Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C—a psychologist and the founder of Phoenix Health—says it's common for parents to become their lifelong children's inner voice. If you're a parent yourself, Dr. Guarnotta shares that it's important to understand the power your words still hold with an adult child.
Yet, moms and dads of adult kids can start to feel like nothing they say or do matters when the child no longer "needs" them for rides, dinner or shelter.
Still, Dr. Schiff says adult children still want an emotional connection along with autonomy, and other psychologists agree.
Related: 9 Things Parents Need From Their Adult Children—but Won’t Ask For, Psychologist Shares
The Best Phrase To Use With Adult Children, According to 4 Psychologists
"Authentically acknowledging and apologizing for your mistakes can feel incredibly validating for the receiver," shares Dr. Anna Plotkina, Psy.D.,a licensed psychologist with Pathways Psychological Services. "Validation is one of the most powerful tools we have for connection and healing."
"This can be difficult for parents to say because it can trigger feelings of shame or concern that they are giving up authority," she explains. "They may also fear being wrong."
You clearly caused harm, even if it was unintentional.When the longevity of the relationship matters, and repair is possible.When you genuinely understand what went wrong and their role in it.When you are ready to change your behavior.
Related: People Who Never Felt Validated as Kids Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
"Let the apology stand on its own," she encourages parents of adult kids. "I would not recommend saying it if it’s used to shut down a conversation. It also shouldn’t be used if the entire goal is to guilt the child into a reaction or forcing a reconciliation."
Related: The Biggest Obstacle To Repairing a Parent and Adult-Child Relationship, Psychologist Says
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"When a parent never apologizes, it keeps the adult child questioning themselves, their reality and the relationship," Dr. Goldman states. "When a parent apologizes for their mistakes, several benefits occur."
"It takes away the shame from the adult child," Dr. Guarnotta notes. "Many children carry the burden of their parents’ mistakes as if they are at fault. Hearing a parent take ownership of those mistakes takes the weight off the child. This is the foundation of a healthy adult parent/child relationship."
"Allowing your child the opportunity to feel heard, seen and validated will facilitate any needed relationship repair and can deepen your connection with them," she shares.
"Many adult children aren't expecting perfection from their parents," she says. "They are seeking acknowledgment. When a parent admits they are sorry for their mistakes, it… creates space for a new relationship that isn't defined by past dynamics. If the child has long felt unseen or dismissed, this also interrupts that long-standing pattern."
5 Other Ways To Better Your Relationship With Your Adult Children
Relationships are team sports, but even soccer and football stars do individual work when their teammates aren't watching.
For instance, she shares that parents may need to develop tools to better manage their emotions and communication.
2. Seek to understand your adult child's experience
Dr. Schiff says that asking an adult child to help you understand their experience can be beneficial, too.
If your adult child opens up, she recommends pausing before responding. Then, try to ask follow-up questions rather than correcting or explaining.
While we're on the subject of curiosity: Dr. Guarnotta understands how tough it can be to see an adult child struggle. But it's not your job to immediately fix their problems, as you once did with a broken toy using Gorilla Glue.
For example, she suggests saying, “That sounds challenging. How were you thinking of handling that?”
4. Respect "no"
Remember, your adult child is no longer a toddler refusing to put on shoes when you legitimately need to go somewhere.
Related: 11 Boundaries Every Woman Should Set by 40, According to Therapists
"Highlight their honorable traits, humor and unique perspective on the world," she says. "Tell them why you appreciate this about them. So often parents think these things in their head or share them with others, but forget to say them out loud to their own children."
1. Trying to maintain control over the life of your adult child
Dr. Goldman reminds parents that their grown children are independent adults.
Honoring boundaries is critical to parent-adult-child relationships, but Dr. Goldman says it's often a challenge.
3. Making guilt-laden comments
Often, Dr. Guarnotta hears parents make guilt-laden comments, especially about the sacrifices they made. It creates emotional pressure on an adult child—not cool.
Related: Psychologists Warn: These 14 Phrases Boomers Use Can Trigger Guilt in Their Adult Kids
Final Takeaways
Psychologists agree that "I'm sorry for my mistakes" is especially transformative. It can foster repair and validation and take away shame. Use the phrase correctly. Psychologists recommend saying this phrase if you mean it and have done something wrong (even unintentionally). Avoid using it to shut down a conversation or induce guilt. Let the phrase stand on its own rather than following it with an explanation of why you did what you did.There are other ways to transform a relationship with an adult child. Asking questions before giving advice or getting defensive, respecting boundaries and praising their character can deepen emotional connections.Avoid certain pitfalls. Encroaching boundaries, guilting them with comments about all of the sacrifices you made and trying to maintain control over their lives are turn-offs for adult children.
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Related: The #1 Mistake Parents and Grandparents Should Avoid Making With Their Kids, According to a Psychologist
Sources:
Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, is a psychologist and the founder of Phoenix Health.Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist.Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., is a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.Dr. Anna Plotkina, Psy.D., is a licensed psychologist with Pathways Psychological Services.Hence then, the article about we asked 4 psychologists the best phrase to use with adult children to transform your relationship they all said the same thing was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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