After almost 10 years of blessedly peaceful singleness, I think I may finally be ready to commit to marriage. Not to a straight man, you understand. Eeeewww. No, to a gay man looking to split the bills and go antiquing on the weekend. Yes, folks. The lavender marriage is back. Well, kind of.
The original lavender marriage was a survival strategy whereby a man and a woman entered into a marriage to conceal the true sexuality of one or both of them. This has been happening for as long as queer sexualities have been criminalised and stigmatised, and continues to happen in cultures where persecution occurs. The colour purple has been associated with lesbianism and homosexuality since the time of Ancient Greek poet Sappho, hence “lavender”.
The golden age of Hollywood was famous for setting up lavender marriages to protect the reputations of its leading men and ladies. Those between Rudolph Valentino and Jean Acker Read, Rock Hudson and Phyllis Gates, and Janet Gaynor and Gilbert Adrian were some of the most well-known.
But I don’t want to marry a gay man in order to boost his chances of winning an Oscar or to avoid the vice squad – although let it be known, should homosexuality ever be criminalised again, I will be quite happy to do so. Sign me up. I’ll take several.
No, I would consider this because being single is damn expensive, I am exhausted with straight men, and, as far as I can work out, most marriages end up being sexless and full of infidelity anyway. At least if you both went into it knowing you were going to have affairs, the element of surprise would be removed.
I’d like a man in my life, and if he happened to know the entire back catalogue of Rodgers & Hammerstein and enjoy lattes after the gym, so much the better. What’s more, I am not on my own.
There is a new marriage movement emerging whereby straight and queer folk sign up for matrimony, not to pretend that they are heterosexual, but because it just makes financial and personal sense for them. It is a misnomer to call this set-up a lavender marriage, although many on social media are. Other names being trialled online include a “rainbow marriage,” a “mixed orientation marriage,” “queerplatonic,” and “platonic life partners”.
“Lavender marriage” has been a trending topic on TikTok since 2025, with various queer creators making jokes about what they could offer to any straight women willing to take them up on it. One, AJ Dronkers, wryly made an “official petition” to bring back the lavender marriage, saying: “I hate men, do you hate men? If you are a straight woman or a queer woman and you want a gay husband, I am down.”
He added: “I love to cook, I love design. You want crazy curtains? I do too!… You want candles in every room? You want flowers every week? You want to host dinner parties? I am a wonderful conversationalist, and I know about emotions and I can read the room.”
After several long-term heterosexual relationships and 10 years on the dating scene, I’ve got to say, that sounds damn tempting. Another TikTokker, Tell Williams, described what mornings would be like if he were your gay husband.
“After we finish our coffee, and gas each other up, we’re gonna go get ready. Okay? Then we’re gonna help each other pick out outfits and get dressed because I don’t know what I want to wear today and I’m probably going to feel really bad and frumpy in it, and you’re gonna be like ‘oh no. You look great!’ I’m gonna do the same for you. ‘Oh, babes, you look amazing in that outfit. Why would you feel bad about yourself in that?'”
I once dated a straight man who not only didn’t notice when I wore a new outfit, but he also didn’t notice when I moved house. We got a taxi back to my new place and he didn’t even clock we were in a different building until he tried to find the toilet.
Joking about on social media is one thing, but some people really are doing this. Samantha Wynn Greenstone and Jacob Hoff now make social media content full-time about their “mixed orientation marriage”. She is heterosexual and he is an openly proud, gay man, and both claim to be fully committed to their monogamous marriage and describe one other as “soulmates”. They base their relationship on friendship and respect, rather than sexual attraction.
The motives underlying most of this, whether both parties are joking about or are seriously considering it, are largely financial. Whereas the original lavender marriage was one of survival, in 2026, it’s a marriage of convenience. Late-stage capitalism has collided with feminism and wider disillusionment with heterosexual dating, and voilà! Lavender marriage 2.0.
This is friends marrying friends to save money, get tax breaks, share a life together, and enjoy one another’s company. It is a financially convenient setup that doesn’t pretend to be anything else. Of course, there is affection involved. This is besties deciding to partner up and take on the world. You couldn’t do it if you didn’t actually care for one another. There have already been multiple instances of same-sex friends marrying one another in order to form a family unit and enjoy the legal protections of a spouse; this is simply another version of that.
It doesn’t remotely surprise me that straight women would choose a gay man over a straight one. I mean, a few years ago, they overwhelmingly said they’d rather be stuck in a forest with a bear than a straight man, so the bar is low.
I am not seriously trying to enter into a platonic marriage, gay, straight, or otherwise, but I have to say, I have nothing but admiration for those who do. There’s an honesty about it that I find really refreshing. Sexual attraction is not permanent. Eventually, it has to give way to something deeper and more lasting, something that we might call friendship.
Some of the most meaningful relationships I’ve ever had are with my friends. I’d rather be married to them than any of the twerps I’ve dated over the years.
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