Does using defensive language always mean your partner is problematic? It depends. According to Dr. Jennifer Jondreau Thompson, Ph.D., a psychologist and Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in Connecticut and New York, it's usually a negative sign, but it's a response that happens more often than you might think.She says while it's a common thing to be defensive in relationships, it doesn't "get you anywhere" when solving conflicts."Normal and negative are two different things. It's very common, though, for people to be defensive with one another, especially in an intimate relationship," says Dr. Thompson.Psychologist and Director of Clinical Training for MindWell, Dr. Jeannette Correa, PhD., says it's sometimes just a difference between a red flag and someone having issues in how they communicate."If we are emotionally vulnerable in the moment... we're probably not our best [selves] in that moment," she shares. "So you want to look out for how people respond, how are people communicating across all different emotions?"If it only happens in one instance, someone may need some help portraying how they feel. If you're being met with defensiveness at various times, though, it probably points to a red flag."If it's happening all the time, red flag is where I would go," says Dr. Correa. "Frequency determines how big a red flag this is, but it's still a problem."Related: 6 Signs Someone Is ‘Deflecting’ and How To Respond, According to a Psychologist
7 Defensive Phrases That Are Red Flags in a Relationship, According to Psychologists
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2. 'I only did X because...'
Dr. Bailey Hanek, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist, says this phrase is especially hurtful because it showcases to somebody that you're not listening to them."You're not hearing that you hurt me. You're not hearing that I'm upset, you're just instantly defending your own actions," she explains. "It's the purest form of defensiveness. You're justifying your own behavior."
4. 'I guess I'm just a terrible person.'
This stonewalls any reconciliation between two people, says Dr. Correa. "Taking 100% of the blame... that's another thing that shuts down communication," she explains. "That sort of 'I'm at fault,' and then walking away is another defensive red flag."Related: 8 Phrases High-Level Narcissists Often Use, According to Psychologists
6. 'I'm leaving, this is over.'
"Now you've created a real rift," explains Dr. Thompson about this phrase.That's because, unlike others, this statement is a bit more permanent and can cause real damage if the person doesn't actually intend it. It also leaves a problem unresolved instead of facing it headfirst. Plus, it hits people even harder if they have abandonment issues, she explains."Don't ever say that unless you mean it," she warns.
7. 'You always do X.'
A good piece of advice is to "slow down," says Dr. Lash. "Take a breath, don't just respond," she suggests. "Take a moment and really listen to what someone is asking of you or what they're trying to tell you. Try to take away your own discomfort with whatever they're trying to say, for a moment before responding."Focusing on one's own self is a good way to redirect any defensiveness too. Dr. Thompson explains that it's always better not to be "other-focused," in order to truly evaluate what you need in the moment before responding."Start with yourself... 'What do I need right now? Am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired? Am I ready to talk to my partner about this? What if I don't get a favorable response? Am I able to handle that?'" she explains. "It's really starting with self, and not focusing on your partner. It's really focusing on you."Up Next:
Related: This Super Common Blame Tactic Is Detrimental in Relationships, a Psychotherapist Warns
Sources:
Dr. Alexandra Lash, PsyD., is a licensed clinical psychologist at Portland Talk Club.Dr. Jennifer Jondreau Thompson, Ph.D., is a psychologist and Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in Connecticut and New York.Dr. Jeannette Correa, PhD., is a psychologist and the Director of Clinical Training for MindWell.Dr. Bailey Hanek, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist.Hence then, the article about psychologists warn these 7 defensive phrases are red flags in a relationship was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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