DEAR MISS MANNERS: My adult daughters learned etiquette from me. It was passed down from my mother. Somewhere along the line, the old etiquette has been forgotten and new manners have been invented by their husbands.
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Arms on the table. One foot on the chair with the knee sticking up over the table. Aggressive jabbing at one’s food. Resting the silverware handles on the table with the spoon or fork turned over on the plate. Eating before everyone sits down. When cutting food, holding the meat with the fork in an awkward vertical position.Can you please help me? I am very offended, but am afraid to speak.
I forgot the most important part: The new etiquette has been adopted by my grandchildren, who are now teenagers. I am so sad to see them lack basic decency.
GENTLE READER: What do you mean, “The New Etiquette”?
Do you believe that if enough people do something wrong, that makes it right? Is shoplifting legal if enough people start doing it?
Miss Manners is at least relieved that your family’s transgressions are limited to eating sloppily, which doesn’t harm others. It could reflect badly on them, but not if everyone else they know eats the same way.
And, as we both know, despite Miss Manners’ having pounced on you for the way you phrased it, many do.
So she advises you to give up on the adults. You had your chance, they know better, and may still be able to do better if they encounter situations where they are afraid of making a bad impression.
You might still influence your grandchildren, however. Generally speaking, making a bad impression is a more frequent concern among teenagers than adults. It just never occurs to them that a bad impression might be formed from their table manners, mostly because their peers are likely to eat the same way they do.
There are ample situations where your grandchildren may want to impress adults: college interviews, job interviews or dining with the parents of a crush, for instance. These may not be immediate possibilities — applicants for summer jobs are not often vetted over lunch — but might occur in the near future.
Your grandchildren are unaware of the rules — and of the advantages that knowing them can provide. The tactful way to teach them requires refraining from criticizing their parents, which will be a struggle. Simply invite them to a nice dinner, mention those anxiety-producing situations, and then offer to teach them the code.
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Am I within range of having good manners?
GENTLE READER: Congratulations on treating all envelopes with equal respect. But Miss Manners would have to know how you treat people.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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