Ending a marriage, or even thinking about it, can easily be a complicated, emotional and time-consuming process, perhaps especially when you’re over 50 years old. At that point, you might have been married for longer, divorced before or wondered how much a divorce is “worth it”—especially given how unappealing the dating pool looks right now, am I right? It’s a hard decision, and making it during an already hard time may feel simply impossible, especially without help.
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The Most Common Cause of Divorce in Couples Over 50, According to 3 Psychologists
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“For many people over 50, the primary contributor to a divorce is ‘empty nest syndrome,’” saysDr. Tara Lally, PhD, a supervising psychologist at Hackensack Meridian Health.
“Empty nest syndrome doesn’t cause divorce—it exposes what’s been quietly decaying for 20 years,” saysDr. Deborah Gilman, PhD, a clinical psychologist and the owner of Fox Chapel Psychological Services, who specializes in kids, parenting, relationships and the psychology behind modern culture.
Dr. Lally has found the same to be true.
You may find you have little in common with your partner or have changed in ways they haven’t, perhaps even significantly.
Related: ‘After 16 Years of Marriage, My Husband Came Out as Gay—Here’s How I Rebuilt My Life’
Dr. Lally says it’s “because they recognize greater life expectancies, a focus on personal fulfillment or impact of health issues and retirement.”
“Many in this category are in their second or third marriages, which [have] a historically higher rate of ending in divorce,” she explains. “Baby boomers who are in second and third marriages are major drivers of the overall increase in ‘gray divorces.’”
“A longer lifespan gives opportunity to consider what’s important,” Dr. Toder says. “Facing many years ahead, people aren’t as willing to tolerate a relationship that doesn’t meet their needs.”
“Fewer people are willing to spend the next 30 years being quietly miserable for tradition’s sake,” she shares. “Also, midlife has a funny way of triggering existential clarity: You hit that ‘Is this really it?’ moment, and suddenly, putting up with your spouse’s emotional unavailability feels less charming and more like a life sentence.”
What Are the Cons of a Gray Divorce?
You might have caught the “gray divorce” term used a moment ago. Not sure what that means? We’ve got you: “A gray divorce is when couples split later in life, typically after age 50,” Dr. Gilman says (aka, exactly what we’ve been talking about, and aka, divorcing when your hair *may* begin to gray.)
“On average, women tend to take a bigger financial hit, and men tend to struggle more emotionally after divorce,” the psychologist adds. “But—and this is a big, flashing, can-not-ignore ‘but’—that’s a trend, not a destiny.”
Reduction in retirement savingsHigher cost of livingLoss of health insuranceAsset division or mingled assets that are hard to separate Feelings of loneliness and griefStress of having to “start over”Loss of social networksDisruption to family life and relationships with adult children and grandchildrenFuture caregiving concernsDissolving what could potentially be salvaged with some helpNeeding to “un-retire” because of financial strainExtra stress around holidays and family structureLoss of living with someone who can care for you emotionally and physically
“Gray divorce can be liberating,” Dr. Gilman clarifies. “People do find happiness, identity, even love again…But the research is clear: You’re trading emotional dissatisfaction for financial, social and physical uncertainty.”
For Dr. Toder, it’s subjective. “Since the average lifespan is about 80 years, there are still many years ahead to find happiness,” she states. “Still, will the disruptions be outweighed by the benefits?”
Dr. Gilman also answers with “it depends.”
As she’s suggesting, the answer to this question depends on what comes with marriage and divorce in your specific situation. That’s what Dr. Lally points out, too.
Still feeling stuck and overwhelmed? According to Dr. Gilman, it boils down to this one question: Am I leaving something truly broken, or running from something uncomfortable?
How Couples Over 50 Can Save Their Marriages
If you’ve decided you want to try to save your marriage, but aren’t sure how, don’t fret. Psychologists share key steps.
Dr. Toder agrees. She encourages assessing the relationship by looking at what’s great, what could get better and what steps might be needed.
Start dating each other again
During your “assessment phase,” you two might realize you need to spice things up and make them interesting by reintroducing curiosity and active dating practices. According to Dr. Gilman, that makes sense—and it may be easier than you think.
This might look like asking open-ended, present-day questions, like what’s been exciting your partner lately. It could also entail novel activities, such as travel, classes or a new restaurant. “The brain links newness with attraction,” she explains.
Related: 25 Relationship Check-In Questions for You and Your Partner
“Don’t just rehash,” she clarifies. “If you keep having the same fight, it’s not a fight—it’s a system failure.”
Get professional help
“Therapy isn’t failure; it’s maintenance,” Dr. Gilman says. “Start therapy when you feel stuck, not when you feel done.”
Create a shared future
Get excited; get out of your comfort zone. What is your life going to look like together without kids? What helps you want to stay with your partner?
Ask what you want the next 10 to 20 years to feel likeBuild joint projects (such as travel plans, volunteering, creative pursuits or even a business)Revise your values and what matters most to you (perhaps freedom, stability, adventure or less noise?)
“Couples who thrive don’t just avoid divorce—they build something that competes with the idea of leaving,” she concludes.
“Never put your relationship on the back burner, prioritizing other things first and taking it for granted that your marriage partner will always be there to eventually get around to paying attention to,” Dr. Lally says. “Always prioritize working to prevent a distance from developing, and growing between you and your partner, so that when responsibilities change in the future, you still have a strong foundation to build new chapters on.”
Related: 9 Things To Do if Your Adult Child Lives at Home, According to Psychologists
Sources:
Dr. Tara Lally, PhD, is a supervising psychologist at Hackensack Meridian Health.Dr. Deborah Gilman, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and the owner of Fox Chapel Psychological Services, who specializes in kids, parenting, relationships and the psychology behind modern culture.Dr. Francine Toder, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, emeritus academic and professional writer who just published her fifth book, Your Kids are Grown: Parenting 2.0. Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder after non-traumatic events: evidence from an open population study, The British Journal of PsychiatryThe Graying of Divorce: A Half Century of Change, The Journals of GerontologyHence then, the article about we asked 3 psychologists what usually causes divorce over 50 they all said the same thing was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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