Psychotherapist and meditationteacherMargaret Cullen, author of Quiet Strength: Find Peace, Feel Alive, and Love Boundlessly Through the Power of Equanimity (released March 10), says there's another way to go through the day—which involves facing and acknowledging these tricky feelings.
Taking the intentional pause might feel countercultural at this point. After all, in this digital age, we have distractions that "serve" us everywhere we look—personalized ads and algorithms, the ability to reach out to friends and family at the touch of a button for instant validation and more.
"This is the first step in deconditioning habits and could be the difference between a highly regretful remark or behavior and a peaceful heart," Cullen explains.
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"When you feel the urge to reach for social media, pause just long enough to notice what you’re feeling," Cullen says. "Often, there is some form of discomfort beneath the impulse— boredom, restlessness, physical unease, a difficult memory, anxiety about what lies ahead. Stay with that feeling for a moment, with kindness and curiosity. In doing so, you begin to decondition the habit of mainlining social media, you expand your capacity to be with discomfort and you create the conditions for greater equanimity."
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Equanimity's Meaning
So, whether you're scrolling social media, walking into a conference room or meeting your family for dinner, experiencing "equanimity" means you're "keeping your wits about you" and feeling calm or capable, instead of anxious or reactive.
"Equanimity is when you can ride the waves of change, like a surfer or someone riding a horse," she tells Parade. "If something really good happens, you feel happy but not so excited that you lose control. If something upsetting happens, you feel sad or mad, but you don’t fall apart. It’s also like being a mountain. The weather changes. Sun, wind, rain, snow.The mountain stays steady. Equanimity means your heart stays steady, too."
Why It's Easy To Lean Toward Outrage on Social Media (and In Real Life)
"Social media algorithms are expertly designed to amplify outrage," Cullen explains. "Strong emotional reactions capture attention in an attention economy, and outrage reliably generates engagement. But there are real costs. Outrage is a form of anger, and like other forms of anger, it energizes us. We tend to get attached to whatever gives us that surge of energy. The problem is that this is an expensive kind of fuel. It burns hot and is not sustainable."
"Anger, especially outrage, also narrows our thinking. It gates cognition," she says.
But that doesn't mean that the answer is apathy.
"Equanimity is not about caring less," Cullen continues. "It is about caring deeply while being less attached and less reactive. When care is absent, that is not equanimity. True equanimity is actually an expression of love. It is not about shrinking or suppressing feelings. It is about creating more space around them."
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2. Prioritize cognitive shifts
"Intentionally widening your frame of reference changes how strongly events feel," she explains. "Seeing a moment through the eyes of someone loving and wise, imagining how it will look to your future self; or viewing it from the vast perspective of the moon softens urgency and restores proportion."
"The Serenity Prayer offers a simple structure for wise discernment: what can be changed, what cannot and the wisdom to know the difference," Cullen shares. "Returning to this reflection helps conserve energy, directing effort where it is useful and releasing what is not within your control."
4. Remember it’s not always about you
"Notice how quickly the mind turns events into something personal—about you, against you or because of you," she points out. "What if it actually wasn’t about you? When you stop taking everything so personally, experience opens up, you suffer less and find greater balance and ease."
6. Meditate
"Meditation strengthens the capacity to observe thoughts, emotions and sensations without immediately reacting," she says. "Over time, this repeated practice builds familiarity with change itself, allowing experience to unfold without being swept away by it."
"Questioning your immediate interpretations interrupts automatic belief in the mind’s first story," Cullen explains. "This simple inquiry creates space for nuance, alternative explanations and a more grounded response."
Benefits of Leaning Into Equanimity
"Equanimity changes how we relate to stress, emotion and uncertainty at a fundamental level," Cullen tells Parade. Here are just a handful of the benefits it provides:
Psychological benefits
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Interpersonal benefits
"Equanimity reduces defensiveness and reactive conflict," she explains. "It allows empathy to be present without emotional overwhelm. Others often experience a person with equanimity as steady and trustworthy because reactions are measured rather than extreme."
Behavioral benefits
She explains that equanimity "improves emotional regulation, stress physiology, relationships, decision quality and overall well being by stabilizing how the mind responds to changing experience."
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