr. Hafeez points out that this phrase is an attempt to shut down dialogue, but it may only make the conversation more heated.
Dr. Goldman notes that some people use the word "relax" to mean, "You need to be less guarded." She says that the problem with this tactic is that there is a reason they are guarded and on alert: They don't feel physically or emotionally safe.
Related: 7 Phrases You’ll Often Hear From a ‘Know-It-All,’ According to a Psychologist
1. "You always"/"You never"
These phrases seem like opposites, but they share something in common: Escalating arguments.
Examples of these phrases include "You always start the fight" or "You never even try to get home on time.
"This phrase can come across as disrespectful or uncaring," Dr. Hafeez states. "It often signals that one person has stopped listening, which can make the conflict worse."
3. "I don't care"
"Even if said in frustration, these words can be deeply hurtful," Dr. Hafeez notes. "They may leave the other person feeling rejected and less willing to work toward a resolution."
"This statement is one that does not take any responsibility for actions or how the person contributed to the issue," she warns. "Instead, it is just an apology for how someone else is feeling."
5. "This isn't on me"
"This person is taking on zero accountability for their actions or words," she states. "This also sets the dynamic up to be one about blame, instead of working through the situation together. It keeps people from seeing each other’s perspectives and honoring another person’s emotions."
"It will create insecurity in your relationship, whether dating, cohabitating, married or a friendship," she notes. "That will be difficult, if not impossible, to fully eradicate later. If this is said within earshot of any children, their sense of stability at home will be badly shaken."
7. "You're so dramatic"
"It avoids the issue at hand so nothing gets resolved," Dr. Vinall says. "This turns the argument from an issue into a personal attack while avoiding responsibility."
What To Say Instead: 7 Expert-Approved De-Escalation Phrases
While it's important to know what not to say in an argument, psychologists say it's equally vital to know which phrases can de-escalate a situation. Keep these in your back pocket for the next time things get heated.
When it's authentic, she says that "you're right" acknowledges that you see and even agree with what someone is coming from. It goes a long way—as does pointing out where you and the other person share common ground.
2. “Let’s pause and return to this when we can more productively talk about it"
Sometimes, you need to go to bed a little angry or leave things unresolved when it's time to log off from work.
Whether curiosity really killed the cat is besides the point. In arguments, curiosity can play a significant role in conflict resolution.
4. "Why don't we try..."
Dr. Vinall says the keyword in this phrase is "we." It signals a collaborative approach to conflict resolution.
Dr. Goldman says this statement oozes empathy and validation.
6. "I don't want us to fight. I want us to solve this together"
Dr. Hafeez says that these sentences make a simple, powerful statement.
Related: 12 of the Best ‘I Statements’ to Use in Arguments, According to Psychologists
"People are often more open to compromise when they feel heard and respected," Dr. Hafeez notes. "This phrase keeps the conversation moving forward instead of allowing it to become a battle."
Honing conflict resolution skills can help you preserve relationships, deepen bonds and even get ahead in the workplace. To help, psychologists shared top tips for how to de-escalate an argument.
1. Pump the brakes when emotions start to rise
"Slow the conversation down when emotions start to rise," Dr. Hafeez notes. "Taking a few deep breaths, lowering your voice or even pausing for a few minutes can prevent people from saying things they later regret. Strong emotions often make it harder to communicate clearly and listen effectively."
"When we approach an argument, usually the goal is to be heard and seen," Dr. Goldman states. "It does, however, sometimes block us from being able to put down our own agenda and focus on the other person’s thoughts and feelings."
"Truly try to understand their perspective and why they feel that way," she states. "If you care about them, focusing on that care and love can help with the discussion ahead."
3. Focus on the present issue, not past mistakes
"Bringing up old conflicts often adds unnecessary tension and makes people feel attacked," Dr. Hafeez warns. "Keeping the discussion centered on the current problem makes it easier to work toward a solution."
"If we fail to comprehend the crux of the other person's concern and perspective, it's easy to get sidetracked arguing about unimportant details," Dr. Vinall points out. "Clarifying what they are communicating also shows that you care about what they are saying and want to understand."
5. Present ideas as suggestions, not attacks or demands
"Adopt a posture of humility and collaboration to move from argument to conflict resolution," Dr. Vinall urges.
Related: We Asked 4 Psychologists the Best Phrase To Use With Adult Children To Transform Your Relationship—They All Said the Same Thing
Sources:
Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., is a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks.Dr. Deborah Vinall, PsyD, LMFT, is a licensed therapist and the chief psychological officer with Recovered.org.Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D., is a neuropsychologist and the director of Comprehend the Mind.Hence then, the article about we asked 4 psychologists the one phrase that escalates every argument they all said the same thing was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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