"Becoming a grandparent is a significant identity shift for the grandparent and the parents," Dr. Gina Radice-Vella, Psy.D., the chief psychologist at Jersey Shore University Medical Center, tells Parade. "Being a grandparent offers the opportunity to develop a unique relationship with a grandchild—a relationship that is primarily focused on love, support and adoration."
"Consistency is important, as it creates a strong and established foundation that both children and adults begin to trust and look to for order, structure and routine—factors that help developing children thrive," she states.
Related: 7 Phrases Grandparents Should Avoid To Foster Better Relationships With Grandkids, Psychologist Says
"It can be easy for grandparents to dismiss today’s parents’ rules and boundaries, as these often look much different than the parenting advice and guidelines they had when they entered parenthood," Dr. Radice-Vella says.
"This line of thinking often drives disconnection between grandparents and parents," she warns.
Contradicting parents in front of childrenIgnoring household rules“Rescuing” children from consequencesPressuring parents to use outdated parenting methodsTriangulating (forming alliances with grandchildren against parents)
Dr. Pal says that conflict surges when grandparents become too intrusive or dismissive of parents' boundaries—and grandkids lose out.
She says that grandkids experience loyalty conflicts, emotional splitting and confusion when grandparents overstep. Other psychologists agree.
Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist, says it also undermines the parent-child relationship and creates a "good cop, bad cop" dynamic.
In other words, the kid may go to the adult who will give them the answer they want.
"When a child is in immediate danger, there's a medical emergency or a parent can't be reached and a decision has to be made," Dr. Caswell states. "Everything else, including rules that feel too strict, too lenient or just different from how you would have done it, is a conversation to have with the parent privately, not a call to make on your own."
3 Expert-Backed Things To Do Instead
The idea that "it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission" generally doesn't hold when a grandparent decides to contradict a parent. Dr. Caswell shares that there's a good reason that parenting looks different today.
The conversation can prevent you from having to grovel for forgiveness.
2. Support your grandchild without undermining their parent
"That does two things: It tells your grandchild they matter— their feelings count—and it keeps the parent's authority intact without making them the bad guy," she explains.
Cooking togetherTelling them stories about you when you are their ageAsk them to teach you about the things they love
"Your time, your stories and the fact that you love them without an agenda are more than enough," the psychologist stresses.
1. Offering unsolicited advice to parents
Though often doled out with the best of intentions, Dr. Radice-Vella warns that offering unsolicited advice can undermine a parent's confidence, create defensiveness and trigger resentment. As a result, parents may become less likely to ask for your help when they need it—to their detriment (and your grandkids).
You may have other grandchildren or regularly hang out with Jenny from down the block's grandkids, who began talking at 3 days old. Sharing comparisons does not scream, "I'm caring."
3. Judging or criticizing grandkids for their choices
Dr. Caswell doubles down on the fact that the world is much different today than it was when you were a child or a teen.
She advises grandparents to get curious instead.
Dr. Schiff points out that grandparents often do this one to try to force closeness or attention. Common guilt-tripping phrases include "You never visit me anymore" or "I could die tomorrow."
She suggests grandparents communicate their needs directly and with warmth. Think like, "I miss spending time with you and would love to plan something together."
5. Don't arrive without notice
Dr. Radice-Vella says grandparents usually arrive unannounced because they want to see their grandchildren. As well-intentioned as it may be, she warns that parents often find it highly disruptive.
Word to the wise: Always call or text to see if it's a good time. Dr. Radice-Vella suggests something like, "I'm thinking of you all! Any chance I could pop over for a quick visit this afternoon?"
Final Takeaways
Grandparents can play a vital role in grandchildren's lives. Like parenting, though, grandparenting doesn't come with a handbook. Still, there are some "unspoken rules" that child psychologists believe are worth talking about. Here's what to keep in mind:
Child psychologists wish grandparents would stop undermining parents. It can create confusion and frustration for everyone. Grandchildren may become confused about who to stay loyal to (the grandparent or the parent). When grandparents undermine parents, it can even inspire "manipulation tactics," such as going to the good cop (the grandparent) who will give them the answer they want. There are ways to support your grandchild without undermining the parents. For instance, you can sit with them in their frustration and offer a listening ear. Other bad habits can also damage grandparent-grandchild relationships. Child psychologists advise against judging a grandchild's choices (such as haircuts), comparing them to other kids and offering unsolicited advice to the parents.Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents to Never Turn a Blind Eye to These 10 Emotional Reflexes
Sources:
Dr. Gina Radice-Vella, Psy.D., is the chief psychologist at Jersey Shore University Medical Center.Dr. Ioana Pal, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist at Stramski Children’s Development Center at Miller Children’s & Women’s Hospital.Dr. Cameron Caswell, Ph.D., is an adolescent psychologist and host of the podcast Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam.Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist.Hence then, the article about we asked 4 child psychologists what they wish more grandparents would stop doing they all said the same thing was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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