DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend always changes her story when it comes to small things, and the accumulation of all these inconsistencies is starting to get to me.
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It’s not just about work; she does this in other parts of her life, too. One week she’s talking about saving money and being serious about her goals, and the next she’s making impulsive plans that completely contradict what she said before.
I don’t think she’s intentionally lying, but it’s starting to make me question her credibility and reliability.
I want to be a supportive friend; I also don’t want to feel like I’m constantly trying to decode what’s real and what’s not.
How can I bring this up without sounding judgmental or confrontational? I care about her, but I’m starting to lose patience.
— Inconsistent
DEAR INCONSISTENT: Sit down with your friend and let her know that she is confusing you.
Give her a few examples of things she has passionately told you only to reverse moments later. Tell her it is hard for you to know when she’s serious, as she changes her mind so frequently. Admit that it is frustrating to you. Listen to how she responds.
Ultimately, you may have to back off a bit and not get so invested in her ideas, especially if they are consistently inconsistent. You can listen neutrally, not allow yourself to go down a rabbit hole to help and, instead, just be a sounding board.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend group of three, and lately I’ve noticed growing tension between my two other friends.
They don’t seem to understand each other’s personalities, and it’s starting to create awkwardness whenever we hang out together.
One of them is more outspoken and direct, while the other is quieter and tends to take things personally, so what might just be playful teasing to one feels like criticism to the other.
I find myself stuck in the middle, constantly trying to smooth things over or change the subject before things get uncomfortable. It’s exhausting because I care about both of them, but I don’t know how to help them get along without seeming like I’m taking sides.
I’ve tried subtly hinting to each of them that the other doesn’t mean any harm, but it doesn’t seem to help. They both leave hangouts feeling frustrated. I miss when the three of us could have fun together without this underlying tension.
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— Friction
DEAR FRICTION: Address the elephant in the room. Ask them individually why they are feuding. Invite them to discuss it all together.
If they are unwilling or that doesn’t work, consider hanging out one on one with each of them for a while. That friend group may be history.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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