What Is ‘Tu Quoque’?
Tu quoque can be known as a "logical fallacy." It’s an argument tactic that tries to invalidate another person’s grievance against you by pointing out that they’ve done something similar too. Cooke tells Parade that it’s Latin and translates to “you too.”“It describes a type of defensive reaction where you deflect criticism with the phrase, ‘You too did it,’ or anything similar to that,” she explains. “It’s that instinctive response we all feel tempted to use when we’re uncomfortable with the blame. Psychologically, it’s a way to avoid shame or vulnerability, because rather than owning our part, we try to even the playing field so we don’t feel at fault.”Related: 8 Phrases That Signal a Person Is Feeling Shame, According to Mental Health ProsOftentimes, the rebuttal of “well, you did this too” is a true statement; maybe you also messed up in a similar way or made the same mistake a while ago. However, it’s not relevant to the current situation, and in relationships, this can go south very easily. Cooke notes that this can be described in other terms, such as deflection or blame-shifting, and states that, “in therapy terms,” tu quoque is “a defense mechanism often rooted in emotional immaturity.”“Tu quoque is a telling sign someone hasn’t learned to tolerate discomfort or accountability,” she shares. “When someone uses this tactic, they protect their ego, not the relationship.”She does share the “good news,” which is that it’s not often a malicious action, but rather “just a way to dodge the sting of being wrong.” But if left unchecked, it can lead to long-term issues.“When both partners do this, it creates a situation where no one takes ownership, and small issues build up a lot of tension and resentment,” she says.Related: People Who Grew Up With Conflict ‘Swept Under the Rug’ Often Develop These 9 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Examples of 'Tu Quoque' in Relationship Arguments
Cooke gives some more examples of what tu quoque can look like in arguments between two partners. “When someone says, ‘You never listen to me,’ a typical tu quoque response will be, ‘Oh, please, you zone out all the time when I talk,’” she states.Another example is when one significant other says, “You were really harsh in front of my friends,” and the other partner says, “And you weren’t exactly kind to me last week,” instead of apologizing or explaining, Cooke shares.“Each of these responses deflects blame and doesn’t respond to the issue that is being discussed,” she explains. “The person confronted immediately makes the conversation about fairness or hypocrisy. It might relieve pressure temporarily, but it teaches both partners that vulnerability isn’t safe and isn’t encouraged.”Related: 7 Topics High-Level Gaslighters Usually Avoid, According to Psychologists
How To Stop Using ‘Tu Quoque’ in Arguments
This argument tactic is quite common. So it’s not surprising if you realize you do this as you read this article. And that is “already a big win,” according to Cooke. So, how do you stop doing it altogether, now that you know you use tu quoque in arguments?“What you wanna do after that is acknowledge, verbally, that you are getting defensive and want to pause for a second to reset,” she suggests. “That moment alone interrupts the chain of nonsensical blame.”After this, she says that you need to “try to listen fully” to your partner before trying to defend your own position. “You can always express your side of the story later, but the immediate priority is to understand your partner’s,” she explains. As for healthy alternatives to tu quoque in conflicts, Cooke says that a big part leans on just that: listening to the person you love, who you’re fighting with.“My advice is to use reflective listening, which, when boiled down, is just repeating back what you’ve heard to show you’re here,” she shares. “Then share your own feelings without accusing back.”Even in stable, healthy relationships, arguments and issues come up. You’re not always going to agree on things, or someone is going to accidentally hurt the other person’s feelings. But it’s how you go about those disagreements and temporary friction that makes all the difference and can secure a long future. “Healthy conflict is when both parties try to understand the truth and find the solution together instead of proving oneself innocent,” she shares. “When couples learn that, arguments become opportunities to grow closer.”Up Next:
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Charisse Cooke is an MNCPS-accredited psychotherapist and resident dating expert at Flirtini, a dating app.Hence then, the article about this super common blame tactic is detrimental in relationships a psychotherapist warns was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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