By Shaun Tumpane
Laguna Woods Globe columnist
Vanity doesn’t dissipate with age. And neither does gravity.
Some contend that the older we get, it isn’t just our veins that become more pronounced; becoming vainglorious is also a distinct possibility. Being proud of one’s accomplishments isn’t in and of itself a bad thing. And there are those who misconstrue a factual anecdote for boastfulness.
It’s self-image that takes center stage in the Vanity Olympics, and with each passing year, many of us old codgers are ready to try anything to maintain our youthful appearance. I doubt it occurs to the primping geriatrics that those with whom they interact remember when the hair was a different hue, the cheekbones weren’t quite so high or that there were bags under the eyes and wrinkles are no longer merely laugh lines.
And don’t get me started on the girls.
Guys, if you’re over 70, your hair is gray, silver and/or white, perhaps sprinkled with a dash of your original hair color. If ridding oneself of those hideous bags sagging southward, whether from under the eyes or the turkey neck, makes you feel better about yourself, have at it.
Just don’t make the mistake of thinking that all the girls from 20 to 54 who haven’t glanced in your direction in 25 years are suddenly going to swoon with lustful gazes. The vast majority of us have become invisible to that demographic.
That is not to say that there aren’t exceptions. A fat ugly guy may indeed be repulsive, but add a fat wallet and he becomes jaunty! I’m not saying Bill Belichick falls into that category, but I think you get the point.
Trying to look one’s best, keeping one’s weight under control, having a well-fitting wardrobe, showering regularly, and keeping ear and nose hair well shorn are all laudable goals. Men and women alike appreciate the effort.
A guy wearing a girdle that he calls a “back brace” isn’t fooling anyone with the possible exception of himself. I’ve been losing and regaining the same 20 pounds for a decade or two. I used to say that I’m big boned. Now, I just plead guilty to being overweight, out of shape, lazy and old. Oh yeah, and a carboholic.
Keeping oneself in good physical and mental condition is its own reward, and once you pass 70 or so, that’s likely the only reward you’re likely to receive.
And if perchance a lovely young woman does pay attention to you, there are only three possible explanations: She’s related to you, she thought you were someone she knew (as in her grandfather’s golfing buddy) or $100 bills are falling out of all your pockets.
Shaun Tumpane is a Laguna Woods Village resident.
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