Good news! The UK’s Eurovision entry for 2026 is horrendous. Awful. An assault on the senses. It’s aggressive, tuneless and grating, and its video contains the repellent imagery of a digestive biscuit being dipped into a mug of baked beans. I wish I had never heard it or seen it. And all of this is exactly why it might be in with a chance of winning.
Unlike last year’s entry by Remember Monday, which sought to showcase the lovely harmonies of a country-pop girlband with vague lyrics about nothing in particular, and received nul points in the public vote, this year’s throbbing EDM song “EINS, ZWEI, DREI” by LOOK MUM NO COMPUTER, whose caps lock key appears to be stuck, is a combination of bass, blunt messaging and throwing primness to the wind.
Its titular hook marks the first UK song in the history of Eurovision not to be entirely in English, and its overall purpose seems to be to beat the crowd over the head with the idea that British is boring, Europe is where it’s at, and that we’re really sorry for trying to be cool and/or impressive in the past. We promise we won’t do it again.
The video is disparaging about British culture (Screengrab from YouTube www.youtube.com/watch?v=niMKvJ-Itq8)“Counting in English doesn’t cut the mustard / So sick of munching roly-poly with custard”, sings our jaded young mascot, whose real name is Sam Battle, a music YouTuber and vintage electronics enthusiast with 700k followers. “All my pounds, they feel counterfeit / I need some euros to count on it.” Something to think about, Rachel Reeves!
Combining a Kraftwerk-inspired beat with a young Damon Albarn-inflected vocal, “EINS, ZWEI, DREI” builds to a headache-inducing chorus and eventually speeds up to a wildly unpleasant coda that gives you the sensation of being whirled around in a giant tumble drier whose drum is also a subwoofer. In other words, the Eurovision crowd will love it.
The UK has long taken itself far too seriously in this contest. Our treasured musical history has given us an air of superiority. We are the nation that produced Oasis and The Beatles! We don’t need to succumb to latex or play for laughs to prove our worth!
Except, it turns out, we do – because, with the notable exception of Sam Ryder in 2022, who came second to Ukraine, we have consistently failed spectacularly. Even when we put forward “real” pop stars like Years and Years’ Olly Alexander in 2024, we cannot break through the weird and wonderful offerings of the Scandis and Baltics. Eurovision has become an annual humiliation.
LOOK MUM NO COMPUTER doesn’t take himself too seriously (Screengrab from YouTube www.youtube.com/watch?v=niMKvJ-Itq8)But trying to prove ourselves as a serious country is exactly what lets us down. That is simply not what Eurovision is about. And “EINS, ZWEI, DREI” seems to understand that – the UK has finally taken the attitude: if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
Does it have the soar of Sweden’s 2012 entry “Euphoria” or the gothic wackiness of Italy’s 2021 entry “Zitti e buoni”? No – but what it does have is a sense of humour.
After 68 years of resolutely singing in English, “EIN ZWEI DREI” has finally admitted that the Brits don’t always know best, while simultaneously paying tribute to our sacred culture via shouting, jumping around and enjoying other countries’ cuisine in the crudest possible way (LOOK MUM NO COMPUTER would like “a slice of pepperoni”, he tells us repeatedly).
Who knows – we’ve been here before. Every year the country is optimistic that it’ll be different this time only to be condemned to another night of embarrassment. But in flipping the script perhaps there is finally light at the end of the Channel Tunnel.
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