You probably send dozens of text messages a week. But do any of them truly deepen your friendships?
For many people, the answer is no.
“We’re constantly receiving and exchanging information, and communicating in some way, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the quality of that connection is there—or that the intention is there,” says Miriam Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist in Montreal who researches adult friendships. “When you ask someone if they’ve purposefully and intentionally and thoughtfully reached out to a friend through text, they often say, ‘Hold on, no, I haven’t. I’ve texted someone about arranging a play date for my kid. I’ve texted my spouse about what we’re cooking for dinner tonight.’ But people don’t necessarily take the time to check in with friends in that way with intention.”
[time-brightcove not-tgx=”true”]Reaching out to one friend a week is a manageable way to boost your well-being. Here’s what to know.
Why you should do it
People often underestimate the value of “micro-moments” of connection, like a simple greeting to a coworker or smiling at a stranger. These small interactions “can do wonders for improving our overall levels of social connectedness and reducing loneliness,” Kirmayer says. “It doesn’t take all that much, when we’re feeling hungry for social connection, to feel a little a little bit closer and fuel and fulfill that need.”
Research has found that social connection predicts both mental and physical health, including protecting against anxiety and depression. Even brief moments of connection can boost overall happiness.
Read More: 8 Ways to Become a Nicer Person
Plus, Kirmayer thinks of the exercise as a way to strengthen your social muscles. It helps you get better at being comfortable with initiation (being the first to reach out); finding ways to keep in touch over time; managing conflict; learning to be vulnerable; and asking for what you need. Every time you text a friend, you’re refining the complex art of being a good friend.
What to say
When Kirmayer gives keynote speeches about friendship at workplaces or community events, she challenges attendees to take out their phones and send a message to a friend during the middle of the event—that way, they can’t say they will and then never get around to it. Someone always asks her how to word the text. “The freeing piece of advice I give is that it doesn’t actually matter all that much,” she says. “The thing that typically stops us from sending the message is that we get caught up in that perfectionist mindset: ‘This needs to be the right message; it needs to be witty or overwhelmingly interesting or so deeply personal and juicy that of course they will respond.’” When you revise a message in your head a million times, it starts to feel so daunting that people often abandon the effort altogether, she adds.
That said, Kirmayer has a couple go-to tips for those who crave direction. It’s a good idea to incorporate some personal specificity into your message, she says. Instead of saying “Hi, I’m thinking of you,” offer a reason why. You might word it like this: “Hi, you’re on my mind because I read something by this author, and I know you loved their last book.” Or: “I was just thinking about how amazing that conversation was when we grabbed coffee a couple months ago, and I wanted you to know I’m grateful for you.”
Read More: How to Make a Long-Distance Friendship Work
“The more you can tie it to something specific about that person, the more it communicates a level of genuineness and authenticity that people really respond to,” she says. “It’s also a way to make people feel seen and appreciated, and that can be a powerful spark for connection.”
Ask yourself, too, why you’re reaching out to that specific friend. Do you want to get together? Would you like to set up a time for a phone call, so you can connect in a more meaningful way? “When you get clear on not just your who, but your why, that can potentially inform the message,” Kirmayer says. Consider these examples: “I’m thinking of you and would love to know, can we plan a lunch for the coming weeks?” Or: “I’d love to hear how that project you’ve been working on is going. Do you have time for a phone call one evening this week?”
Put a spin on it
If you find that you enjoy reaching out to one friend a week, make it an ongoing habit. You could further challenge yourself by texting a different person each time. “For some people, it might be worth asking the question of, ‘OK, now do I need to try something new? What’s the next rung in this ladder that I’m climbing when it comes to improving my social skills or social health?’” Kirmayer says. If you want to diversify the experience and expand your network—and fine-tune your ability to connect with more than one person—add different people to your contact list.
Read More: The One Word That Can Destroy a Friendship
For others, though, texting the same person each week might feel even scarier than reaching out to an assortment of friends. After all, it means asking yourself: “What else am I going to say? How can I deepen this connection?”
“It’s really a matter of checking in with yourself and being open and honest about what your connection needs and intentions are,” Kirmayer says, “and what area of your social fitness you’d like to work on.”
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