Being “cancelled” seems to be more frequent nowadays, with even a track on Taylor Swift’s new album titled as such. Perhaps it has become more evident because opinions, reactions and responses are being shared more widely and more quickly online. Public figures or organisations find themselves having mass support withdrawn or facing judgement or disapproval for a perceived wrongdoing, with significant repercussions being felt.
Putting aside a discussion of the rights or wrongs of the process of being “cancelled”, there is one lesson we can learn from this cultural phenomenon – but one which relates to how we treat ourselves.
Consider this question for a moment; have you ever unwittingly or knowingly been responsible for cancelling yourself? You might think this a strange question as, traditionally, being cancelled is something someone else does to us. So, why on earth would we ever do that to ourselves?
But we can sabotage ourselves, and our lives to a much greater and more damaging degree than anyone else possibly could. The basis for this is low self-esteem; the belief that we are not good enough, that we are not lovable, and that we don’t deserve happiness. Low self-esteem is just a collection of thoughts than we have heard often enough from others or as a result of misinterpreting what has happened in our lives to be our fault, and we repeat them to ourselves until we take them as fact.
Self-esteem is the corner stone of good mental wellbeing. It affects how we feel on a daily basis, the overall tone of our life, the opportunities we take up or turn away, the relationships we are attracted to, how we feel about our work, and how much joy we can feel. In terms of wellbeing, it really is the foundation of everything.
Here’s how to unpick if your self-esteem is making you “cancel” yourself.
Perceived wrongdoing
We all make mistakes and do things wrong, but, if we have low self-esteem, our perception of what we have done can be distorted. We end up blaming ourselves for everything; from relationship breakdowns, to family conflict, job losses or work project failures, or financial challenges.
In any problem in life, there are always many more layers of complexity than just one. When we don’t feel we are good enough, we mislabel ourselves as the problem. Act to change things for yourself. Notice if you have a tendency to blame yourself, to over-apologise, to people-please, or to be to forgive yourself.
Ask a trusted friend for their perspective so you can readjust yours. Make a list of things you feel you were responsible for, and what isn’t yours to hold anymore. Work on forgiving yourself and being kind to yourself.
Backlash
Negative self-talk can act as a barrier to happiness (Photo: Viktoriya Skorikova/Getty)Just like in cancel culture when we have low self-esteem, our self-saboteur can lead a harsh backlash against ourselves. That can come in the form of negative thoughts, judgements about ourselves, believing that you don’t deserve to be happy, or that you are not good enough.
Notice those recurring thought patterns when something goes wrong; like “it’s my fault”, “I will never be happy”, “that’s obviously just not for me” or “that’s typical of me”. Instead, when something goes wrong, take a breath, reflect on why and reframe things, learn the lessons, and take positive action to change things for the better.
Shaming
Low self-esteem can make us react in a disproportionate way. We can end up “cancelling” ourselves by adding a huge layer of shame. While we may have made a mistake, shame is different in that it says we are inherently unworthy, flawed or “bad”.
Low self-esteem means that when we do make mistakes, we are more likely to interpret this as meaning we are a failure rather than having failed. You may notice this if you find it hard to let go of things that happened in the past, or if you find it hard to be open and receive love or kindness, and find it difficult to get close to others.
Take time to separate what happened from who you are, rewrite the story as a set of events rather than being related to you as a person. Shame does not take us anywhere; rather learning from our mistakes and moving forward does.
Withdrawal of support
When was the last time you did something for yourself? (Photo: Xavier Lorenzo/Getty)When we feel we are undeserving or not good enough, we literally withdraw support from ourselves. We don’t allow ourselves to be happy, or to say yes to things that could be really great for us, and we don’t celebrate our success or allow ourselves any let up.
We also withdraw our support from ourselves emotionally by not comforting ourselves when we are anxious. Ask yourself when the last time was that you did something for yourself entirely and utterly, and how you look after yourself on a daily basis, and if you aren’t – then why not? Be your own biggest cheerleader.
Consequences
Having this low opinion of ourselves means that we end up, in time, making ourselves “invisible”; we don’t ask others for what we need, we stop believing that our dreams are important, we become scared of making ourselves seen or heard, and we accept unhealthy relationships.
Reflect on how you have negated yourself, put yourself at the bottom of the list, and how you have allowed others or other things to take you over. Why?
Ultimately, seeing the impact of these consequences on your mental and emotional wellbeing can hopefully allow you to say enough is enough, and to refuse to be the one who is “cancelled” and refuse to be the one who is doing the cancelling.
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